Beware of Pride

A few weeks ago, I learned a valuable lesson. I came to realize that pride is, arguably, the most prevalent and most difficult sin. People talk of the seven deadly sins, but pride; pride is the deadliest. There is not one person out there who has not dealt with the ugly sin of pride sometimes even on a daily basis. Pride is so hard to recognize and I think that may be one reason that it is everywhere. There are many forms of pride, but one that I want to talk about, and one that I think the other forms of pride can stem from, is enmity towards God. I've read recently that pride is essentially competitive in nature. One of the definitions of enmity is "a state of opposition to" so when we have enmity towards God, we are in opposition to God. We are putting our will in competition with God's will. I learned this lesson, as I said, a few weeks ago. I have been struggling with something for a very long time and I, for whatever reason, let it get the best of me. I became depressed and in a way that I haven't felt in a long time. I could not see the positive in situations. I could not think about getting out of bed, but I forced myself and just making it through the day was a battle. The reason? I became bitter. I decided that I was too stubborn. I was praying to God one night and I actually said, in my prayer, "Okay, Father. Here's what I would LIKE to do. I would LIKE to get out of bed tomorrow with a lot of energy, get out of bed and study my scriptures (not just read, but STUDY them) then exercise and then go walk around outside the temple and then give service or basically just finish out the day following Christ's example. Here's what I'm GOING to do tomorrow, however. I'm going to ooze out of bed at noon, eat some cereal and watch youtube videos for about 3 hours, take a nap, scroll down Pinterest until I have to go to work, go to work, come home, watch Netflix and scroll down Facebook until 2 AM and then go to bed. Why? Because I'm not strong enough to do what I'd LIKE to do, so I will just do what I usually do. Amen" Worst. Prayer. Ever. I think I was just angry. I was angry at myself for not doing more or being more. I was also angry because God has given me so much and given me so many opportunities to do more and I was essentially saying, "thanks, but no thanks. I'll just be content to do the very minimal, if that" I also stopped asking for things in my prayers because I felt that I didn't deserve anything and that if I asked for something, I would receive an answer, but do nothing with that answer, if that makes sense. For example, I would ask for help with keeping my mind clean and focused on uplifting things, but then when the prompting would come to turn off a show that I "love" I wouldn't turn off that show, EVEN though I had JUST asked for help, I denied that help when it came. So much pride. The obvious pride came from the fact that I would not listen to God and follow what He prompted me to do because, you know, CLEARLY I know better than God does, right? But here's why pride is so tricky. It disguises itself as false humility. "I feel bad that God is doing so much for me (which is true, and recognizing His kindness is a good thing) and I'm not doing enough in return, therefore I can't ask God for more things because that is just rude." (which is not what God wants. He wants you to include Him in all aspects and ask Him for His advice and for things) But it depends on what you are asking God for. Asking God for help is NEVER a bad thing. I was too proud to ask for help. True humility came when I knelt down and asked, first for forgiveness for being such a bitter jerk, but second, when I asked for help, knowing that God does more for me than I can ever do for myself. I wouldn't recommend it, but going 2 weeks without asking God for anything is awful. Again, it depends on what you are asking God for. "God, I need a lot of money, if you could make that happen, it would be great, thanks" or, "God, I want that cute vest I saw at the mall today, can you get it for me?" Even asking for good things, without putting in the effort is still an ineffective prayer, "Father, I need guidance and I need help with patience," and then 2 minutes later you are flipping off the driver in front of you for going too slow instead of recognizing the opportunity to have patience that God is giving you. This is your answer to a prayer and how did you respond to that? Not asking for anything is prideful. It's prideful because I felt like, 'well, I'm not going to listen to God's answers anyways and I would feel rude asking for things, when I know I'm not going to listen anyways, so I'm just not going to ask for anything and that way I won't hurt God when I don't follow the answers I get from Him" How illogical. Where does that leave me: alone. It leaves me to fend for myself which is so very prideful. I can do it, I make the rules, I make decisions, I, I, I. I didn't realize that I was putting my will in competition with God's will. The best thing to do is to pray for help and then FOLLOW what God says to do! And yes, that is hard to do, because we have so many things pulling for our attention and the second we watch that PG-13 movie that we wanted to watch instead of spending time with a friend who may need our help, that is when we show pride. Set aside pride and do something that might be uncomfortable to you, but it is what God has asked (go to lunch with your friend) instead of doing what is comfortable but will have no real value to you. (stay inside and watch 'Orange is the New Black' on Netflix for 2 and a half hours)I'm pretty sure that at least two of the 12 steps in addiction recovery programs are to let go and let God and recognize that you have a problem. They deal directly with pride. They tell you that you are not the most important person, God is. You, of yourself, can do nothing, but with God, you can do anything. You can not do anything with pride in your heart. It is crippling. We know the obvious forms of pride (thinking you are better than others, thinking far too much of yourself and thinking you know everything or that you are freaking amazing) but can we see the subtle pride creeping into our lives? (not willing to say you are sorry because you feel like you've done nothing wrong? Thinking that your sins are too bad for Christ to heal you? Not saying thank you to either God for His chastisement, or to others for pointing out something you could do to solve a problem that maybe has worked for them, even if it didn't work for you?) A scary challenge for you is to pray for humbling experiences. You will receive them. Pray for help in recognizing pride in yourself and situations during the day where you were prideful. The irony is, God WILL show you situations where you are prideful, you just have to be HUMBLE enough to want to change in those times. It's great if I can pray for opportunities to be humble, but if later that day I'm asked to work late to help a co-worker who is not feeling well and I say no because, "I've worked just as hard as her, I deserve to go home and relax in front of the t.v." I can almost guarantee that the opportunities to find humility in my life will be given to me less and less. In every situation you are given, think "who is this serving? Is it serving me or is it serving God?" What's great is that sometimes it is both. It is serving you and God. And once you can see that, you will realize, probably slowly at first, that it's not sometimes, but all the time. God is ALWAYS serving your best interest. He is ALWAYS wanting you to be happy. You just mistake 'pleasure' for 'happiness'. Which is a concept I never really thought about before. I get to this place where I think, God doesn't want me to have fun or enjoy _____ (whatever ______ is.) Really, God is just teaching me a better way. I am still prideful. We all are. It's not something easy to get over. In summary, I have a very ridiculous, but true example of pride: I LOVE the song, 'Problem' by Ariana Grande. I love it. I love listening to it and I love dancing like an idiot to it whenever I get the chance. God has posed the question to me, multiple times, "Brent, what does this song do for you? Does it help you realize your infinite worth like the song 'Gold' by Britt Nicole? Does it make you want to go out and serve others like the song 'I could be the one' by Stacie Orrico inspires you to do? Do you feel good or uplifted when listening to it?" It's pretty embarrassing to analyze and realize that the only reason I like that song is for a couple of reasons. 