" And now, my beloved brethren, after ye have gotten into this strait and narrow path, I would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save.
Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life." (2 Nephi Chapter 31, verses 19 and 20) Well, everyone, it has been one year. I haven't posted anything in one year. I said on Facebook that I would explain why and this is something I've prayed about and feel that it can be shared, so long as it's not talked about in detail or at too much length. I had asked not to have any data on my phone or any internet on my computer, because of the awful and damaging effects of pornography. It became an addiction and, as with addictions, it had some very devastating effects on me. So, to keep myself strong and clean, I asked for no data and no internet. I hated that choice. But I am so grateful for that choice. It helped me to see that I can live a clean life and that one's addiction does not have to rule one's life and that I don't have to fear that I will never be clean from addiction, because I have had prolonged time of cleanliness and morality. (for more information, the LDS church has a lot of information on how to get help and where to go and I also love the website www.fightthenewdrug.org)
I decided, again with prayer, that I was ready for data and internet again and started slowly with very limited data on my phone. This post is not about pornography or about internet usage or about my phone,however. This post is about enduring to the end, and what happens AFTER I'm baptized.
I like to use an analogy of a car. Let's say that a dad gets his son a new car (or a used car...whatever...a car) and he just GIVES him this car. That's pretty nice of that dad to do. Let's say the son gets in an accident because he was texting while driving. So, as punishment, his dad takes his phone and his car away until further notice. Clearly, this dad hates his son and doesn't want him to be happy right? Despite what the son or the son's friends tell him, this boy's father does not hate his son. He loves his son. He doesn't want his son to get hurt again and wants to be able to trust him with both his phone and his car. Clearly, the son is a terrible menace to society, an awful, lawless person who should never be allowed to drive ever again, right? Wrong again. Why do you think it's called a car accident. It was an accident! The son wasn't TRYING to destroy his own car and put others and himself in harm, he just made a mistake. He can still drive a car and use his phone, it's just got to be at a time when he can be trusted with them both. that doesn't mean he's NEVER going to get into another accident or that he's not going to possibly go too fast in a snow storm and veer off the road, only to be more cautious and get back on the road again.
God gave me His gospel, His church, a knowledge of His Son, and all of the wonderful benefits that come with it (tithing, prayer, the temple, church callings, etc.) I got into an accident. So, my Father, as punishment, took away those gospel blessings from my life. Because He hates me and is a vengeful, angry God, right? No. God loves me. He just wants me to not hurt myself again. Until I can appreciate my 'phone' (the church) and my 'car' (all of the associated blessings) again, I can't use it for awhile. Does that mean I am an awful person and should never be trusted with God's blessings and His church ever again? No. Will I still 'drive too fast in a snow storm' (curse, hear a dirty joke, be short with someone, not read my scriptures one day) Yes. I will just have to be more cautious and get back on the road again. Last year, my Father decided to 'give me back my phone' first. I was rebaptized into the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints. I was then able to receive some of my original blessings back. I could represent the congregation by praying to God in behalf of all of us, I could have the Holy Ghost with me always to help guide me in my life all the time instead of feeling that feeling every once and awhile. Many other things that I can't share because they are personal to me happened. But I still didn't have my 'car.' A few days ago I received a call asking me if I could come in and meet with someone high up in my church to discuss receiving all of my former blessings. This means, that I could go back into the temple, give blessings to others in the name of God, and do some pretty important stuff. I could get my 'car' back. :) Much like the responsibility that comes to someone who gets their first car, this is a pretty big deal and there is much sobriety and much maturity that will come with these blessings being restored. I'm nervous. To say I have anxiety over this is an understatement. Some of you may know that I suffer from severe anxiety that has only recently become an ugly part of my life. Accompanying it are attacks. I didn't think those were real or that only crazy people had them. My sister said, "that's because nobody films themselves having an anxiety attack!" I have been blessed with a lot of feelings, but sometimes my feelings are too much for me to handle and they all come flooding in at one time. Anger, fear, resentment, hate, frustration, even love and concern and some happiness all come at me in one giant wave. I start breathing in and out rapidly, shaking occurs, I will punch walls, beds, pillows, the floor, or even myself in the head. If not contained, I will pass out from lack of oxygen. It's not real fun. I don't do it to get attention. I don't use it as an excuse to get out of hard things. I wish I didn't have it. To live in a constant fragile state of fear is not something I enjoy. I try and 'just be happy and calm down' like many suggest, but it's not that simple. I am still meeting with a therapist to go over these attacks and to stabilize my mood and medication helps with that as well. I worry about so many things, but this week what I'm worried about is that I'm not ready. I'm not ready to 'get my car back'. I'm not good enough or I haven't paid enough of a price. I still make too many mistakes. My heart is in it, but my body says, 'forget that, I'm gonna do what I want to do!!!' and then remorse and negative consequences inevitably follow. So Wednesday...I will just have to keep a prayer in my heart (and if y'all would like to do the same that would be spectacular) that my Father knows when I'm ready to get my 'car' back. He knows what I can handle even when I fear I can't handle it. Now that I have internet I will try and let you know more about how things are going, and of course, reach out on Facebook or texting and share your thoughts or concerns or anything with me. Some of you have and I enjoy being able to discuss shared feelings of inadequacies or struggles or feelings of God's love in your life or in mine. I am just so grateful that I have a God in Heaven who knows me better than I know me. It brings peace to know that at least SOMEONE out there knows what the heaven is going on with me and my life and where I'm headed. So...that's it for today. We'll see what happens Wednesday!
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