I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints...

"Behold, thus saith the Lord God: When the day cometh that they shall believe in me, that I am Christ, then have I covenanted with their fathers that they shall be restored in the flesh, upon the earth, unto the lands of their inheritance. And it shall come to pass that they shall be gathered in from their long dispersion..."
So...I realize I left a lot of you out there hanging. "Did he get baptized? it's been like four weeks, what the heck happened!?"
Well, I went in and met with the Stake President. (the ecclesiastical leader overseeing my progression)  We sat down and he opened a folder and began to ask me questions.
"Do you believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His son, Jesus Christ?" My heart leapt and I started to feel a small sliver of hope, but stopped just in case what I thought was happening might not ACTUALLY be what was happening. I answered with a heartfelt and a sincere, "yes!" He moved to the next question; and the next question; and the next. Each question brought on a different part of my journey. Did I believe we have a prophet on the Earth today? What did this mean to me? I thought about Moses, Adam, and Noah. All of the greats! Then I smiled at the thought that I believe, and know with a surety, that we have a Moses, an Adam, a Noah still on the Earth today. God used prophets anciently to declare His word and if God is the same yesterday, today, and forever then why wouldn't  He still speak to us through a prophet? We have that prophet, Thomas S. Monson, and I sustain him and follow his word, knowing it is the word of God. What do I know of the Word of Wisdom? Was I willing to follow this? I thought back to when I decided to stop drinking coffee and tea, even though I didn't understand why, and the resulting health benefits I received from following what God asked. I think about how I stopped watching movies or listening to songs that filled my body with unhealthy garbage; things that were not good for me. "Yes! I'm willing to live this way." I was asked about what I had learned from the first principles of the gospel, faith in Jesus Christ and repentance. I'm STILL learning what that means to me. Faith in Jesus Christ has to be there, otherwise I will have no belief that I could repent. I would not be able to feel forgiven or cleansed if I didn't first have faith that Christ was an actual man, but more than that, that Christ wasn't JUST a man, but a God also; A God who suffered for my sins and died for me. Did that happen? Is it merely a nice story to make us feel better? No, I do not think this is mere fairy tale. Yes, this actually happened. I know that it did. I don't fully understand it, but I know in my heart that Christ is real and so is the grace He offers me. I feel it. I can not write it in words or speak it to you. You have to feel it. That's the only way. I feel it. I know it because of those feelings. He then asked, "do you feel you have been forgiven?" ...Something I had been struggling with for years. Am I forgiven? I have done so very many dark and unclean things in the last 8 years...I have done terrible, saddening, sickening, horrifying things. But were these things UN-forgivable? Or could I really, truly, believe that Christ's atonement was strong enough to seriously cleanse me of these atrocities I had committed? I had been telling myself for months and years that I could not be forgiven. I had not suffered enough. The things I had done were too evil and surely God required more suffering on my part. But...in this moment...when asked, "do you feel you have been forgiven?" A voice from somewhere inside of me said, "yes." The words left my mouth and I began to cry. Joy overcame me. The stake president then read a letter from the Prophet and the apostles of the church... Indeed, I had been forgiven. I was accepted for baptism into the Church of Jesus Christ. I sobbed for a few moments, overcome with the emotions of  a spared soul, a man who had been snatched from a death sentence and had been pardoned. How? How do I deserve this? How am I offered such a blessing? How is this done? To this very day, I don't understand. I don't understand that kind of forgiveness and love. But I felt the voice whisper, "Brent, believe. Believe. You are clean. This is truth."  On March 6, 2016 I entered the waters of baptism. I actually don't remember a whole lot of that day because it was quite a lot to take in! One thing I do remember was looking into the font of water in which I would soon enter...and sobbing; the tears of a broken man who would soon be clean again and accepted into Christ's church... the church I had, for so many years, tried desperately to become a part of again. I think about this today. I was broken. I had to piece myself together. With God's help, piece by piece, I was put back together. I can see each of these pieces like a shattered vase. Each beautiful piece being placed back together. In one piece I can see my family (moving back in with my parents, gospel talks with my uncle, finding out about cousins who had fasted for me, my grandmothers telling me of their silent prayers for me, my sisters' words of affirmations along the way) In another piece I see my friends (Patrick and Kiera being there for me at institute when I first started coming back to church, Erin and Haley who took the time to befriend a sinner and love someone who I  thought was unloveable, Angel and Octavious and Taylor who befriended me at Volleyball when I was terrified to meet new people at church,  Sarah and Crystal and Brett and Herb and Tori and Jessica and Bryan and Kara and David and Zach ((and if I'm missing someone I'm so sorry)) who came and visited me at work and shocked me because I didn't understand why anyone would come see me at work. They talked with me at church, they have stayed with me, they supported me, they spoke of uplifting things and helped answer my questions. They provided me with a safe place to go and feel peace.) Another piece I see is prayer (nights that I did not sleep because I was up pleading and crying and begging my Father for help and forgiveness. Days where I needed prayer at every moment to get me through the day) In another piece is deleting my old Facebook and starting anew. Another piece: changing my phone number to move away from those who reminded me of my past life....a life I no longer wanted to remember. Yet another piece, meeting with a therapist to help me put my new life in order and sort out the mistakes of the past. Truly, many more pieces could be added and most of them are very private, very scary, very glorious, very spiritual, very heartbreaking, but very helping pieces of this glorious vessel that makes up me. I still have to wait for the glue to dry and I continually need to be placed back in the refiner's fire, but I am becoming a beautiful work of art thanks to my God and my Savior. This blog is not done, because every day I am converted to the Lord. I will continue to share struggles and successes on this road that still is leading me back to my Father in Heaven and to my Brother, Jesus Christ. But I did want to say how truly grateful I am for the miracle of the atonement of Jesus Christ. I kneel in amazement. I think about how Moses parted the red sea and I think, 'wow that's an amazing miracle...but guess what God did for ME! Now THAT'S a miracle!' It really is. There are those who might say, 'that's great that he could change his life around, but God and Jesus had nothing to do with it. It's just the story of a determined individual who made changes in his life and came out the other end a better man' and to them I would say, simply, 'you are wrong.' God and Jesus Christ had EVERYTHING to do with this change in my life. I could not be this person I am; I could not have made the necessary changes I needed to make; indeed I CAN NOT be anything without my God and my Lord. "Jesus saith unto him, 'I am the way, the truth and the life.' I love them. I need them. I praise them.