1: Ariana Grande is gorgeous and her voice is like a thousand tiny angels flying from her vocal chords. (yes, God gave her a wonderful voice, but I guarantee you I am not thinking about Heavenly Father's gifts that he gives people when I am listening to her sing) This is, essentially, putting someone before God. I am kind of, in a small degree, worshiping her, not God when I'm listening to the song. 2:I like the song because I can blast in my car with the windows down and my sunglasses on and when I drive by people they will think 'Oh man, he's listening to that song with his sunglasses on and his windows down: what a cool guy' SOOOO embarrassing, but I have LITERALLY thought this. Pride. and 3: I like the beat. But why do I like the beat? This is where it gets hard and you have to REALLY analyze. What are you honestly thinking about? Seriously though: when you are watching "the office" what are you thinking about? Are you thinking, "I love my parents, I'm so blessed to have them in my life?" are you thinking "Wow, God really has given me such a beautiful world to live in" Perhaps you are thinking, "This is just like when Christ healed that blind man or when he told his disciples to come and follow him" In reality, you are probably thinking absolutely nothing. I'm being honest, you are probably not thinking about anything. That is why we (myself included!) like to 'relax' in front of the T.V. because we can shut down and do absolutely nothing. I give the example of that song and of that T.V. show because they are two things that I really enjoy. I'm prideful. I could be listening to, viewing, or participating in much more wholesome, worthwhile activities, but I don't. Because I love my song too much. Because I love my show too much. And I need to repent. I need to try harder. You can too. Try it this week. Go ahead. Try not listening to a song you really love...better yet: Analyze what T.V. show you are currently hooked on. Why do you like 'Pretty Little Liars?' Does 'Breaking Bad' teach me to serve others or am I really just thinking about nothing when I'm watching it? Try and get rid of a little bit of pride this week... and you know what, I'm going to not listen to 'Problem' once next week (can't say that this week because it's Tuesday and I've already listened to it at least four times) So, if you see me next week, go ahead, make me accountable for my pride. Keep me in check! And I'll humbly accept your loving advice on what YOU do in your life to keep pride away. Oh, and if you need me to keep you accountable for something, let me know. To close, let us look to the Savior, Jesus Christ, as our example in all things, but here in humility. Christ suffered and died for each of us. Would he rather have done something for himself? Had he been prideful, he might have. But we learn a great lesson from St. Matthew Chapter 26 and verse 39, "and he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt." Christ put God's will before his and Christ was blessed. Not with riches, not with popularity, but with God's gifts. We may not be blessed with popularity, money, or pleasures. That does not mean we won't be blessed with a clear mind, a greater love for a daughter, a mother, or a friend, a beautiful sunset or a quiet moment of peace. If we humble ourselves, we will receive all the blessings God would have for us to receive. I'm going to work on it, and I will pray for all of you out there who are working on it too, because I know how hard it is and I love you and want you each to be blessed as well.

"For whom the Lord loveth, he chasteneth.."

Okay. I really needed a chastening this week. For the past few days I've been feeling like I have been slipping. I looked at old photos of my 'past life' and felt the longing to go back. I've been falling back into habits that I once thought I was rid of and I even had the thought, "What's the point? Why are you still even trying at this point? Why do you still even care? Give up." I have felt the need to surrender to the gloom that has been building inside of me. I tried desperately this week to do anything to bring the spirit into my life. I think I went to Deseret Book 4 times this week just to feel like I was in a good place and to feel some sense of peace. I read messages from the prophets, I've sang hymns when feelings of gloom or temptation set in, I've tried talking myself up, "you're okay! You are an amazing person, and the devil just wants to make you feel sad so that he can say he has won. Keep fighting, you can do it!", I have tried to call people, I've tried buying things for myself and also for others in hopes that making someone else smile would make me feel better, I've even had to force a smile a few days this week because I was just so mad at myself and at my situation. Why? Why did I do all of these things? Why am I telling them to you now? It is not, however it may sound, to signify how wonderful I am or how much I think of others or how much good I do. (I actually tend to focus on how much BAD I do, rather than what good things I have done.) The reason I tried doing all of these things is because I love the Lord. I love my God and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I feel peace when I do what is right. I feel joy when I serve others and can forget about my own self for two seconds! I feel safety when I know that I am in places where I should be and when I am doing the things I know that I should be doing. I think I was just scared. I was scared this week. I don't like darkness. I've been there. I've been in places where it feels like the light of Christ has been all but snuffed out. I hated it. And I felt a little bit of that this week. Sadness can take a frighteningly speedy spiral downwards if it is not quickly recognized and corrected. The words of an ancient prophet from the Americas named Nephi come to my mind and have been the thoughts of my heart for the past few days, "O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins...." (1st book of Nephi; chapter 4 verses 17-19 I have been sad because I haven't been good enough. Because I haven't done enough and because my heart isn't in the right place. I can not go on. I can not keep fighting and I can not take another step. Nephi continues, "my heart groaneth because of my sins: nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; he hath led me through afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh...Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night time." Tonight, my parents and I watched 'Ephraim's rescue': a movie about pioneers who crossed plains and deserts and streams and rivers and snow and ice through unbelievable circumstances: losing loved ones, giving up all of their wealth and social status, succumbing to frost bite, being belittled and persecuted by men and women who should have been their brothers and sisters in the spirit. It was an amazing story and my mom commented that "it's been said that the pioneers would look at our day and think 'I couldn't do that' while we sit here and watch what the pioneers went through and think, 'I couldn't do that" and I explained what I had felt during the film and in watching the pioneers struggles. Part 1: The trials are different, but the test of faith is the same. There is an amazing story of a man who was involved in one of the handcart companies that had to pull all that they owned with them in a handcart many, many miles to get to their final destination. He said something that I have pondered all throughout the movie "I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up for I cannot pull the load through it..." Many years later, I still say the same thing. I tell myself, even this very week have I told myself, "I must give up for I cannot pull the load..." A few mornings this week I just wanted to stay in bed, fearing I could not face the day and fight another battle. My struggles are different than yours are. My struggles are different from the pioneers. But struggle is universally known and experienced by all. There seems to be an unending supply of heartaches and sorrows to go around; for everyone to face. Part 2: Hope comes through faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ and in Repentance and the cleansing effect of the Savior's love and his healing powers. There