So I typed up a review of my year 2020 in January...then things got cray-cray...so here's that post:
Hey Everyone. So...2020 huh? Haha. You may or may not have
noticed that I just haven't posted much on either Instagram or on here. 2020
kind of sucked. There were some really hard times this year. There were also
some amazing and wonderful things that happened this year too.
I got to share some of my story at a North Star Conference
in March about coming out, living an openly gay lifestyle, changing gears and
repenting and coming back to church. I got to get my book out (Converted to the
Lord...it's on Amazon...go buy it...haha, okay enough plugging my book) and I
even got to sign a few copies! I hope it has been a source of help,
information, and maybe even joy for those of you who have read it.
My Grandmother died in March. I know I wasn't the best
grandson. I didn't take her to lunch as often as I should, I didn't call her as
much as I should have, and I didn't go visit her as much as I should have
either. I had an anxiety attack after she passed over the fact that I feel like
I'm not making her proud. These last few years, after I got rebaptized into the
Church of Jesus Christ, she would almost always take me aside at family
functions, hold my hands in hers and whisper "you know I prayed for you
every day that you would come back to church." So many others prayed for
me and fasted for me and put my name into the temple and I am so touched by
that, but at the same time, I just put so much pressure on myself to stay true
to the gospel, because everyone was, in a sense, “rooting for me” and I don’t
want all of those prayers and that fasting and support to have been in vain.
So, I got in my head about everything and that is always dangerous, because 90
percent of the time it leads to anxiety attacks, which it did in this case. So
I took a pill that helps me calm down and the next day I prayed and talked to
my parents and I felt better.
April was when Corona really got big. At work, I would come
in every day and it was something new. Starting today we are wearing masks.
Starting today we are no longer letting people get their own drinks. Starting
today we officially closed lobby and it’s only call-in orders or online orders.
Now the grillers have to wear masks. Now they don’t. It was just so crazy and
overwhelming at times. People became either very understanding and gave us tips
for keeping up the good work or, and more often, people became more irritable
and frustrated. One customer cursed me out and threatened to come back and slit
my throat because we couldn’t find her order (we did find it later. Someone in
her family had given us a different name to put it under.) So…that was uncalled
for I felt like. We also only had about 10 people at our store at that time,
which meant we worked with the same 6 or so people on a shift. So, we grew to
be more of a family, but that also meant we would be irritated with each other
more often. It was so hard, but we made it through and that is one of the
things I am so grateful for is that we never had to close during COVID and we
actually were MORE busy than we were before COVID.
June and July were hard months for me. I hate summer
anyways, it’s my least favorite season, but we weren’t able to go to
California, which I enjoy doing. It was also so hot at work and wearing a mask,
I felt like I was going to pass out! It is usually so hot out that I never leave
my house in the summer if I don’t have to, so not much changed there, it’s just
that other people who aren’t introverts (like my sister) were losing their
minds, because they couldn’t go anywhere or do anything.
From May to August I felt really depressed. I felt like I
had no purpose in my life. I basically felt like all I was doing was going into
work, coming home and eating, going to bed, and then doing the same thing the
next day. I saw NO future for me. I basically felt like “I have no children. I
am not married or dating anyone. I’m not getting romantic love, and no one is
interested in me. I’m fat, I’m balding, I’m old and I’m going to be living in
my sister’s basement for the rest of my pitiful existence. I felt like everyone
around me was moving up in life or #livingtheirbestlife and I was just stuck. I
honestly felt like “I’m just making it through. I’m surviving another day until
I die. And then, when I die, I’ll be sooo happy! I don’t want to kill myself,
because then I don’t go to the highest heaven and I can’t be with God (I was
taught that when I was younger and I’m not sure if that is a correct principle
or not, but I still didn’t want to kill myself and find out that it was a true
principle and now I can’t see God ever again.) But I also REALLY didn’t want to
live anymore. I had nothing to live for really. People who knew that I was
thinking this way (like my mother) said, “well, what about me!? Live for me! I
would be so sad if you left me!” but my mind was such that I thought. “well,
it’s selfish of my mom to guilt me into staying here just to make her happy.
What about my happiness? I want to die so then I can be happy. Don’t I deserve
happiness too?” It was a very dark and unhappy time.