"...Seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds; and have put on the new man, which is renewed in the knowledge after the image of him that created him...put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering...and above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful."

I am so thankful for my God. I am thankful for Jesus. I am thankful even, for this long journey back; the good times, but also the hard times on this road. It has all made me who I am today and I look forward to the journey ahead!

Come What May, and Love it...

I got a text yesterday from the man who sets up appointments with my stake president. For those of you who don't know what that means...The stake president is the one who will receive a letter letting me know if God has found me worthy of baptism. So when I received a text yesterday asking if I could meet with the stake president...I had a momentary freak out. My letter has arrived. Now I just have to wait for a time when I can meet with my stake president to see what the letter says. God is teaching me (but more-so teaching my mother) patience because it would be nice to know right this second what God has planned for me. Typing that (it would be nice to know right this second what God has planned for me) gets me thinking...wouldn't that be nice if such was the always the way. If, all of the time, we knew what God had planned for us right this second. Thomas S. Monson said, "Our problem is that we often expect instantaneous solutions to such challenges, forgetting that frequently the heavenly virtue of patience is required." I feel good in my heart. I feel...patient. I'm okay to wait for a few more minutes, or hours, or days, to see what God would have me do. I've been waiting years to see what God would have me do, so I can keep waiting. I'm becoming rather good at it! I'm so very glad that God will never rush us into anything. He lets us be patient so that we can have a more fulfilling experience. Had I been rushed into baptism, rushed through repentance, rushed into marriage, rushed into having children I would not have had any experience that was worthwhile. Because of my having to wait to get baptized, I have grown in every aspect of my testimony. because my repentance took time, (and still continues to be a daily aspect of my life) it means more to me once I'm completely forgiven. because I've had to wait to get married, I have found my relationships with others are deeper and more meaningful and I've been able to really focus on what I want in a future spouse and focus on what I need to do to become that future spouse myself. Because I've been having to wait for children of my own, I feel strongly that these children will be loved dearly and appreciated every minute of the day because of how long it took for me to receive them! And I've also learned parenting skills from my sisters that can help me be more ahead as a parent than having just rushed into having children. So, I'm grateful that God is teaching me patience because anything that is worth having takes time. So, what are my thoughts? Am I nervous? Am I going to be disappointed if I have to continue to wait?

I am actually not nervous at all. I fasted and prayed for peace and to feel okay with whatever God's answer to me is. And I feel that peace. And I know where that peace comes from, "Now the Lord of peace himself give you peace always by all means." (2 Thessalonians 3:16) I don't worry about my future. As long as I am striving to do what God asks me to do, He's got me in His hands and He will do as He sees fit to do with me, but I know whatever He sees fit to do with me, it will be great! It will make me happy and make those around me happy!