is one part in the movie 'Ephraim's Rescue' where a young man is given a blessing of health and comfort. He had given up his shoes because they were basically no longer shoes anymore and had walked in snow for so long that frostbite had set in and his feet were bloodied and blackened from the severity of the frostbite. Ephraim gives this young man a blessing and says something to the effect that, "even though they are black, your feet will work again" and the thought came to me of my life, my heart and my soul. "even though it is black, your soul will work again. Even though it was black, your heart will work again." I spent so much time in blackness and in darkness. I think that is what was getting to me this week was the memory of that darkness and I worried that I would go back to that. But what I didn't consider was the lesson God was trying to teach. In the book of Hebrews in the Bible we read, "For whom the Lord loveth, he chaseneth..." (Hebrews Chapter 12 verse 6) Job knew the meaning of these words. He lost everything and was told to curse God and die. But Job said, "I know that my redeemer liveth...he knoweth the way that I take:when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." (Job chapter 19 verse 25 and chapter 23 verse 10) My God loves me. He wants me to succeed. He wants me to learn and to grow. The only way I am going to learn and grow is if I can be tested. How can I ever know the peace that comes from doing what is right if I have not tasted of the fear and unsurety that comes from doing what is wrong. The only way that I know joy comes in serving others is because I've felt the unhappiness that comes when I am self-centered and self-serving. I feel safety in doing what is good and I know what safety feels like because I have witnessed for myself the very soul harrowing fear and terror that comes from not knowing if you are safe. It is truly dark and terrifying, but I experienced that terror and now...now I know what light and what happiness TRULY comes from being clean, following God, and listening to Christ! I can not describe how dark my life was but I also can not find words to describe how happy and blessed I am today. I had to say some major, "I'm sorry's" to my Heavenly Father for my pride and my selfishness this week! I forgot how blessed I am. I forgot how much God loves me. He loves me so much that He sends trials to me so that I can remember exactly how much He loves me. That might not make sense. But I felt pretty crappy this week and then God sent me that movie to remind me that, "Brent, you CAN go on, you can keep going and you can keep fighting." I quoted a man earlier and a story he told, he finishes his thought by saying, "...I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up for I cannot pull the load through it. I have gone to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me! I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the Angels of God were there. “Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No! Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company.” I can not pull the load...but I don't have to. Jesus has said, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (St. Matthew chapter 11 verses 28-30) Christ will pull your load. Let him help you. I can not do this life on my own; I just can't. Thankfully, I don't have to. My heart is turned, now, to a few particular souls (none of whom will read this, I am ALMOST sure...but the Lord works in mysterious ways so I can not say I am fully sure they will not read this)...my heart is turned to a few particular souls who I feel may not feel like they have the courage to come back to church. Maybe they don't want to come back to church, but maybe they just want to come back to the light and happiness that IS part of living the teachings of Christ. They are afraid. There is too much to give up and they have done too much and are in far too deep for them to ever change that around. I wish with all of my heart that I could divulge the amount of things that I "gave up" or the exact changes that I made in my life, but I can not go into detail. I won't because it pains me too much to think of the things I used to do. I will say a few things though: the day I received the warning voice of the Lord telling me I needed to repent and change my ways, I remember saying, "But how? I will have to leave my partner of 6 years. I will have to explain to all of my friends what I've done and I will lose friends. My partner and I have an apartment, where will he live? Where will I live? How can I afford it? What will my family and everyone close to me think? I will have to break my partner's poor heart. I can't do it. There's too much involved." I tell you with all truthfulness that God spoke to me. I did not see Him, but the words were clear, "Trust me." I broke my partner's heart. I changed my number so as to not receive any more texts from him. I shut down all sites that I used to frequent that had anything to do with same gender attraction and "dating" I shut down my Facebook to rid myself of all of the friends in my life who made me feel unclean, unhappy, and unChristian. I also shut down my Facebook so that I didn't have all of the memories of when I was so young and foolish and unholy. I gave up tea and coffee (I still sigh a little when I walk by the iced Starbucks vanilla coffee at Wal-Mart). I gave up R-rated movies (and actually have turned off a few PG-13 movies) I moved back in with my parents and at 28 years old, felt like one of those losers who lives in their parents basement until they are 35 and I was so worried about all of the social stereotypes associated with single, 30 somethings still living with their parents. I lost friends, a comfy home with happy memories of times spent with my best friend and partner, a pet who I still miss terribly and many more things. But what have I gained? I have true happiness. I have friends who make me smile and who make me laugh, not because of off-color jokes or irreverent talk but because they are uplifting and because they make me feel better that I am me and that it's okay to have standards of morality even if some of these friends don't fully understand ("wait...so...like you don't drink coffee at all? That's so weird, but whatever!" Haha) I lost some friends, but I got my family back. I had chosen, by my actions, to separate myself from my family. I could not feel clean or comfortable around them. Now I do...most of the time (still working on that sometimes) I gained 2 beautiful nieces and 2 very handsome nephews who mean more to me than any thing that used to hold importance to me in my old life. I have peace every Sunday when I listen to the hymns. I gained a relationship with my Father in Heaven that means more to me than any R-rated movie, unwholesome song lyric, coffee, foul language, or sexual relation could ever offer me. I smile so very much more than I used to and I gained clarity, love, comfort, hope, understanding, patience, and maybe 500 more things that I just can't think about right now because it's late and I should be in bed! But my point is...repent. Be brave and make that change. Choose to be happy again. Choose to come back home. It's so worth it. I know I didn't start off this post making it sound like it's worth it, but that is my very point. The reason I keep doing these good things even when it is hard and even when the world seems so much more "worth it" than being above the world and it's teachings; the reason is because what I have gained is so much more than what I have "given up" I would rather give up foul language than give up on being truly safe. I would rather give up an r-rated movie than give up one moment without the comfort of Christ. In "giving up" the "fun things" in life and in obeying the "rules" of the church, I have found more freedom and happiness than I ever thought would be possible. It is possible. I love you, my friends, please come back. I'll be here for you! And here are a few things that make me happy: my nieces and nephews, my good friends, standing in holy places like the temple, being modest in dress and in speech and in action, spending time with my dad and mom (I already put a picture of my mom up and this was all I could find of my dad and I! Haha)...and I was going to put a picture of food, but that happiness has always been happiness at ALL times of my life. :)

Finding Peace and Love in Christ.

