So!? What happened!!?

So...whatever happened to that Brent guy? Did he get his "car" back? did he die? Is he still in Narnia? Well, here's the thing. I'm still here. Life has been completely crazy and I have started writing my new blog post many a time, but have never been able to commit myself to that much time. I mean, that x-box isn't going to play itself...anyways, here is part of my story that I wrote about 6 months ago..yeah..it's been that long, and then I will continue after it to update some more...



well, I needed to write this down so i could remember it, but i'm much faster at typing than at writing. Last Thursday (April 6, 2017) night I closed at work, so I went to bed at around 3 a.m. The next morning at about 8:30 I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize and because of that and the fact that I was dead tired, I didn't answer. Then I got another call immediately after from President Checketts (my stake president) so I decided THAT call I DID need to answer. He told me that Elder Craig Cook of the seventy wanted to meet with me and what time and day would work! So I ran into my parent's room and asked my mom what my schedule was like. She said Wednesday and The Stake President said he would call Elder Cook's assistant and see. He said, "okay, will 3:00 Wednesday work?" I worked until 2 that day so it would be pushing it, but this is not the kind of appointment you want to reschedule! So I said yes, humg up, and thought I would just figure something out. Then I remembered that my manager had adjusted my schedule so I checked Wednesday and it actually had been changed to 1:45 (tender mercy, my mom said) So I made sure to tell my boss, Eric, that I would need to be off at 1:30 for the single most important meeting of my life. I had to explain why and gave him my car analogy (it's on my blog.) So I left work, got home, showered, and headed with my parents down to Salt Lake. We picked up my Stake President down there because we needed him to get through church security. A legit security guard asked us for our names and we told him who we were there to meet with. He let us in and gave us a parking pass. We walked in and as we were walking in, the Stake President was telling me and showing me all of the apostle's cars. (a lot of them prefer highlanders...anyways) so then we walked in and Elder Bednar followed in behind us!!! He's shorter in person. He said hello to us and my mom said hello back. Then we talked to the receptionist who also got our names and told us that we were good to go. We walked down a hallway and took a left and nearly bumped into Elder Quentin Cook of the 12 apostles! That's when my Stake President said, 'I think we're in the wrong hall.' so we went back to the original hallway and took an elevator up and met Elder Cook's (seventy, not 12 apostle Cook) assistant. She then introduced us to Elder Cook. He was very soft spoken and super kind. My parents, my Stake President and I went into his office where he talked to us for a minute. He said that it was a highly unusual case for parents to come along, but that they got special approval from the first presidency for them to be there. (looking back...I think it was so my parents could have a spiritual experience and because of all the pain I had caused them and all of the pain that they had seen me go through, they needed that experience about as much as I did.) Then Elder Cook took me into another room that looked like a board room for meetings. Along the one wall were paintings. One of the Savior and the woman taken in adultery. One of a leper being healed by the Savior, another one with the woman with the issue of blood who touched Christ's robe. It meant something to me because I was one of those people. I was glad that these men of God met around this table, with these images to help remind them of the broken sinners or those who were not whole who were made whole by Christ and were given a second chance at life. So Elder Cook asked how I was feeling and I told him I was diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder and that if my words were choppy and all over the place it's because I was nervous. He said, 'this isn't supposed to be a scary thing, though it is a very important thing.' I also shared with him how I hoped that he could see my honesty. That is something I really am glad I have and that I try to be honest and genuine with everything i say. I didn't want him to think I was just saying a bunch of nice words or nice things that were all fluff and no substance. He asked me what I had learned from this long and challenging experience. That is always a hard question to answer because how can I explain all the tears and the fear and the change and the growth and the experiences i've been through the past 6 or 7 years in a few moments or words? i shared that basically everything was more. What I meant by that is that everything that I have gone through has strengthened my testimony. I have more compassion for others who struggle. I have more love for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I have more insight into what repentance truly is and what the process may take. Just more. Everything in my life was more because of the things I went through. He then asked some other questions and my Stake President came in to confirm some of the things that I has been saying. Then Elder Cook asked me, "do you feel you have been forgiven?" This was a really hard question. He said I could take some time to think about it while he and my stake president discussed some other things. So I went out to the lobby of his office and prayed. "God, Thou knowest me... God, You know that I am extremely hard on myself and I, of course, don't feel like I'm ready or that I am a good person who is clean and forgiven. I will probably tell them I need more time, but God....You know me better than I know me. Am I okay?" I didn't receive an answer...I thought about when I was deciding whether or not to serve a mission and I asked God if I should and received no answer. I remembered that in that situation, I had to decide, "okay, I'm going on a mission." and then I prayed to receive confirmation that my choice was good. Only then did I get a confirmation that was I was about to do was right. So I closed my eyes and said, "God, I think I have worked a lot to get here and I pray that I am forgiven and that I can look at myself as clean...that I can go before Elder Cook and tell him that I am ready to move forward. Is that okay?"
(that's as far as I got in my writing)


I then had the thought, "Brent, you could tell them you need more time, and then wait in fear for another unknown amount of time, suffering anxiety and unsurity. Or you could try and live the gospel as best you can and see if that works for you. I think it will." So I went back into the meeting room and Elder Cook asked, "so what are your thoughts?" and I told him what had just occurred in the lobby. I then told him, "I'm clean. I'm ready." He looked and me and said, 'I feel the same way. So does your stake president. With your confirmation, I think we are ready to bring you back into the church and fully restore all of your previous blessings." I finally got my "car" back! I began to cry and asked if I could give him a hug! He said yes and I cried and hugged him and then my stake president. We all went back into his office where my parents were, impatiently, waiting for the news. I told them and they both began to cry so I started crying again. I hugged them and then I sat down to receive all of my blessings back. I am choosing not to disclose information on how that process happens because it is quite sacred to me. I can say that there is just a strong, strong feeling of love. So for those of you who are inactive or are no longer with the church but feel a longing to come back, please come. You may think it is too scary or that people will be mad with you...and maybe some people will. Maybe some people will not be willing to forgive your actions while you were inactive from the church or when you were living against the church. But I can promise you with a 100 percent guarantee that God will never be angry with you. He loves you and will accept you with love and joy if you are willing to come to Him in sincerity.
One thing that was said to me by Elder Cook as I left was "every day is a new day." I love that. I have still tried to keep that in my mind, especially when I make mistakes, I still make them. I am human. Just by getting all of the blessings back that I had previously not had, does not mean that I am perfect. A lot has happened in the six months since. I will probably share some of them with you later, but I just want to say that the road I took to get to where I was on April 6, 2017 was not an easy one. It was not quick and it was not always pleasant, but it was WORTH IT. Please come back to church. Please repent and live each day new. You are clean every morning when you wake up and every night when you go to sleep if you will ask for forgiveness with real sincerity and keep trying to do good things. I love this church so much and am so grateful that this chapter of my life has come to a close. That does not mean that I am not going to continue to be converted to the Lord. I have to be converted again every day. You can too. I can try and help in any way I can, because I love you and want to see you happy as well, because we should all be happy!!