Either God will say, "okay, you're ready!" and I will get baptized, marry the most wonderful girl in the world, have children and live happily ever after (that is attainable, Happy Ever After is actually possible with God) Or God will say, "you still need to wait. Give it another year." and I will wait another year, get baptized, marry the most wonderful girl in the world, have children, and live happily ever after. The outcome, with God, is always going to be the same, I WILL be baptized into Christ's church. I WILL be married to a pure, righteous, beautiful daughter of God. I WILL have children. I WILL live happily ever after. God has promised these blessings to me and I WILL receive them, I may just have to be patient, but I WILL get there.


"Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.

For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand."

Count Your Many Blessings... (alternative title: I'm working on that...)

I had originally started a different post today, but was interrupted by two of the cutest girls in my life. I was a little agitated, because I wanted to get this post written and then take a nap, but I also had had a really bad night last night and a tough morning and God said, 'you need to serve others and put them before yourself.' So I got off the computer and did puzzles with my one niece while the other one poked my ears and 'honked' my nose and said, 'ewww, so many boogers' and then laughed at her own hilarious joke. As I got on to finish this post, 7 hours later, I decided on a completely different topic. I was going to share my fears and my hardships of last night and of this morning, but all I'm going to say on that is that last night I had a lot of fear that filtered into this morning and I had to have a really honest, open conversation with God and had to ask Him for help. "I can't do this" was a main theme of my fears. I'm right, though. I can't do this. At least not on my own. Thankfully, I don't have to do this on my own. I have God and He has given me Christ. He's also given me a multitude of other blessings. (my nieces being two of those blessings) Spencer W. Kimball said, "Journals are a way of counting our blessings and of leaving an inventory of these blessings for our posterity.”  Since this blog is one of my journals, (in fact, it's one of the only ones I'm semi-good at keeping) It's hard to begin a list of blessings. I could name the obvious ones: a nice home to be in, food on the table, and clothes on my back, a car to drive, a job, money, food....I'm REAL thankful for food. But my list of blessings extends far beyond that. I don't JUST have a job. I have a job that I love going to. How many people can say that they love going into work. Even on those days when I don't really feel like going into work, I get inside and the smiles and the, "hey Brent"s that I get put me into a better mood and I wonder why I ever felt like not going into work.

I have been given an amazing family who loves me and who loves each other. I've heard of daughters who 'divorce' their parents, fathers who disown sons, brothers who fight over a grudge that neither of them can remember, and I think of how blessed I am to have a family who enjoys being around one another. Not just my direct family, but my extended family. I know people who haven't ever MET some of their cousins. I know all of mine and most of their children...I'm still working on that part. My uncle is my hero. My Grandma is my delight. My cousins each hold pieces of my heart. The support that my family gives to me is mind-blowing. It's humbling to know that not only do they take an interest in me, but they pray for me, fast for me, and fight for me. They love me and I only pray that I can love them as much.

I have been blessed with the most amazing group of friends. I really, and quite legitimately, don't understand them. I don't understand why they come visit me at work...some of them don't even like burgers! (I work at a burger place, for those who are confused) I don't understand why they pay close attention to little things I say and then remember to ask me about them later or they will remark about how they liked what I had said about something that I didn't even think anyone was listening to. (sometimes, I just like to hear myself talk, so it freaks me out when other people like to hear me talk as well) I have a group of 'bros' who don't care about my past or about my same-gender attraction; to them I'm just 'one of the bros' and I don't understand that! I sometimes feel like I'm SUPER awkward around them and I sometimes worry I'm going to say something 'gay' or slip up and show my true excitement for a movie musical that will make them all think, 'oooookay, so who's gonna tell him not to be seen around us anymore?' But then I spend a few minutes around them and I feel so loved and accepted that those fears go away (most times...still working on that) I have one friend that is so dear to me that it makes my heart ache with joy that she is in my life. Her laugh is pretty much my number one favorite sound in the world. She cares so deeply for everyone in her life and is such a good friend to everyone that it makes me feel like the worst friend ever! I look to her as my example of how to be a good friend. I look to all of this group as my example of how to be a true friend.

I have been blessed with one truly, very special friend. I'm preeeeetttty sure most people know who I'm talking about. She doesn't care about who I was; only who I am now and more importantly who I'm becoming. I miss her when she is not around. She brings peace to my soul and clarity to my confusion. I only have to be around her for about 6 seconds for all of my fears to completely go away. She's beautiful and I'm not just talking about looks (she got a haircut that is super foxy) but her entire being is beautiful. Her soul and spirit is so attractive. She continues to restore my faith in people and is making it seem okay for me to maybe trust in someone. When so many others have left, she remains (and I really don't know why.) I'm just waiting for the day when I say something stupid or when I do something that is going to be too much for her to handle and she will walk away and leave me. So far, that hasn't happened yet and I keep praying it won't because I need her too much. I love her and have been blessed to have her in my life.