I watched a movie last night about a girl who meets a guy and they fall in love. I don't know if you've ever seen that one, but...they end up together and spend the rest of their lives together and are blissfully happy together. I don't know why I do that to myself. Why I watch sappy, romantic comedies. I end up feeling like the funny best friend in the movie who is single and no one cares whether or not they end up with someone because they are just the funny friend. Just so you know, even the funny friend gets lonely sometimes. I felt particularly lonely last night. I don't know why that happens. It is not every day and it doesn't last too long, but sometimes I just get lonely. My mom always says, "if you ever feel lonely, talk to me! Call a friend to go do something! You have so many people who love you!" My mom is wonderful. And she's right, I do have a lot of love and support in my life. But when the dinner with friends is over, when the movie is over and my parents go to bed, when my shift ends at work and I go home, I still get into bed alone. I haven't kissed anyone (aside from my nieces and nephews, but that's different!) in a little under a year. I haven't been held in someone's arms in...I can't remember the last time, and Checkers, my build-a-bear turtle, was the last one that I hugged and cuddled with. I know it might sound stupid, but it really isn't to those of us who are dealing with it. I feel sorry for myself, but then I think of my grandmothers who both lost their husbands and have been alone for years. I think of those women whose husbands leave them and now they are alone and have to find courage to start over or finish this life alone. I think about all the other single people out there who worry that they are too picky or are too old or aren't pretty enough or might just never find that one person to love them and that they can love. On particularly rough nights, I do actually cry and then squeeze Checkers really tight and wait for the light of day to make things better. It always seems to be better in the morning; in the light. I think about Christ, the Light of the world. Who was with him in the end? When he was in Gethsemane suffering more than anyone can comprehend, his apostles (his friends) were asleep. Even His Father, God, let Christ suffer utterly alone. Being single and lonely, I feel for my grandmothers. I want to give all the widows a hug, a big hug and say "yea, this sucks, I know, but here's a hug to help you feel better for even 2 minutes." Christ says in St. John chapter 14; verse 18 "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you" And I believe that. Why would Christ, who also had to be alone, turn away the lonely? He will not; He knows how awful it is and how terrible it feels. He gives me hugs everyday. "yea, this sucks, I know, but here's a loving mother to help you feel better for 1 hour at lunch. Here's a great job with smiling, wonderful friends to help you feel better for 6 to 8 hours at work. Here's a friend to make you feel better for 2 minutes with an uplifting text message" God loves me and, through His son, Jesus Christ, He finds ways to make me feel not so alone. Okay, so I haven't been ROMANTICALLY kissed in a year, but I got to kiss my niece's cheeks and she didn't even mind...too much! Yea, I haven't been held in someone's arms physically. But I feel the arms of God's love envelop me and give me peace and strength to make it through another day. You know, there have been stories of strong men and women throughout history. Pioneers who crossed the plains and gave up everything they owned in hopes of a better tomorrow; ancestors who set sail in search of freedom of religion; and men and women who built up civilizations and places of worship where swamps and deserts once were. But I like to think of those powerful people of strength who still exist today. Men who quit their jobs or who are denied promotions because they simply refuse to smoke or drink with their associates after work; women who beat cancer or who have suffered through it with dignity and optimism until they were brought back to rest with their Father in Heaven; men who give up the chance for a seemingly happy relationship with another man so that they can follow God's plan for ETERNAL families and LASTING happiness with a wife and children (a wife and children who may not come in this life, but in the life after); and women who maintain strength after leaving an abusive relationship to start anew with their children hoping that they may one day find a man who will love them and their child and can look past the baggage of their past to a more wonderful future (even though that man may never come until much later in their life) We all have strength. I look to you in these situations and in each person I come into contact with as examples of faith, courage, hope, optimism, long suffering, and kindness. I'm so grateful that you have suffered too. "Is not this God's purpose in causing his children to suffer? He wants them to become more like himself. God has suffered far more than man ever did or ever will, and is therefore the great source of sympathy and consolation." (-Orson F. Whitney) I'm grateful because it lets me know that I'm not the only one; that there are those to whom I can go for advice, counsel, comforting, and love. My problem is I never do. If someone asks me if I'm okay, I will always say "yes." Always. Because I am okay...mostly. I'm prideful. I do not ask for help. I will not ask for help. There are many who are far worse off than I am who actually need the help and I'm fine. I can take care of myself. It's amazing how I can feel so lonely at times and yet still be so fiercely independent. I HATE asking for help or burdening others with my sad sob-story of "oh poor me, I can't do it." But God is chastening me every day! He reminds me all the time that I need HIS help. There are things I simply CAN NOT do alone; which drives me CRAZY!!! It's frustrating to not feel in control, but pride is a powerful tool of the adversary and I know that once I can learn to give control to God that I will have more peace and more happiness. He also reminds me, "hey, Brent, do you feel burdened when someone comes to you and asks you for help and do you feel like 'ugh, another sob story from so-and-so' when they come to you for advice or comfort? No? Well, then why in the world do you feel like everyone else feels that way about you?" Good point, Heavenly Father, good point. I still don't know why I do that. But friends and family, have patience with me. I'm stubborn, prideful, and terrible with asking for help, but I'm working on it! I love you, all of you and I thank you for making my life a little less lonely. :)

When men's hearts shall fail them...