Press Forward, Endure to the end...

" And now, my beloved brethren, after ye have gotten into this strait and narrow path, I would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save.

Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life." (2 Nephi Chapter 31, verses 19 and 20) Well, everyone, it has been one year. I haven't posted anything in one year. I said on Facebook that I would explain why and this is something I've prayed about and feel that it can be shared, so long as it's not talked about in detail or at too much length. I had asked not to have any data on my phone or any internet on my computer, because of the awful and damaging effects of pornography. It became an addiction and, as with addictions, it had some very devastating effects on me. So, to keep myself strong and clean, I asked for no data and no internet. I hated that choice. But I am so grateful for that choice. It helped me to see that I can live a clean life and that one's addiction does not have to rule one's life and that I don't have to fear that I will never be clean from addiction, because I have had prolonged time of cleanliness and morality. (for more information, the LDS church has a lot of information on how to get help and where to go and I also love the website www.fightthenewdrug.org)

I decided, again with prayer, that I was ready for data and internet again and started slowly with very limited data on my phone. This post is not about pornography or about internet usage or about my phone,however. This post is about enduring to the end, and what happens AFTER I'm baptized.  

I like to use an analogy of a car. Let's say that a dad gets his son a new car (or a used car...whatever...a car) and he just GIVES him this car. That's pretty nice of that dad to do. Let's say the son gets in an accident because he was texting while driving. So, as punishment, his dad takes his phone and his car away until further notice. Clearly, this dad hates his son and doesn't want him to be happy right? Despite what the son or the son's friends tell him, this boy's father does not hate his son. He loves his son. He doesn't want his son to get hurt again and wants to be able to trust him with both his phone and his car. Clearly, the son is a terrible menace to society, an awful, lawless person who should never be allowed to drive ever again, right? Wrong again. Why do you think it's called a car accident. It was an accident! The son wasn't TRYING to destroy his own car and put others and himself in harm, he just made a mistake. He can still drive a car and use his phone, it's just got to be at a time when he can be trusted with them both. that doesn't mean he's NEVER going to get into another accident or that he's not going to possibly go too fast in a snow storm and veer off the road, only to be more cautious and get back on the road again.  

God gave me His gospel, His church, a knowledge of His Son, and all of the wonderful benefits that come with it (tithing, prayer, the temple, church callings, etc.) I got into an accident. So, my Father, as punishment, took away those gospel blessings from my life. Because He hates me and is a vengeful, angry God, right? No. God loves me. He just wants me to not hurt myself again. Until I can appreciate my 'phone' (the church) and my 'car' (all of the associated blessings) again, I can't use it for awhile. Does that mean I am an awful person and should never be trusted with God's blessings and His church ever again? No. Will I still 'drive too fast in a snow storm' (curse, hear a dirty joke, be short with someone, not read my scriptures one day) Yes. I will just have to be more cautious and get back on the road again. Last year, my Father decided to 'give me back my phone' first. I was rebaptized into the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints. I was then able to receive some of my original blessings back. I could represent the congregation by praying to God in behalf of all of us, I could have the Holy Ghost with me always to help guide me in my life all the time instead of feeling that feeling every once and awhile. Many other things that I can't share because they are personal to me happened. But I still didn't have my 'car.' A few days ago I received a call asking me if I could come in and meet with someone high up in my church to discuss receiving all of my former blessings. This means, that I could go back into the temple, give blessings to others in the name of God, and do some pretty important stuff. I could get my 'car' back. :) Much like the responsibility that comes to someone who gets their first car, this is a pretty big deal and there is much sobriety and much maturity that will come with these blessings being restored. I'm nervous. To say I have anxiety over this is an understatement. Some of you may know that I suffer from severe anxiety that has only recently become an ugly part of my life. Accompanying it are attacks. I didn't think those were real or that only crazy people had them. My sister said, "that's because nobody films themselves having an anxiety attack!" I have been blessed with a lot of feelings, but sometimes my feelings are too much for me to handle and they all come flooding in at one time. Anger, fear, resentment, hate, frustration, even love and concern and some happiness all come at me in one giant wave. I start breathing in and out rapidly, shaking occurs, I will punch walls, beds, pillows, the floor, or even myself in the head. If not contained, I will pass out from lack of oxygen. It's not real fun. I don't do it to get attention. I don't use it as an excuse to get out of hard things. I wish I didn't have it. To live in a constant fragile state of fear is not something I enjoy. I try and 'just be happy and calm down' like many suggest, but it's not that simple. I am still meeting with a therapist to go over these attacks and to stabilize my mood and medication helps with that as well. I worry about so many things, but this week what I'm worried about is that I'm not ready. I'm not ready to 'get my car back'. I'm not good enough or I haven't paid enough of a price. I still make too many mistakes. My heart is in it, but my body says, 'forget that, I'm gonna do what I want to do!!!' and then remorse and negative consequences inevitably follow. So Wednesday...I will just have to keep a prayer in my heart (and if y'all would like to do the same that would be spectacular) that my Father knows when I'm ready to get my 'car' back. He knows what I can handle even when I fear I can't handle it. Now that I have internet I will try and let you know more about how things are going, and of course, reach out on Facebook or texting and share your thoughts or concerns or anything with me. Some of you have and I enjoy being able to discuss shared feelings of inadequacies or struggles or feelings of God's love in your life or in mine.  I am just so grateful that I have a God in Heaven who knows me better than I know me. It brings peace to know that at least SOMEONE out there knows what the heaven is going on with me and my life and where I'm headed. So...that's it for today. We'll see what happens Wednesday! 

