"With a Little Help From my Friends"

This world can be a lonely place without friends. I'm a pretty independent person, but even I could use a friend every so often. I had a best friend once. We understood each other, we had fun, we laughed and we cried together. People would always say, "you two are so great together." I only saw the good things in my best friend, I never saw the bad. I saw the fun, the happy times, and the great qualities about my friend. My best friend was also my partner. When I made the decision to leave my partner, my heart ached. In my heart, I knew what I was doing was right; not only for me, but for him as well. I could not love him in the way he needed to be loved and he could not provide the necessary pieces that were needed in my life to make me whole and complete. Few may understand why I gave up a "perfect marriage" and a wonderful best friend for a life of celibacy and singularity. I can explain why, (missionaries for the church could explain it better) but I'm not going to in this or any other blog post. I may hint at reasons, but I will never fully explain, at least in this blog, the reasons why I can not be with another man in this or in the next life. The reason I will not explain why can be compared to an artist's picture. An artist may draw a beautiful and amazing picture and frame it for all to see. Many will look at his work of art and hate it. "I don't understand what you were trying to do here, but it looks awful." The artist can go on in lengthy detail the reasoning behind each brush stroke and pencil line, but if the skeptic has already decided they hate the work, they will listen to the artist with closed ears. As Christ once said, "Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you." (Matthew Chapter 7 verse 6) Suffice it to say, I lost my best friend, by my own choice. In making this choice I also gave up friendships that were made through association with my partner, I.E. his friends that became my friends. It was hard on me. Not because I felt lonely, because I did have my family, but because I had hurt other people. I hate hurting anyone. I want to help, always. Any time something is wrong in someone's life, I make it my personal mission to fix it. I feel despair when I can't fix a problem, especially if I'm the cause of that problem. I caused this problem. I hurt my best friend by cutting him out of my life. I hurt others by no longer making contact with them. I didn't know what to do. That's when God opened my eyes and let me see some things I hadn't before. In trying to feel the pain that my partner must have felt at such a loss, I forgot my self. In trying to please everyone and lessen the blow and heal the sting that came from my choice to separate from my partner, I forgot about my own desires. God didn't. He remembered who I was, who I am, and what I needed. I needed a chance to bloom and grow. I needed a chance to take care of myself for once. I hate that. I hate doing things for myself. It is so hard to be happy when I know that others are not happy. But something interesting is that when you, yourself are not happy, it is almost quite impossible to make others happy. That was something that I learned. Something else that I learned; trials and problems are given to everyone, because that is what they need to help them grow. I can be around to help where I can, but sometimes, I can't help! Sometimes, God gives a person a test that they must learn the answers to for themselves without using others as a "cheat sheet" or by "looking off of their friend's answers." Then there is the other realization; sometimes the things you think are a problem, are normal to your friends. "oh my goodness, Sarah, you don't have cable television? I'm so sorry!" In response, "Oh actually Mary, I hate cable television and I'm able to spend a lot more time with my family when I don't have that distraction in my home." Sometimes we see things from a different point of view than our friends. I believe the last time that I spent with my "old friends" from my "old life" was July 4th of this year. It was awful. The day had been spent with my family and we had decided to use the church to accommodate our large family and some family friends. It was so much fun. We played cards, ate way too much food, and joked and talked. I had to leave early, because I promised my now-ex and some of our friends that I would spend the evening with them. (please refrain from judgements about hanging out with my ex. As I said, to help others, I put myself last and thought that it would be a good idea if we still remained friends.) I left my family and headed up to see my friends. I was there two minutes and my friend had thrown down about 37 curse words. At least 3 for every sentence. My other friend casually talked about sex and boys and breasts and alcohol and an array of other such topics. The icing on the top of this bitter cake; my ex brought "a friend" of his and they spent the rest of the evening kissing and cuddling. The cherry on top of the icing on top of the bitter cake did not come from the behavior of others, but my own behavior. I say it didn't come from the behavior of others, but that would be a lie. Truly, a lesson to be learned about friendships: you will feel right at home with your friends, but if your friends decide to make their home in the mud, you will not leave home without feeling dirty. In the two minutes I was there, I began viewing boys as objects and talking about them as such, my language became something atrocious and unintellectual, and my bitterness and my resentment and my