I have been richly blessed. Last year, I made big changes in my life and there were trials and tears and there was joy and total happiness. Last year was a big year for me. This year has been harder. I think that one of Satan's most powerful weapons he has against us, or at least me, is to have us lose focus on the little things. Last year, I gave up coffee and tea, I stopped watching R-rated movies, and I left my partner. I went from praying once a year, to twice a day (often more than that) I went from never reading the scriptures (what kept me from reading was the guilt I felt from the truth; harsh to the unrepentant sinner, peaceful to the penitent seeker of forgiveness) to reading scripture every day. I worked on deleting contacts in my phone of all the boys I used to text when I was feeling lonely or when I needed a moment of sin back in my life. I got rid of certain apps on my phone (once they lead to excitement and pleasure, now they lead to pain and disgust) I got rid of any clothing that was immodest (and yes, men, you can wear immodest clothing too, not just women) or that took my mind to places it should not dwell. I asked my work for Sundays off so I could now attend a church I had long since lost a love for. So many big, life-altering decisions were made last year. I made all of these changes, keeping in mind that, as I did more and more to align myself with God, the less and less I would feel Satan's influence. This was an error in thinking. I've come to find out that as one aligns themselves more and more with God, the greater and harder the devil tries to get you back to where he was happy. We know that Satan "seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself." (Book of Mormon; 2 Nephi Chapter 2, verse 27) I didn't realize this however, until this year. Last year, with all the changes I was making I was feeling the influence of God and His spirit so much and that kept me going each day. Satan was strong. I had terror and I had fear that I can't explain. But I also had joy that I have never experienced before. So what does this have to do with focusing on the little things? I tell of my major changes to make a point. This year, I CONTINUE to try and read my scriptures every day. I STILL go to church on Sunday. I have yet to watch another R-rated movie. (though, I'm now realizing PG-13 movies can also be terribly uninspiring, filthy, and inappropriate) I have not had coffee or tea. (although I still can't walk by a Starbucks iced coffee without making a small frown and giving a tiny sigh of loss for my friend...I miss you sometimes, Starbucks.) In short, I haven't made any life-altering changes or decisions this year; and THAT is when Satan attacked me hard. It is hard to not be able to take sacrament with others at church. I want that cleansing, that only comes from Christ, every week. It's painful to watch children sing in church and wave to their parents and know that I am still waiting for my son to wave to me and my still-yet-to-materialize wife. I become so frustrated when a lesson is being taught and I want so much to participate and raise my hand. I want so much to speak in church and let others know of the great things that I have learned that week. I feel impressed to mention, at this point, that those who are not of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints...and, actually, even some who ARE of the LDS church... who may not understand "the rules." They may even think that the Mormon church is evil, restrictive, and controlling. I do not see it this way. I see this as a punishment. Not as a punishment of hate, but as a punishment with love. If a parent takes a child's doll away until they 'can say they are sorry for hitting your brother' or 'until you can appreciate your car, you may not drive it for a week' we don't say that the parent is evil, controlling, or hateful. Even though a teenager may say "YOU HATE ME!" when a parent takes their cell phone away as a punishment, the parent does not, and a good parent will NEVER, hate their own child. They are giving their child a chance to appreciate what they have and to work harder to get back that which was taken away or lost, due to the child's own disobedience. Similarly, and as hard as it is to deal with, I know that I lived a life that was against God's teachings and so God, not the church, placed certain restrictions on me, for the time being, so that I can appreciate the things in my life that I miss. Once I have proven to God that I am worthy to have those great things back in my life, He will restore those things to me and I will be even more happy. There are those who complain or reject a calling in the church, for whatever reason. I can't have a calling yet. I wish sometimes that they could switch places with me, "okay, you don't want to serve God in the calling He chose for you, let's take away your option to have ANY calling..." That approach would maybe be a bit too extreme. But my point is, don't ever take for granted your many blessings and opportunities that some of us have to go without in order so that we ALSO can appreciate our blessings once they return to us. In the midst of all of this frustration, Satan appears. "Brent, what's the point? You were happy before. Now you can't do anything you want to do and what are the blessings you are receiving? Do you have a wife? Can you go inside the temple? Can you do ANYTHING? What's the point?" Add to that the constant barrage of the world and it equals a really difficult situation. Last year, I made so many amazing and huge changes, this year, it seems like I have done nothing of worth or nothing amazing. This is Satan's tool. "I went to church today, but I didn't pay attention to ALL the talks that were given." "I didn't read my scriptures today; therefore my day was bad." I think that I got used to all the big changes last year so now, if I do anything of worth it doesn't seem to be making a big difference. I think it's also the fact that I don't see any progress. I am just doing the same thing every day and feeling like, even though it's not true, I am not getting any blessings for my "hard work." Then the thought also comes, "you are sooooo not working hard. If you REALLY wanted it, if you were REALLY working hard, then you would stop watching t.v. shows that talk about sex (even if The Office is really funny) you would listen to every prompting that God gives you, you would stop checking out guys and focus on the Savior 'at all times, in all things, and in all places' You just aren't trying hard enough." My weakness is my over thinking...of everything! Satan uses my over-active thinking against me and I end up over-thinking myself into a depression because I simply am never going to be good enough. What I, and maybe most of us, need to realize is that I (we) can not be perfect. Not in this life. I will never be able to follow ALL the commandments ALL the time. But I can be good enough. Because of Christ, I can be good enough. I will make mistakes. Some days I will make a lot more mistakes than others. The key is to remember that EVERYBODY makes mistakes. Everybody has those days (ugh...Hannah Montana) When I have a particularly hard day (or hard days like I have the past few days) I need to keep fighting, keep going, and keep moving forward. I need to remember my accomplishments and the things that the Lord has helped me do. I don't know how to do that quite yet and so I'm turning this to you, the reader. What things do you do to remember your worth? When you are feeling like "the only accomplishment I can have is getting out of bed this morning..and I don't want to do that," what else do you tell yourself or what things do you to do get yourself out of that "funk" and back on the path of happiness? Please let me know and I will share what has helped me. To close, one thing that does help me is having loved ones around me. I always feel inadequate, unimportant, and sinful. To have friends around that build me up and tell me how awesome I am is...well...great, but, quite frankly, very surprising. I don't ever see that in myself. If someone says, "Brent, you are so great!" I immediately think, "you must not know me very well then because I did _______________ yesterday" or "I can't believe that is true, when I know that I _________ earlier this week and if you knew that I did that, you wouldn't think I was so great anymore." But (and I HONESTLY don't mean to sound cocky or prideful here) the more that I hear from someone or someones how great I am....I kind of start to believe them. A small glimmer of hopeful thinking pops in saying "hmmm...maybe you are a kind person. Maybe you CAN be a good guy after all." I truly believe that love is one thing that gets me out of my funk. (and hugs are ALWAYS appropriate in my opinion soooo show some love!) So tell me, what helps you? What keeps you going? My life is hard, yes. So is everyone's. But God's love is real. He loves me, He knows me, He makes me smile, and He sends help when I'm not smiling. He is my friend and my joy and He is definitely one thing that keeps me going every day.