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints...

"Behold, thus saith the Lord God: When the day cometh that they shall believe in me, that I am Christ, then have I covenanted with their fathers that they shall be restored in the flesh, upon the earth, unto the lands of their inheritance. And it shall come to pass that they shall be gathered in from their long dispersion..."
So...I realize I left a lot of you out there hanging. "Did he get baptized? it's been like four weeks, what the heck happened!?"
Well, I went in and met with the Stake President. (the ecclesiastical leader overseeing my progression)  We sat down and he opened a folder and began to ask me questions.
"Do you believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His son, Jesus Christ?" My heart leapt and I started to feel a small sliver of hope, but stopped just in case what I thought was happening might not ACTUALLY be what was happening. I answered with a heartfelt and a sincere, "yes!" He moved to the next question; and the next question; and the next. Each question brought on a different part of my journey. Did I believe we have a prophet on the Earth today? What did this mean to me? I thought about Moses, Adam, and Noah. All of the greats! Then I smiled at the thought that I believe, and know with a surety, that we have a Moses, an Adam, a Noah still on the Earth today. God used prophets anciently to declare His word and if God is the same yesterday, today, and forever then why wouldn't  He still speak to us through a prophet? We have that prophet, Thomas S. Monson, and I sustain him and follow his word, knowing it is the word of God. What do I know of the Word of Wisdom? Was I willing to follow this? I thought back to when I decided to stop drinking coffee and tea, even though I didn't understand why, and the resulting health benefits I received from following what God asked. I think about how I stopped watching movies or listening to songs that filled my body with unhealthy garbage; things that were not good for me. "Yes! I'm willing to live this way." I was asked about what I had learned from the first principles of the gospel, faith in Jesus Christ and repentance. I'm STILL learning what that means to me. Faith in Jesus Christ has to be there, otherwise I will have no belief that I could repent. I would not be able to feel forgiven or cleansed if I didn't first have faith that Christ was an actual man, but more than that, that Christ wasn't JUST a man, but a God also; A God who suffered for my sins and died for me. Did that happen? Is it merely a nice story to make us feel better? No, I do not think this is mere fairy tale. Yes, this actually happened. I know that it did. I don't fully understand it, but I know in my heart that Christ is real and so is the grace He offers me. I feel it. I can not write it in words or speak it to you. You have to feel it. That's the only way. I feel it. I know it because of those feelings. He then asked, "do you feel you have been forgiven?" ...Something I had been struggling with for years. Am I forgiven? I have done so very many dark and unclean things in the last 8 years...I have done terrible, saddening, sickening, horrifying things. But were these things UN-forgivable? Or could I really, truly, believe that Christ's atonement was strong enough to seriously cleanse me of these atrocities I had committed? I had been telling myself for months and years that I could not be forgiven. I had not suffered enough. The things I had done were too evil and surely God required more suffering on my part. But...in this moment...when asked, "do you feel you have been forgiven?" A voice from somewhere inside of me said, "yes." The words left my mouth and I began to cry. Joy overcame me. The stake president then read a letter from the Prophet and the apostles of the church... Indeed, I had been forgiven. I was accepted for baptism into the Church of Jesus Christ. I sobbed for a few moments, overcome with the emotions of  a spared soul, a man who had been snatched from a death sentence and had been pardoned. How? How do I deserve this? How am I offered such a blessing? How is this done? To this very day, I don't understand. I don't understand that kind of forgiveness and love. But I felt the voice whisper, "Brent, believe. Believe. You are clean. This is truth."  On March 6, 2016 I entered the waters of baptism. I actually don't remember a whole lot of that day because it was quite a lot to take in! One thing I do remember was looking into the font of water in which I would soon enter...and sobbing; the tears of a broken man who would soon be clean again and accepted into Christ's church... the church I had, for so many years, tried desperately to become a part of again. I think about this today. I was broken. I had to piece myself together. With God's help, piece by piece, I was put back together. I can see each of these pieces like a shattered vase. Each beautiful piece being placed back together. In one piece I can see my family (moving back in with my parents, gospel talks with my uncle, finding out about cousins who had fasted for me, my grandmothers telling me of their silent prayers for me, my sisters' words of affirmations along the way) In another piece I see my friends (Patrick and Kiera being there for me at institute when I first started coming back to church, Erin and Haley who took the time to befriend a sinner and love someone who I  thought was unloveable, Angel and Octavious and Taylor who befriended me at Volleyball when I was terrified to meet new people at church,  Sarah and Crystal and Brett and Herb and Tori and Jessica and Bryan and Kara and David and Zach ((and if I'm missing someone I'm so sorry)) who came and visited me at work and shocked me because I didn't understand why anyone would come see me at work. They talked with me at church, they have stayed with me, they supported me, they spoke of uplifting things and helped answer my questions. They provided me with a safe place to go and feel peace.) Another piece I see is prayer (nights that I did not sleep because I was up pleading and crying and begging my Father for help and forgiveness. Days where I needed prayer at every moment to get me through the day) In another piece is deleting my old Facebook and starting anew. Another piece: changing my phone number to move away from those who reminded me of my past life....a life I no longer wanted to remember. Yet another piece, meeting with a therapist to help me put my new life in order and sort out the mistakes of the past. Truly, many more pieces could be added and most of them are very private, very scary, very glorious, very spiritual, very heartbreaking, but very helping pieces of this glorious vessel that makes up me. I still have to wait for the glue to dry and I continually need to be placed back in the refiner's fire, but I am becoming a beautiful work of art thanks to my God and my Savior. This blog is not done, because every day I am converted to the Lord. I will continue to share struggles and successes on this road that still is leading me back to my Father in Heaven and to my Brother, Jesus Christ. But I did want to say how truly grateful I am for the miracle of the atonement of Jesus Christ. I kneel in amazement. I think about how Moses parted the red sea and I think, 'wow that's an amazing miracle...but guess what God did for ME! Now THAT'S a miracle!' It really is. There are those who might say, 'that's great that he could change his life around, but God and Jesus had nothing to do with it. It's just the story of a determined individual who made changes in his life and came out the other end a better man' and to them I would say, simply, 'you are wrong.' God and Jesus Christ had EVERYTHING to do with this change in my life. I could not be this person I am; I could not have made the necessary changes I needed to make; indeed I CAN NOT be anything without my God and my Lord. "Jesus saith unto him, 'I am the way, the truth and the life.' I love them. I need them. I praise them.