spirit of contention became overwhelming. I left feeling low and of little worth. Who was that person? I didn't know him anymore. And I wasn't talking about my ex, I was talking about myself. Although, I didn't know my own friends either. I'm so grateful for this awful day. I'm so grateful that my spirit had, through being among the good influences of my home, become sensitive again. I was more offended at things that I would never have taken notice of before. I reflect on that evening and my very countenance, even now, changes. I become terribly sad and disgusted. These are the times when I need to remember and be so very grateful that Christ has suffered for my many sins and shortcomings so that I can be made clean and whole. I can, through His divine grace, be the person that I want to be and not that awful shell of a man that I can no longer recognize. Now for the positive. (sorry, long post, but stay with me a bit longer if you can!) I got home that night and prayed to my Father in Heaven for a friend. "Just one, please, just one good friend." God likes to bless me and He sends me far too many blessings than I ask for and it humbles me each time. God sent me a friend. He sent me many. He still sends them to me this day. Here are a few. I met Kiera at my work while I was still with my ex. We became good friends and I always enjoyed hanging out with her. During my separation from my husband I confided in Kiera the real reason behind my leaving my partner. I expressed my need to come back to church and she shared with me some very poignant and personal experiences from her life as well that touched me and were what I needed to hear so desperately at that time. I decided I would go to...well..It's called institute, but it's basically a scripture study class for young adults. Kiera said I could go with her to her institute and I agreed................ About a week before I prayed for a friend, Patrick returned from his two year mission for the church and came back to where I work. He had worked there before he left for his mission and when I heard that he was returning to work again I thought, "oh awesome, I think he was a pretty cool guy before he left, though I didn't know him very well." He returned and was just as cool as he was before he left. He was always positive and upbeat and, as cheesy as it sounds, made me want to be better and do better. So when I prayed for a friend, I kind of jokingly said to God, "Just one, please, just one good friend. Maybe someone like Patrick. Haha. Okay, amen." ........... back to institute. So Kiera said that I could go with her to her institute and I agreed. I sat down beside Kiera and felt super nervous to be in this class. Then I had this random thought at that very moment, "Patrick is going to be here." I turned around and at that moment Patrick walked through the door. He was excited to see both me and Kiera because we all worked together and that was fun for all of us to see each other outside of work. I had no idea that Patrick was going to be going that night to institute, but I think God knew that I needed a few friends in institute that night to make me feel more welcomed. Scott is hilarious. I met him at work and we connected over you-tube videos and video games. He would make me laugh at work and I always thought of him as quite the character. a little while after my prayer for a friend Scott and I were working on something together at work and we started talking. Moments between friends are important and should be treasured. I will simply say that some things that he mentioned to me as a means of help and insight into his life were so very much things that I needed to hear at that difficult time. I always saw him as a funny guy and still fall for all of his jokes and pranks every time, but I also know that he has a concern for me and a care for me that makes me feel like I have another person that I can rely on for strength. I could mention the many others and their impact: Elisa, Erin, Alison, Briana, Jesse; but the stories of their entrance into my life is more meaningful to me than it would ever be to you, the reader. I think it is more meaningful to me than it is even to those friends that have impacted me for good. 1 Samuel Chapter eighteen talks about Jonathan and David. "The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul." (1 Samuel Chapter 18 verse 1) In reading about these two friends I learn so much about what a true best friend can be. A true friend loves you as much as he loves himself. A true friend speaks kindly to and of you and makes you want to be a better person. A true friend never makes you compromise your beliefs or makes you feel ashamed of your love of things that are good and spiritual. A true friend helps you along your path, lighting the way and putting an arm around your shoulder when you don't know if you can do it anymore. Coming back to the Lord and the light can be a very lonely road. It can be scary. It can be confusing and it can be humiliating and embarrassing. But it can be made so much lighter when we have a friend to walk beside us. My best friend has come to be my Savior, Jesus Christ. He has walked the lonely road before I have and now walks hand in hand with me down my very long, uncomfortable, scary, and enlightening road. Christ also sends us others to help us along our road. These are our friends and they should be cherished. I hope that I can be that friend for someone, because I know how wonderful it to have that in my life. To all my current friends and to all those future friends I have yet to meet, thank you and I love you.