Healing

I was asked this week, as a recommended topic of study, to focus on the Savior and His power to heal. We know that in the Bible, Christ's ministry was filled with healing the sick, lame, mute, deaf, handicapped, possessed, and sometimes, even already deceased. As members of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, it is also known that God loves all of His children and afforded those in the ancient Americas the same blessings of having Christ with them as those in Jerusalem and it's surrounding areas were given the opportunity. During Christ's ministry, He told his disciples "other sheep I have, which are not of this fold: them also I must bring, and they shall hear my voice; and there shall be one fold, and one shepherd." (King James Bible: St. John, Chapter 10 verse 16) After Christ's death, He appeared to those in the Americas to allow all of God's children the opportunity to see Christ, to be in His presence as so many in Bethlehem, Jerusalem, and other such places were able to. The reason for this explanation is as a sort of precursor to the scripture that really struck me in the Book of Mormon. I suppose it makes more sense to get a sort of idea of what is happening when Christ says what He says. He has appeared to those in America and has taught them the doctrines that he taught his disciples such as the beattitudes, (blessed are the....) the commandments, and the general running of His church. He then tells them that He has to go and visit other sheep. (Book of Mormon: 3 Nephi, chapter 17 verse 5 and 6) "And it came to pass that when Jesus had thus spoken, he cast his eyes round about again on the multitude, and beheld they were in tears, and did look steadfastly upon him as if they would ask him to tarry a little longer with them. And he said unto them: Behold, my bowels are filled with compassion towards you." This next verse is the verse that hit me the most and that I wanted to share my thoughts on, "Have ye any that are sick among you? Bring them hither. Have you any that are lame, or blind, or halt, or maimed, or leprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will heal them, for I have compassion upon you; my bowels are filled with mercy." (Book of Mormon: 3 Nephi, Chapter 17 verse 7) I thought about Christ and His power to heal, and I thought, "He can heal each of these things, figuratively, in me." So I thought about each point and would like to share them with you. Any Sick I once had a very sick mind and my spirit suffered as a result. My mind and my actions were so saddening when I think back on them. Lame I can not walk on this road alone. I need Christ to heal me and be my crutches, so to speak. Only with His help can I take the steps needed to get back to God and to Christ. Blind In my previous life, I could not see what I was doing wrong. I was blinded by the many bad choices and many childish decisions that I made. I did not want to see that what I was doing was destroying me. Alternatively, I could not, and still find it a challenge to, see a bright and a hopeful future. One where I could have the things I wanted and still be spiritual and right with the Lord. With Christ's healing, I hope to have a renewed vision for my future. Halt The definition of halt is "a suspension of movement or activity..." This I know to be true for me. I can not move forward. My progress in this life has been suspended. My activity in the church of Jesus Christ has, indeed, been suspended. However, the definition goes on, "a suspension of movement or activity typically a temporary one" This gives me hope. I know that, while I can not participate as a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I know that it is because I need to get to the place of healing. I must be healed enough to live a life that is in line with Christ's teachings and I'm still working on that. But this inactivity and this suspension in movement is definitely a temporary thing that, with Christ's love, grace, and healing, can be put back into activity and movement soon. Maimed I have hurt myself with my actions. I hurt others with my lack of example and lack of the spirit. I am, now, a wounded individual with lots of scarring; some of which may never go away and may even be visible to others. Christ promises that He can heal that, too. And what comfort that brings. Lepers Yes even Leprosy. When I think of a leper, I think of one whom others are afraid to touch or get close to; one who doesn't fit in or belong; an outcast. Because of my mistakes, I gave up a life close to God and pushed many good people away. On my road back, I feel like my past has left me cast out. I don't know where I belong and I don't know how to get close to others or let others get close to me. I feel like, because of the choices I make and "if only that person really knew the things I did" that people would not want to be friends with me or would not want to be around me, not unlike a leper. Christ can heal this, too. He already is. I have found people who don't care what I did in the past, but rather care what my future holds and they want to be a part that helps me have that good future. People will say nice things to me or say something nice about me (that I usually don't believe) and I get the feeling that "okay, you might be able to fit in after all." The great thing that I forget about is that all of us have done stupid things. No one is perfect and if we are going to be mean to someone or shun someone because we feel like their mistakes are too awful, then we need to seriously step back and realize our own faults and mistakes too before cutting someone out of our lives for their mistakes. Withered This is an interesting definition of withered, "to lose the freshness of youth." Christ asks us to become as little children. I have lost, or had lost, that belief in Christ. My submission and humility were overshadowed by my stubbornness and my false sense of freedom "I can do what I want, the church can't tell me how to live." It is not the church telling us how to live, it is Christ telling how to live. And Christ is only offering one choice. He is telling us how to live a life that is happy and with true joy. I saw it as Christ telling me what to do and taking my freedom from me. Ironically, I was free to choose sadness. I chose bad influences, bad language, bad movies, bad music, and bad habits that, though I can't (nor do I want to) get into detail, all of these actions left me more trapped and more of a slave. So much for "freedom." I imagine a sad, old man; wrinkled with age and withered, spiritually, emotionally, and maybe even physically, from a life of sin and regret. Christ can heal me. He can heal all of us. We can have a new lease on life and find that "freshness of youth" that we forgot about so many terrible mistakes ago. Deaf Almost done, I promise. As with being blind, I closed my ears to words of caution and words of help. I also am deaf to the promptings of the spirit. Christ is actually in the process of healing that for me right now. As I listen more and more to the things that the spirit is telling me are good choices and prompting me to do (and I have a choice whether I want to do them or not) and when I choose those good things, I am able to hear more and more good things and make more and more good choices. Afflicted in any manner Last one. This sums it all up basically. Christ can heal ANYTHING. Emotional scarring, physical shortcomings or appetites, spiritual malnourishment, and mental exhaustion and unhappiness. Christ can heal it all. I can not fathom that and it is hard for me to understand the amazing scope of just how awesome that is that Christ can do that for EVERYONE, not just me. But it's pretty good to know that I have a physician on hand all the time who can heal me and I hope we all take comfort in knowing that no matter what our figurative illness may be, we can be made new and whole through Christ.

Stand in the Light...