"...Seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; and have put on the new man, which is renewed in the knowledge after the image of him that created him...put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering...and above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful."

I am so thankful for my God. I am thankful for Jesus. I am thankful even, for this long journey back; the good times, but also the hard times on this road. It has all made me who I am today and I look forward to the journey ahead!

Come What May, and Love it...

I got a text yesterday from the man who sets up appointments with my stake president. For those of you who don't know what that means...The stake president is the one who will receive a letter letting me know if God has found me worthy of baptism. So when I received a text yesterday asking if I could meet with the stake president...I had a momentary freak out. My letter has arrived. Now I just have to wait for a time when I can meet with my stake president to see what the letter says. God is teaching me (but more-so teaching my mother) patience because it would be nice to know right this second what God has planned for me. Typing that (it would be nice to know right this second what God has planned for me) gets me thinking...wouldn't that be nice if such was the always the way. If, all of the time, we knew what God had planned for us right this second. Thomas S. Monson said, "Our problem is that we often expect instantaneous solutions to such challenges, forgetting that frequently the heavenly virtue of patience is required." I feel good in my heart. I feel...patient. I'm okay to wait for a few more minutes, or hours, or days, to see what God would have me do. I've been waiting years to see what God would have me do, so I can keep waiting. I'm becoming rather good at it! I'm so very glad that God will never rush us into anything. He lets us be patient so that we can have a more fulfilling experience. Had I been rushed into baptism, rushed through repentance, rushed into marriage, rushed into having children I would not have had any experience that was worthwhile. Because of my having to wait to get baptized, I have grown in every aspect of my testimony. because my repentance took time, (and still continues to be a daily aspect of my life) it means more to me once I'm completely forgiven. because I've had to wait to get married, I have found my relationships with others are deeper and more meaningful and I've been able to really focus on what I want in a future spouse and focus on what I need to do to become that future spouse myself. Because I've been having to wait for children of my own, I feel strongly that these children will be loved dearly and appreciated every minute of the day because of how long it took for me to receive them! And I've also learned parenting skills from my sisters that can help me be more ahead as a parent than having just rushed into having children. So, I'm grateful that God is teaching me patience because anything that is worth having takes time. So, what are my thoughts? Am I nervous? Am I going to be disappointed if I have to continue to wait?

I am actually not nervous at all. I fasted and prayed for peace and to feel okay with whatever God's answer to me is. And I feel that peace. And I know where that peace comes from, "Now the Lord of peace himself give you peace always by all means." (2 Thessalonians 3:16) I don't worry about my future. As long as I am striving to do what God asks me to do, He's got me in His hands and He will do as He sees fit to do with me, but I know whatever He sees fit to do with me, it will be great! It will make me happy and make those around me happy!

Either God will say, "okay, you're ready!" and I will get baptized, marry the most wonderful girl in the world, have children and live happily ever after (that is attainable, Happy Ever After is actually possible with God) Or God will say, "you still need to wait. Give it another year." and I will wait another year, get baptized, marry the most wonderful girl in the world, have children, and live happily ever after. The outcome, with God, is always going to be the same, I WILL be baptized into Christ's church. I WILL be married to a pure, righteous, beautiful daughter of God. I WILL have children. I WILL live happily ever after. God has promised these blessings to me and I WILL receive them, I may just have to be patient, but I WILL get there.


"Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.

For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand."

Count Your Many Blessings... (alternative title: I'm working on that...)

I had originally started a different post today, but was interrupted by two of the cutest girls in my life. I was a little agitated, because I wanted to get this post written and then take a nap, but I also had had a really bad night last night and a tough morning and God said, 'you need to serve others and put them before yourself.' So I got off the computer and did puzzles with my one niece while the other one poked my ears and 'honked' my nose and said, 'ewww, so many boogers' and then laughed at her own hilarious joke. As I got on to finish this post, 7 hours later, I decided on a completely different topic. I was going to share my fears and my hardships of last night and of this morning, but all I'm going to say on that is that last night I had a lot of fear that filtered into this morning and I had to have a really honest, open conversation with God and had to ask Him for help. "I can't do this" was a main theme of my fears. I'm right, though. I can't do this. At least not on my own. Thankfully, I don't have to do this on my own. I have God and He has given me Christ. He's also given me a multitude of other blessings. (my nieces being two of those blessings) Spencer W. Kimball said, "Journals are a way of counting our blessings and of leaving an inventory of these blessings for our posterity.”  Since this blog is one of my journals, (in fact, it's one of the only ones I'm semi-good at keeping) It's hard to begin a list of blessings. I could name the obvious ones: a nice home to be in, food on the table, and clothes on my back, a car to drive, a job, money, food....I'm REAL thankful for food. But my list of blessings extends far beyond that. I don't JUST have a job. I have a job that I love going to. How many people can say that they love going into work. Even on those days when I don't really feel like going into work, I get inside and the smiles and the, "hey Brent"s that I get put me into a better mood and I wonder why I ever felt like not going into work.

I have been given an amazing family who loves me and who loves each other. I've heard of daughters who 'divorce' their parents, fathers who disown sons, brothers who fight over a grudge that neither of them can remember, and I think of how blessed I am to have a family who enjoys being around one another. Not just my direct family, but my extended family. I know people who haven't ever MET some of their cousins. I know all of mine and most of their children...I'm still working on that part. My uncle is my hero. My Grandma is my delight. My cousins each hold pieces of my heart. The support that my family gives to me is mind-blowing. It's humbling to know that not only do they take an interest in me, but they pray for me, fast for me, and fight for me. They love me and I only pray that I can love them as much.