Some other things I've been blessed with. I've been blessed with tests in my life. Tests that have made me, and even those around me, better people. I'm blessed to have a love for everyone. I really love everyone. Having said this...I recently have started feeling anger towards some people. It's new and I don't like it. I've never felt this way and I'm working on finding that innate love that I used to have for everyone. That has always been a talent God has blessed me with and it is something I fear I'm losing. I've been jaded by past experiences that have left me wondering if it's even worth it to love people if they just let you down or leave your life. I'm learning that some people were only meant to be in your life for a certain amount of time to teach you something or for you to teach them something and once that lesson has been learned, they move on, but leave those imprints and those lessons in your life and you or they are a better person because of it. (You can start singing 'For Good' now...I'll wait...)  I'm learning that I need to forgive those people for not loving me in the way that I wanted to be loved. I know that sounds weird, conceded, awful, or unfair and maybe it's confusing and doesn't even make sense to you. But I need to realize that everyone has weaknesses and that everyone needs forgiveness. I need it, so I must be willing to show it to others. I've spent too much time being angry with those who don't show as much love as I wanted them to or who aren't there as much as I'd like them to be or who don't text me back right away! I'm realizing, by now having friends who are absolutely crazy about me, that I'M that bad friend to them! I don't text them back right away! I don't show them nearly as much love as they show me. I'm getting off topic, but I just wanted to express this for those of you who read, "I'm blessed to have a love for everyone" and say to me, via the computer screen, 'yea, love for everyone except me!!!' I hope no one is yelling that at the computer, but if you are...I'm so sorry I am not a better friend and that I don't love you in the way that you would like me to....I'm working on that, too.

I'm blessed to have same-gender attraction. I know...this one's a hard one to say. But the blessings that have come out of this adversity are so many. My heart hurts so much for those brothers and sisters who have this in their life. But here are maybe some blessings that you can recognize because of your same-gender attraction as well. Because of my same-gender attraction, I have a more understanding heart. I'd like to think I'm less judgmental (although I think that comes from having such a terrible past and becoming such a better person through Jesus Christ, that I see a smoker, or a cutter, a junkie, or a 'homo' and I just see the future father, teacher, artist, or the comedian, or I simply see the beautiful girl, or the caring friend) My family's life has been blessed because we've grown even closer. My relationship with my parents is so much stronger. Bishops and Stake Presidents have a whole new understanding of what it means to be gay and have a testimony of Jesus Christ, because of this.

I am blessed to have suffered loss. Loss of my friend when I was 8, loss of my grandfather when I was 16, loss of friends, and recently lost loves. I'm blessed because I didn't die. I'm blessed because my world still went on when I thought it couldn't possibly do so. I'm blessed with knowledge and strength and experience that I wouldn't trade for anything.

I'm blessed to have rain! I LOVE the rain. I love the sunshine that makes bright red tomatoes. I'm blessed to have sight so that I can see the bright red tomatoes. I love looking out the window and watching the peaceful snow fall to the ground. I love standing outside while the snow is falling and hearing absolute silence. The world gets somehow quieter when the snow is falling. I love standing out in a rain storm and hearing it beat upon the ground and feeling it beat upon my face is one of my favorite feelings. I love being able to hear the rain. I'm blessed with hearing! I'm blessed with legs to stand on and a body that works. I'm blessed to have a body. It's amazing. I don't have a six-pack or slim waist (I'm working on that, too...lots of things to work on) but when I get sick, I can go to sleep and my amazing body can heal itself....seriously...it heals itself! I can't even begin to go into how amazing the female body is and how it reshapes itself during and after pregnancy is...creepy, but also fascinating!
I have so very many more blessing in my life. I'm blessed to have a Father in Heaven that I can talk to whenever I want and I know He will listen to me and love me. I'm blessed with Jesus Christ in my life. He comforts me, he walks with me, and I swear I can feel his arms holding me sometimes when I'm so very low.
Can you all just take some time and look at the blessings in your life? You don't even have to believe in God, even though He believes in you. You just have to look around and think, "wow, I'm so thankful that I have a working, healthy body. I'm so thankful that I have a car to drive me wherever I want. I'm glad I have food to eat tonight." Henry B. Eyring has suggested even starting a gratitude journal. He says,
"As you start to write, you could ask yourself, “How did God bless me and those I love today?” If you do that often enough and with faith, you will find yourself remembering blessings. And sometimes you will have gifts brought to your mind that you failed to notice during the day but that you will then know were a touch of God’s hand in your life.

I pray that we may make a continuing effort in faith to recognize, remember, and give thanks for what our Heavenly Father and our Savior have done and are doing to open the way home to Them."

I pray for the same thing for each of you, my friends. I love you and am blessed to have you in my life!