"But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin." - Bible; 1 John chapter 1, verse 7. I only recently have begun to understand the light. I believe in opposition as a means of teaching us and to understand the light, one must understand the darkness. Think back on your life. Are you proud of every moment? Are there moments you regret? Are there moments you wish never happened? Are there times in your life when you couldn't breathe from laughing so hard? Are there times when you couldn't see from the tears of sadness, or tears of joy? I think it's safe to say that we all have been in desperate times. We have all had joyful and wonderful times. We have all been at that place where we are frightened by the person that we see staring back at us in the mirror or, in my case, by the person we are viewing in what feels like a very real out-of-body experience. I have had moments, on my road back, where the memory of those things I did in my past life are quite literally too much for me to handle and I have to pray, take a nap, or just cry until I couldn't feel anymore; until the fear and the pain went away. I have had times where I just had no idea what to do or where to go. It's not a good feeling. I don't need to tell you this, though. Each one of us can look at some point in our life with shame, fear, regret, or unhappiness. It would be foolish of us to think that we are always happy and that we all live perfect lives. My mom and dad have some friends that, to me, are the epitome of perfection. They couldn't be a more spiritual family if they tried. I often pattern my choices and the decisions I make based on the question "what would the Hyers do?" (I'm working on that whole "what would Jesus do" thing, but that is a perfection that is equally as difficult to live up to as this family's!) A few years back, this family lost a son. There life was no longer perfect. (though, I'm sure they will tell you that it was imperfect before) They had a trial and they had a time of darkness. I look at them now and they are still just as amazing as they have ever been; full of faith and love for God. I can not imagine the kind of strength, faith, and eternal perspective that this family must have had to have. The mother of this boy is a constant joy. She is happy, still full of faith, and lifts others up simply with her presence. My mother once asked her how she did it. "How can you be so full of joy with such hardships?" This mother said "it's because of the atonement." It's because of Christ. I thought I understood what that meant. I still don't fully understand it perfectly, but I'm grateful I get to learn more about it with every struggle that I have. I don't like to think of life as "why do bad things happen to good people?" I don't think that is how God sees it. I think God sees it as, "how can the good people gain more good?" We gain goodness through hard times. If we didn't feel the sting of sadness or the pain of unhappiness, we would never appreciate or value the joy from gladness or the peace from happiness. If you were given a test with all the answers, how much would you learn? I'm going to guess that it would be little to nothing. If we are given a test and then allowed to do it on our own we would learn a lot more. The great thing is, God doesn't put us here and then give us a test without first giving us knowledge to pass the test. Sometimes, though, the real knowledge isn't gained until after the test and that is the hardest thing to understand. I could not see a way out during my test. But the knowledge I have gained has helped me in any future exams to be given. Where does "the light" come into all of this? Christ is mentioned as being "the light" quite often in the scriptures. I have been able to apply this light so much more now. Here's how. (hopefully I can make sense. I don't know that you will read this and think "OH! Okay, I understand exactly what the light of Christ is now!" but hopefully I can get you started on learning more about it.) So, during this journey back into the church, I studied about Christ. Christ took upon him all of our sins. All of them. He has paid for them. He has taken care of them. The fact that he did that for someone so stupid and imperfect as me, is just overwhelming to think about. It's like owing your father a hundred dollars and your brother pays it to your dad for you and you don't have to pay it back. ever. All you have to do is love your brother (which is easy when he's done something that nice for you) and do your best. The amazing thing is, we all keep owing more and more to our father. One hundred dollars becomes five hundred because we bought something we couldn't afford or we bet on something that we thought was a sure thing and turned out being a mistake. That five hundred becomes a thousand dollars when we try and move out and buy a place well beyond what we can afford, but we think "It's okay, I have this all planned out and I will get the money later" and that never happens. We continue to make monetary mistakes; some big, most of them small but in great numbers, until the debt seems too high to ever repay. Our brother paid it already. I have the image of someone, sitting in a dark room, millions of dollars owing, and not a hope in sight and then getting a phone call from dad "son, don't worry about it, your brother took care of it." How much light would then be brought into that dark place. How much love would we have for our brother. Jesus took care of me. He, as close to literally as possible, picked me up and carried me out of that terrifying, hopeless, and dark place and set me on a path filled with light and endless possibilities. I owe him big time! All that Christ wants from me, all he wants from any of us, is to just walk in the light and not step back into that darkness again. It would be so foolish of us to go back into that dark room when there is a room filled with light, good friends, happy family members, and joyful times. Why on earth would we choose that dark room? Because we are human. And maybe because we feel like we deserve the dark room. We have lived in it for so long that it has become a place, the only place, we feel we belong or deserve. Don't do that to yourself! Please, please don't think that you are only as good as a darkened room. You have all the potential in the world to stand in the room, lighted by Christ, where all of the truly good things are. You belong there. "but I was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins...oh, thought I, that I could become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God...while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, I remembered one Jesus Christ...now as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me...and now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more. and oh, what joy and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain..." (Book of Mormon; Alma chapter 36 verses 12, 15, and 17-20) Christ is light and all that he gives is light. We can be lights as well: "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." (Bible; Matthew chapter 5 verse 16) You can be that light that others feed off of as one way out of the darkness, but you can only be a light for someone else if you understand the source of your light and the true source of all light: the Son.