I have been blessed with the most amazing group of friends. I really, and quite legitimately, don't understand them. I don't understand why they come visit me at work...some of them don't even like burgers! (I work at a burger place, for those who are confused) I don't understand why they pay close attention to little things I say and then remember to ask me about them later or they will remark about how they liked what I had said about something that I didn't even think anyone was listening to. (sometimes, I just like to hear myself talk, so it freaks me out when other people like to hear me talk as well) I have a group of 'bros' who don't care about my past or about my same-gender attraction; to them I'm just 'one of the bros' and I don't understand that! I sometimes feel like I'm SUPER awkward around them and I sometimes worry I'm going to say something 'gay' or slip up and show my true excitement for a movie musical that will make them all think, 'oooookay, so who's gonna tell him not to be seen around us anymore?' But then I spend a few minutes around them and I feel so loved and accepted that those fears go away (most times...still working on that) I have one friend that is so dear to me that it makes my heart ache with joy that she is in my life. Her laugh is pretty much my number one favorite sound in the world. She cares so deeply for everyone in her life and is such a good friend to everyone that it makes me feel like the worst friend ever! I look to her as my example of how to be a good friend. I look to all of this group as my example of how to be a true friend.

I have been blessed with one truly, very special friend. I'm preeeeetttty sure most people know who I'm talking about. She doesn't care about who I was; only who I am now and more importantly who I'm becoming. I miss her when she is not around. She brings peace to my soul and clarity to my confusion. I only have to be around her for about 6 seconds for all of my fears to completely go away. She's beautiful and I'm not just talking about looks (she got a haircut that is super foxy) but her entire being is beautiful. Her soul and spirit is so attractive. She continues to restore my faith in people and is making it seem okay for me to maybe trust in someone. When so many others have left, she remains (and I really don't know why.) I'm just waiting for the day when I say something stupid or when I do something that is going to be too much for her to handle and she will walk away and leave me. So far, that hasn't happened yet and I keep praying it won't because I need her too much. I love her and have been blessed to have her in my life.

Some other things I've been blessed with. I've been blessed with tests in my life. Tests that have made me, and even those around me, better people. I'm blessed to have a love for everyone. I really love everyone. Having said this...I recently have started feeling anger towards some people. It's new and I don't like it. I've never felt this way and I'm working on finding that innate love that I used to have for everyone. That has always been a talent God has blessed me with and it is something I fear I'm losing. I've been jaded by past experiences that have left me wondering if it's even worth it to love people if they just let you down or leave your life. I'm learning that some people were only meant to be in your life for a certain amount of time to teach you something or for you to teach them something and once that lesson has been learned, they move on, but leave those imprints and those lessons in your life and you or they are a better person because of it. (You can start singing 'For Good' now...I'll wait...)  I'm learning that I need to forgive those people for not loving me in the way that I wanted to be loved. I know that sounds weird, conceded, awful, or unfair and maybe it's confusing and doesn't even make sense to you. But I need to realize that everyone has weaknesses and that everyone needs forgiveness. I need it, so I must be willing to show it to others. I've spent too much time being angry with those who don't show as much love as I wanted them to or who aren't there as much as I'd like them to be or who don't text me back right away! I'm realizing, by now having friends who are absolutely crazy about me, that I'M that bad friend to them! I don't text them back right away! I don't show them nearly as much love as they show me. I'm getting off topic, but I just wanted to express this for those of you who read, "I'm blessed to have a love for everyone" and say to me, via the computer screen, 'yea, love for everyone except me!!!' I hope no one is yelling that at the computer, but if you are...I'm so sorry I am not a better friend and that I don't love you in the way that you would like me to....I'm working on that, too.

I'm blessed to have same-gender attraction. I know...this one's a hard one to say. But the blessings that have come out of this adversity are so many. My heart hurts so much for those brothers and sisters who have this in their life. But here are maybe some blessings that you can recognize because of your same-gender attraction as well. Because of my same-gender attraction, I have a more understanding heart. I'd like to think I'm less judgmental (although I think that comes from having such a terrible past and becoming such a better person through Jesus Christ, that I see a smoker, or a cutter, a junkie, or a 'homo' and I just see the future father, teacher, artist, or the comedian, or I simply see the beautiful girl, or the caring friend) My family's life has been blessed because we've grown even closer. My relationship with my parents is so much stronger. Bishops and Stake Presidents have a whole new understanding of what it means to be gay and have a testimony of Jesus Christ, because of this.

I am blessed to have suffered loss. Loss of my friend when I was 8, loss of my grandfather when I was 16, loss of friends, and recently lost loves. I'm blessed because I didn't die. I'm blessed because my world still went on when I thought it couldn't possibly do so. I'm blessed with knowledge and strength and experience that I wouldn't trade for anything.

I'm blessed to have rain! I LOVE the rain. I love the sunshine that makes bright red tomatoes. I'm blessed to have sight so that I can see the bright red tomatoes. I love looking out the window and watching the peaceful snow fall to the ground. I love standing outside while the snow is falling and hearing absolute silence. The world gets somehow quieter when the snow is falling. I love standing out in a rain storm and hearing it beat upon the ground and feeling it beat upon my face is one of my favorite feelings. I love being able to hear the rain. I'm blessed with hearing! I'm blessed with legs to stand on and a body that works. I'm blessed to have a body. It's amazing. I don't have a six-pack or slim waist (I'm working on that, too...lots of things to work on) but when I get sick, I can go to sleep and my amazing body can heal itself....seriously...it heals itself! I can't even begin to go into how amazing the female body is and how it reshapes itself during and after pregnancy is...creepy, but also fascinating!
I have so very many more blessing in my life. I'm blessed to have a Father in Heaven that I can talk to whenever I want and I know He will listen to me and love me. I'm blessed with Jesus Christ in my life. He comforts me, he walks with me, and I swear I can feel his arms holding me sometimes when I'm so very low.
Can you all just take some time and look at the blessings in your life? You don't even have to believe in God, even though He believes in you. You just have to look around and think, "wow, I'm so thankful that I have a working, healthy body. I'm so thankful that I have a car to drive me wherever I want. I'm glad I have food to eat tonight." Henry B. Eyring has suggested even starting a gratitude journal. He says,
"As you start to write, you could ask yourself, “How did God bless me and those I love today?” If you do that often enough and with faith, you will find yourself remembering blessings. And sometimes you will have gifts brought to your mind that you failed to notice during the day but that you will then know were a touch of God’s hand in your life.

I pray that we may make a continuing effort in faith to recognize, remember, and give thanks for what our Heavenly Father and our Savior have done and are doing to open the way home to Them."

I pray for the same thing for each of you, my friends. I love you and am blessed to have you in my life!

Glory to the newborn King...

'For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life' St. John Chapter 3, verse 16

December. It's already mid-December. I am amazed at how quickly this year has flown by. Even more amazed am I at all of the experiences that have been crammed into a single year. In one month, I have the opportunity to resubmit a letter to the first presidency of the church...to resubmit my desires to the Lord and to God to be brought back into the fold of His church and be baptized. I don't know yet when I'm going to start on this letter, but I do know that I have some thoughts on this year and, more especially, on Christ; being that this is the time of year when we should have our thoughts turned to Him. This journey I have been on, as you who have read my blog well know, has been difficult. I tend to give you the hard truths and the struggles I face, not because I am a negative thinking person, but because I hope, by the end of each post, that you can see that difficulties are always made better through the Savior and through God's grace, which is given because of the Savior. Friends, I have experienced heartache I thought I would quite literally die from. I've felt fear that quite literally caused me to lose my words, shake, and weep. I have also felt joy. I have felt joy that I can not put into words, no matter how I try. I simply can not give you the feelings I have felt. words and descriptions can not satisfy or give in enough detail the actual feelings of joy I have experienced. Not only joy, but peace, safety, love, security, power, confidence, and hope. My Savior, Jesus Christ, is the reason for that hope, peace, safety, and security. In a year that has been filled with doubt, confusion, and fear, Christ has been the guiding force in my life. The times when I feel like I can make it, are the times when I am reading my scriptures, praying, and reaching out in service to others (even when I don't know how to serve and don't feel like I am serving) Those times when I am depressed, fearful, and feeling alone, are those times when I've told myself 'I don't need Christ right now. I need to do this on my own. I can't ask Him for help, He wants me to be tough and strong and figure this out on my own.' That is a lie. I think we have formed in our minds, as a society, that men are tough. We don't ask for help. We don't run away from a fight and we never back down. We don't admit that we are scared because that's 'gay.' We don't cry because we 'are not a little girl. Man up. Stop crying. Get over it. Superman doesn't cry. Don't you want to be tough like Superman?' No. I've come to realize I don't want to be tough like Superman or Thor or the Hulk or Iron man or any of the avengers that are so idolized in society and in young boy's lives these days. I want to be tough like Jesus. Jesus is the ultimate super man. He is a hero. He is my hero. He is also my best friend. I've gone through a few friends this year. An interesting quote I saw said, 'it's strange how some of our best friends are now strangers and how some strangers have become our best friends' and  this is so true of my life. My birthday is coming up and I am having a party and I thought back to last year's birthday party. I don't think a single person from my party last year is going to my party this year. I know that sounds junior high, but really, it's because people have moved away, moved forward, moved on, or moved in a different direction than me. I don't know how many people from my party this year will be there next year, but my point in all of this is that there is one who has been my best friend for more years than I can count. Christ has been there for me. Always. I may not invite him to my party some years because we are not in the same place, but he still waits for that invitation. Every year. He invites me to his birthday every year. Am I going to attend? Am I going to celebrate his birth? This year I have tried my hardest to celebrate his birth, his life, and his death and resurrection. This December has been one of magnificence because I have taken the time to ponder upon the life of my best friend and big brother, Jesus Christ. My heart has been so full. I never understood that saying when the old ladies or the teary, emotional women would stand up in church in testimony meeting and say 'oh, my heart is just so full.' But...I get it now. I'm that emotional old lady! It is so hard to describe, but it's probably something similar to what the Grinch felt when his heart grew. For me, it feels like my heart is expanding and getting larger in my chest. So much so, that it causes me to cry sometimes from sheer joy. I can't express it in words, I can not reasonably understand the love and the joy and so all I can do is cry. I can not get that joy from even the funniest romantic comedy. This joy can not come from sexual encounters, from a 'good beat' in a song (though music can add to the joy), or from some sort of alcoholic buzz or drug induced high. It pains my heart that there are many of you who I know, some who may even read this, who have no idea what I'm talking about; who do not know what this means and can not see past their pride and their happiness in alcohol or pornography or swearing or whatever you feel makes you happy...not even makes you happy, but helps you through the day. Believe me, I am not 'holier than thou.' I am not without sin. In fact, the reason I am pained in my heart for you is because I AM you, to a certain extent. Sometimes,  I choose my drug in lieu of joy and real happiness because it's just easier and faster and takes less work or self-introspection. I let my pride take over and I miss out on what could have been