"With a Little Help From my Friends"

This world can be a lonely place without friends. I'm a pretty independent person, but even I could use a friend every so often. I had a best friend once. We understood each other, we had fun, we laughed and we cried together. People would always say, "you two are so great together." I only saw the good things in my best friend, I never saw the bad. I saw the fun, the happy times, and the great qualities about my friend. My best friend was also my partner. When I made the decision to leave my partner, my heart ached. In my heart, I knew what I was doing was right; not only for me, but for him as well. I could not love him in the way he needed to be loved and he could not provide the necessary pieces that were needed in my life to make me whole and complete. Few may understand why I gave up a "perfect marriage" and a wonderful best friend for a life of celibacy and singularity. I can explain why, (missionaries for the church could explain it better) but I'm not going to in this or any other blog post. I may hint at reasons, but I will never fully explain, at least in this blog, the reasons why I can not be with another man in this or in the next life. The reason I will not explain why can be compared to an artist's picture. An artist may draw a beautiful and amazing picture and frame it for all to see. Many will look at his work of art and hate it. "I don't understand what you were trying to do here, but it looks awful." The artist can go on in lengthy detail the reasoning behind each brush stroke and pencil line, but if the skeptic has already decided they hate the work, they will listen to the artist with closed ears. As Christ once said, "Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you." (Matthew Chapter 7 verse 6) Suffice it to say, I lost my best friend, by my own choice. In making this choice I also gave up friendships that were made through association with my partner, I.E. his friends that became my friends. It was hard on me. Not because I felt lonely, because I did have my family, but because I had hurt other people. I hate hurting anyone. I want to help, always. Any time something is wrong in someone's life, I make it my personal mission to fix it. I feel despair when I can't fix a problem, especially if I'm the cause of that problem. I caused this problem. I hurt my best friend by cutting him out of my life. I hurt others by no longer making contact with them. I didn't know what to do. That's when God opened my eyes and let me see some things I hadn't before. In trying to feel the pain that my partner must have felt at such a loss, I forgot my self. In trying to please everyone and lessen the blow and heal the sting that came from my choice to separate from my partner, I forgot about my own desires. God didn't. He remembered who I was, who I am, and what I needed. I needed a chance to bloom and grow. I needed a chance to take care of myself for once. I hate that. I hate doing things for myself. It is so hard to be happy when I know that others are not happy. But something interesting is that when you, yourself are not happy, it is almost quite impossible to make others happy. That was something that I learned. Something else that I learned; trials and problems are given to everyone, because that is what they need to help them grow. I can be around to help where I can, but sometimes, I can't help! Sometimes, God gives a person a test that they must learn the answers to for themselves without using others as a "cheat sheet" or by "looking off of their friend's answers." Then there is the other realization; sometimes the things you think are a problem, are normal to your friends. "oh my goodness, Sarah, you don't have cable television? I'm so sorry!" In response, "Oh actually Mary, I hate cable television and I'm able to spend a lot more time with my family when I don't have that distraction in my home." Sometimes we see things from a different point of view than our friends. I believe the last time that I spent with my "old friends" from my "old life" was July 4th of this year. It was awful. The day had been spent with my family and we had decided to use the church to accommodate our large family and some family friends. It was so much fun. We played cards, ate way too much food, and joked and talked. I had to leave early, because I promised my now-ex and some of our friends that I would spend the evening with them. (please refrain from judgements about hanging out with my ex. As I said, to help others, I put myself last and thought that it would be a good idea if we still remained friends.) I left my family and headed up to see my friends. I was there two minutes and my friend had thrown down about 37 curse words. At least 3 for every sentence. My other friend casually talked about sex and boys and breasts and alcohol and an array of other such topics. The icing on the top of this bitter cake; my ex brought "a friend" of his and they spent the rest of the evening kissing and cuddling. The cherry on top of the icing on top of the bitter cake did not come from the behavior of others, but my own behavior. I say it didn't come from the behavior of others, but that would be a lie. Truly, a lesson to be learned about friendships: you will feel right at home with your friends, but if your friends decide to make their home in the mud, you will not leave home without feeling dirty. In the two minutes I was there, I began viewing boys as objects and talking about them as such, my language became something atrocious and unintellectual, and my bitterness and my resentment and my spirit of contention became overwhelming. I left feeling low and of little worth. Who was that person? I didn't know him anymore. And I wasn't talking about my ex, I was talking about myself. Although, I didn't know my own friends either. I'm so grateful for this awful day. I'm so grateful that my spirit had, through being among the good influences of my home, become sensitive again. I was more offended at things that I would never have taken notice of before. I reflect on that evening and my very countenance, even now, changes. I become terribly sad and disgusted. These are the times when I need to remember and be so very grateful that Christ has suffered for my many sins and shortcomings so that I can be made clean and whole. I can, through His divine grace, be the person that I want to be and not that awful shell of a man that I can no longer recognize. Now for the positive. (sorry, long post, but stay with me a bit longer if you can!) I got home that night and prayed to my Father in Heaven for a friend. "Just one, please, just one good friend." God likes to bless me and He sends me far too many blessings than I ask for and it humbles me each time. God sent me a friend. He sent me many. He still sends them to me this day. Here are a few. I met Kiera at my work while I was still with my ex. We became good friends and I always enjoyed hanging out with her. During my separation from my husband I confided in Kiera the real reason behind my leaving my partner. I expressed my need to come back to church and she shared with me some very poignant and personal experiences from her life as well that touched me and were what I needed to hear so desperately at that time. I decided I would go to...well..It's called institute, but it's basically a scripture study class for young adults. Kiera said I could go with her to her institute and I agreed................ About a week before I prayed for a friend, Patrick returned from his two year mission for the church and came back to where I work. He had worked there before he left for his mission and when I heard that he was returning to work again I thought, "oh awesome, I think he was a pretty cool guy before he left, though I didn't know him very well." He returned and was just as cool as he was before he left. He was always positive and upbeat and, as cheesy as it sounds, made me want to be better and do better. So when I prayed for a friend, I kind of jokingly said to God, "Just one, please, just one good friend. Maybe someone like Patrick. Haha. Okay, amen." ........... back to institute. So Kiera said that I could go with her to her institute and I agreed. I sat down beside Kiera and felt super nervous to be in this class. Then I had this random thought at that very moment, "Patrick is going to be here." I turned around and at that moment Patrick walked through the door. He was excited to see both me and Kiera because we all worked together and that was fun for all of us to see each other outside of work. I had no idea that Patrick was going to be going that night to institute, but I think God knew that I needed a few friends in institute that night to make me feel more welcomed. Scott is hilarious. I met him at work and we connected over you-tube videos and video games. He would make me laugh at work and I always thought of him as quite the character. a little while after my prayer for a friend Scott and I were working on something together at work and we started talking. Moments between friends are important and should be treasured. I will simply say that some things that he mentioned to me as a means of help and insight into his life were so very much things that I needed to hear at that difficult time. I always saw him as a funny guy and still fall for all of his jokes and pranks every time, but I also know that he has a concern for me and a care for me that makes me feel like I have another person that I can rely on for strength. I could mention the many others and their impact: Elisa, Erin, Alison, Briana, Jesse; but the stories of their entrance into my life is more meaningful to me than it would ever be to you, the reader. I think it is more meaningful to me than it is even to those friends that have impacted me for good. 1 Samuel Chapter eighteen talks about Jonathan and David. "The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul." (1 Samuel Chapter 18 verse 1) In reading about these two friends I learn so much about what a true best friend can be. A true friend loves you as much as he loves himself. A true friend speaks kindly to and of you and makes you want to be a better person. A true friend never makes you compromise your beliefs or makes you feel ashamed of your love of things that are good and spiritual. A true friend helps you along your path, lighting the way and putting an arm around your shoulder when you don't know if you can do it anymore. Coming back to the Lord and the light can be a very lonely road. It can be scary. It can be confusing and it can be humiliating and embarrassing. But it can be made so much lighter when we have a friend to walk beside us. My best friend has come to be my Savior, Jesus Christ. He has walked the lonely road before I have and now walks hand in hand with me down my very long, uncomfortable, scary, and enlightening road. Christ also sends us others to help us along our road. These are our friends and they should be cherished. I hope that I can be that friend for someone, because I know how wonderful it to have that in my life. To all my current friends and to all those future friends I have yet to meet, thank you and I love you.