a better experience had I just fought on. I plead that you let go of your own pride and do what your best friend would want you to do. He loves you. He wants to see you smile and wants to see you happy. Christ is that best friend and in this season of joy and goodwill towards men...can we please reconnect with our best friend? I can promise you, with sincerity of heart and as a promise that comes from experience; I promise you that if you will stop...just stop...breathe for a few seconds...clear out all other distractions that I guarantee will come into your mind when you are trying to do something good (but...but Facebook though?! I don't have time, I have to _________. I'm just too tired, I need to Netflix and shut my brain off for a minute or an hour...or four) STOP. Peace, be still. Take five seconds and stop. Then ask any of the following questions:  'Lord...what would Ye have me do, right this second.' 'Lord, do You love me?' 'Lord, am I still yours?' 'God, can Ye help me feel a little peace right now?' and then LISTEN. I will not talk to someone who is talking over me. It's rude. I will let them talk. God is the same. He will let you talk...even if you have nothing important or uplifting or good to say. Try letting Him talk. Once you ask the question, listen. Now, a word of caution. If you do this....you will receive an answer. God will answer you. The word of caution is that you may not like the answer that comes. All too often, people (myself included) do not want to ask because we already know the answer and we know we won't like what the answer is, so we just don't ask. We push it back or 'hide it away' or 'sweep it under the rug' because it's too much. That answer comes with a lot behind it. What does it mean if the answer is, 'Yes, child. I love you."? What responsibility do we then feel we have based on this love? Responsibility that we don't want to take on, so we don't ask. That way, we feel we don't have to worry about that responsibility. It's still there, whether we acknowledge it or not. When I knelt down in the apartment I was sharing with my partner of 6 years and asked God what He would have me do...I felt completely unprepared for the responsibilities that would entail a complete change of life. 'No, Father, there is too much required. I have to break my partner's (and my own) heart. I have to figure out how to tell our friends. Will my family still take me back when I've estranged myself? What happens when I meet a new guy and feel regret at choosing You instead of him and a life of happiness together? Can I stay on this path? I will have to talk to a lot of people and admit a lot of really horrible things that I have done. It's too embarrassing and humiliating. Can't I just ignore it and continue to sweep it all under the rug? Can't I just continue to try and live this life I'm currently living? It's easier....' These were some of the thoughts I had. But friends...I severely underestimated the power of God and the power of Christ's atonement to change people. I broke my partner's heart. Today, he is thriving and doing so well living a life that he wants with goals and hobbies and dreams being fulfilled and met. I told our friends of our separation and most of them I have not spoken to in years. Some are still, remarkably, my friends and I have been blessed to make so many new friends along this journey back to God. My family was kind enough to take me back and I was so fortunate because some families, sadly, don't give that forgiveness and love back to their own children/brother/parent. and what of meeting a new guy and feeling regret for choosing God instead of that old life with that cute new guy? I have felt fear of choosing that old life...but I have never regretted choosing God. God was the best choice I could have ever made. Yeah, there have been cute guys. Luckily, they haven't been interested or have been straight or are already taken...but...even if a cute guy did show up who was single and interested in me... God is my choice. He is the one I choose and will always choose. That is where faith comes in. I can not doubt. I must have faith that if a super hot guy said, 'hey, you're kinda cute...can I get your number?' I would make the right choice and tell him 'first of all, I'm flattered because clearly you are blind or drunk or both or have glanced over the soda-belly and the vanishing hairline, but second... thank you, but I'm going to have to say no.' because while my old life may have seemed like an easier choice...this life I'm living or at least trying to live each day...is so much better and is so much more worth it. It's hard work, but it's so, so very worth it. I'm so grateful to Christ for allowing me the opportunity to change. It passes all understanding and, honestly, if I hadn't been the one living it, I would have no idea how I got here and how I was able to make it through all of the changes that this journey has required. All of the repentance and all of the humility and all of the focus. It's all possible because of the Savior. Again, some of you might think 'well...Christ had nothing to do with it. It was all you.' or I often hear 'Wow, good for you for making such big changes, I don't know how you did it.' the answer is...I didn't do it; at least not by myself. Please take some time...no matter how far gone you think you are or even if you don't want to change your life around and stop drinking or leave your partner or reconcile with a child you just can't forgive or turn off the pornography or quit your job that is a bad influence on you...even if you can't commit to that, commit to take just five minutes; five seconds to say thank you to Jesus. Thank Him for his sacrifice for you and his love for you. I'm pretty sure he'll love five seconds of your time than nothing at all this Christmas season. CHRISTmas is about Christ so make it about him for five minutes and not about you. I love all of you and I especially love my savior, my brother, and my best friend, Jesus Christ.

'For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace' Isaiah chapter 9, verse 6

'...The angel spake unto me, saying: Look! and I looked and beheld the virgin again, bearing a child in her arms. and the angel said unto me: Behold the Lamb of God, yea, even the Son of the Eternal Father... and I answered him saying: Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore it is the most desirable above all things.' 1 Nephi, Chapter 11, verses 20-22

The battle rages on...

Some people might not understand me. There are good reasons for this. My blog, while SUPER honest and straightforward, does not tell everything about me. I believe that we all hide things and, sometimes, there is good reason to. We don't share everything, we don't pour our hearts out to those we just met, we don't expose our whole soul to people we don't feel like we have enough trust with and, in some cases, we still don't expose our whole soul even to those we feel we can trust the most. I know that I have been very bold in my telling all of you my feelings of same-gender attraction, my thoughts on suicide, my lost battles, and my thoughts and feelings on God and my relationship. I still have not told you all everything. It wouldn't be sacred or personal if I told everyone my very private talks with God. It would be 'throwing pearls before swine' as it were, to share the darkest and most painful and terrifying times in my life. The same is true for the brightest and most sacred and spiritual times in my life as well. The reason I'm telling you this, is because you have no idea what this journey has been like. I have no idea what your journey is like, either. I have no idea what it is like to steal money from my parents so I can meet late at night with my dealer to get my next calming fix. I have no idea what it is like to feel pressure to end the life of your child that has not yet been born and to live each day knowing the decision you made is final and permanent and can not be taken back. I don't know anything of the pain, the tears, the trust issues, the anger and of having to let that go that are all associated with rape from someone who you are supposed to look up to and take after or respect. We sometimes look at others and think, 'wow, good for them for changing and overcoming this thing in their life. I could never do that.' and you are right. You can never do what that person did because you are not that person. Even those who struggle with same-gender attraction can not go through what I went through, though our 'affliction' is the same, our stories are so very, very different. While it is true that you can not do what I can do, or what your mother can do or what your neighbor can do, that does not mean that you can't do it, if that makes sense. "I can't do this." is VERY different from, "I can't do what so-and-so can." Yes, I've had to do certain things on my road back that have been very difficult and required a lot of prayer and fasting and tears and fear and courage and determination and patience, but I have been able to do them...and I am not a rare case. You are not immune to the help of your Father in Heaven. You are not too far gone to come back. I know of so many men (and I'm sure there are an equal number of women) who are attracted to another man (or woman), but who love God. They don't know what to do, so they choose a partner rather than God, because "I can't do it." I was one of those people! I could literally see no other way to be happy in this life than to 'just be gay! Just be gay, you do you and you do what feels right. If a guy makes you happy, than you be with a guy!" and so I did. I did what I thought was going to make me happy. It made me happy, yes. The cost of that happiness? TRUE joy. I gave up blessings, I gave up God, I gave up my family and some of my friends, and I gave up...period. Friends, this war that I'm in right now (and it is an everyday war that will last until I die and probably even beyond that for awhile) is not easy. It is not easy to go each day knowing that I will never be able to cuddle with my partner ever again. I will never be able to kiss his cheeks and hold him in my arms while we watch T.V. together. It is not easy to cut out certain people from my life because they are bad for me...in fact I still have yet to do that. I'm in love with a boy that I can not have a future with and I have to live each day knowing that he will love someone else and she will be his everything. It is not easy for me when I find friends who are gay and I think, 'wow, he's so great and he's got so many good things going for him, he would make a good partner' and when that thought comes...I have to avoid that person. This is not easy, folks. My friends who deal with same-gender attraction, it is not easy to get out of the 'norm' of a white picket fence, a dog and two kids, and a life-long partner and chose God. It's not easy...but it's possible. Those who feel that a margarita helps them to be more fun and easy going, but give that up so that they can be sober and healthier...that's not easy. Those of you who are depressed or angry and feel like you have no control over your life so you use and you make all of the stress go away through marijuana or smoking or cocaine or whatever substance is yours of choice, but you give that up and decide, instead, to work through these problems by communicating or by working hard instead of running to your drug of choice....that's not easy. None of that is easy. Life is not supposed to be that way. I have to work hard every day to stay away from sin and temptation, some of which might make me very happy and feel fulfilled. The key thing I have to remember is that these sins or bad choices is that they are always a temporary happy, a temporary fulfillment, a temporary pleasure or satisfaction. It's temporary. If I am hungry and want something right now, I can microwave a turkey dinner. Takes, what...10 minutes maybe? And I will be full and I will have met my need for food...but it isn't Thanksgiving dinner. Homemade mashed potatoes take a long time and a lot of elbow grease. Cranberry sauce takes at least 30 minutes, minus cool down time (I should know, I'm in charge of it every Thanksgiving!) and then there's the turkey. The turkey takes practically all day to cook and baste and roast and whatever else you do to that bird. But at the end of the day, which would leave me MORE fulfilled? I would rather the thanksgiving dinner every day than a microwave meal. So many of us are settling for the microwave dinner because we are just too busy or we are too stressed or we don't feel like we know how to cook. (I hope you are seeing the metaphor/analogy here) Friends, it is exhausting to make a Thanksgiving feast every single day of your life. But when your life on Earth ends and you look back on your days, wouldn't you like to see that each day was a feast and not just a settlement for a temporary meal. I know for a fact that there are those of you I wish would read this that will not read this. Even worse, I know there are those that I really wish would read this, and will read it, and then do nothing about it because they, while not satisfied with their microwave meal life thus far, are not brave enough, or don't think they are strong enough to move past that life. Please...please, don't think this way. You ARE strong enough, and when you aren't strong enough, God and Jesus are strong enough for the both of you. You CAN do this, I promise. I can also promise that you will mess up. There are days when I don't want to read my scriptures or pray and that day can turn into a few days. And that's okay. If I want to go without the help from my Father who knows all and can do all then that's fine. I just have to be okay with the consequences of that. (In my case, the longer I go without scripture study, church attendance, and prayer- the consequences are that I don't feel like I'm ever going to get married. I start to be more flirty with guys whether they are gay or straight, it doesn't matter, I'm just lonelier.  I get more tired and I feel less motivated to do anything. I don't want to spend time with my family. I am more emotional and less logical about decisions. I feel more sad.) If I'm okay with the consequences then that's fine. Obviously, I'm not okay with these consequences and so I have to do all I can to keep myself safe and protected and happy. The thing is, some days... I really just can't do it. Some times I listen to a song that I know has suggestive lyrics, but I do it because I love the beat. Some days I watch a show that talks about sex or makes one-night stands and drinking seem normal and maybe even funny. Maybe I drop something on my foot or I jam my finger into something and I say a word that is...less than holy. Some times I am not my best. None of us is perfect and we fall short. Some days, Satan punches me in the stomach, I fall to the muddy ground, he laughs, kicks me in the side, and walks away to leave me all alone and wondering why I ever listened to or trusted him in the first place. The good news is, I can ALWAYS get back up out of the mud. I don't have to stay there. I don't have to lie there forever and wallow in my own bad choice and think 'well...this is it. This is where I stay.' No! You get back up out of that mud and you keep walking! Is Satan going to come back and punch you again? I guarantee it. But there's a smile brought to my face and confidence in my heart when I know that if I do a puzzle with my nephew instead of swiping through different guys on Tinder 'just to see what I'm missing out on out there', I'm raising a shield of protection so that Satan can't punch me in the stomach. If I can just call a friend to go on a walk with me when I'm having a hard day of depression instead of sitting at home and crying because I don't have someone to kiss or because I'm getting old and gaining more weight while simultaneously losing more hairline, I'm putting on a helmet to protect from the devil punching me in the face. Is it hard to pick up that phone and text someone to go on a walk when I could just lay there? Some of you may have no idea how hard that is, but I can tell you with all the pain in my heart that it is sometimes the hardest thing you will do that day is to simply pick up a phone. But it is SO worth it. I love you; all of you and I know that you can do this. Please trust in God. Please choose Him and the long lasting joy that He can bring you instead of choosing that other thing that looks so appealing, but will only give you an hour, a minute, a day, or even a week or a year of happy only to fade and leave you disappointed. "Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt and where thieves do not break though nor steal." (St. Matthew 6:19-20 KJV Bible)
Keep on fighting, get up and get going forward and know that you can do this, okay!? "Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage, be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee, whithersoever thou goest." (Joshua 1:9 KJV Bible) Be strong, warriors, you got this!