August…I think it was August…Something amazing happened. I
was told about a job opening within the Mo’ Bettah’s company that I work for.
It was an opening for a company grill trainer. I LOVE grilling at work and my
boss, Tylar, had the amazing insight to tell Tami, the person over the training
team, about me and then told me that I should apply and interview for it. So I
did and… I got the position!! I got a promotion and perks and an opportunity to
do something I loved and teach others how to do something I loved. I really
don’t think that my bosses knew (because I didn’t really know at the time) how
much this position literally saved my life. Because of this new position, I
have been told by those I train how much they appreciate my help. I’ve been
told by store managers how valuable my instruction and training has been. I’ve
been given a purpose. I look forward to going to work (most days…some days I’m
still a bit tired and whine haha.) I’ve been able to open new store locations
and see teamwork and excitement on a new level. And I’m making more money so I
thought about maybe even being able to move out and get my own place. (I’m not
so sure on that anymore, but that’s later) Something else about having this new
position…I haven’t had a panic attack (that I can remember, knock on wood) in quite
a while.
September, I went down to St. George to open that location
and it was so fun and such an amazing experience! It was hard though (3 12 hour
days in a row and SEVERE dehydration) but it was so great overall!....Then I
came home. I went to go work in one of the stores on a Wednesday and at about 1:00
I started feeling kind of sore and a bit tired. So I went home early and got
home and took a nap. I woke up feeling terrible. Fever and shaking
uncontrollably, couldn’t breathe, coughing, headache, and cramping so bad in my
lower back I truly felt like I wanted to die to make the pain go away. So I
took some medicine that didn’t help much and Friday, I went to get tested for
COVID. The test came back positive. I went home and slept. The next 6 or so
days I laid on the floor, with a pillow between my legs to try and stop the
lower back pain and alternated Tylenol and Ibuprofen to keep from shivering
uncontrollably. I didn’t eat anything and then at night, I would lay down and
try to sleep…waking up every few hours to cough until my throat hurt and then
try and get more sleep. My dad went to the hospital because his symptoms were
so bad. My mom lost it. She was weak already from COVID, and so mentally she
became weak as well and was so scared that my dad was going to die that she slept…maybe
12 or so hours in about 4 days. I wanted to go to the hospital, but I felt like
I couldn’t leave my mom so I stayed home. My dad got out of the hospital and came
home finally. Later that night I began coughing so violently that I started
throwing up, so I went to the hospital. I was in there for four days and it was
awful, but it was also good because they were giving me medicine and oxygen to
help me breathe. I also couldn’t taste anything so that sucked.
I finally got out of the hospital but was still exhausted and
not breathing great. By Halloween I felt better (not 100% but better) I STILL
have a hard time breathing every so often and I still feel really exhausted
sometimes, but I am doing much better so that is good. As soon as the doctor
called and said that I was okay to go out in public again, I called and
scheduled an appointment to get my wisdom teeth out because they had been
hurting in St. George, but I never got to get them taken out because of CORONA.
So, I went in and got all four of my wisdom teeth out. I laid on the couch for
about 2 days and slept and “ate” mashed potatoes and applesauce. So, between
not eating anything during COVID and eating essentially a liquid diet due to
wisdom teeth removal, I lost a good amount of weight. I have since gained it
all back because the second I could start eating again…boy you bet I went and
started eating like I had never seen food before.
November we had Thanksgiving at our house, but were not able
to do black Friday shopping like we always do every year. That was a bummer and
my mom and I were pretty sad about it, but luckily Walmart still had a lot of
black Friday deals so my mom and I felt better about that. Haha.
Finally December came around about 47 years later. (Christmas
time started at about 10’o clock on Oct. 31st.) I had a good
birthday and a good Christmas. I didn’t thank anyone for the nice birthday
messages I got on my birthday and I didn’t mass text a bunch of people Merry
Christmas like I usually do. This year I have just…not been very social. Blame
it on COVID, but I just have not been as friendly, sociable, or as thoughtful
as I usually have been. I think it’s also a little bit of residual depression
that has been lingering around. December is a hard month for me, even though it
might not seem like it. THIS year’s December was harder than most. I’m alone.
Yes, I have friends, a good family who cares about me, relatives who are so fun
to be with, and co-workers who are so kind. But what I don’t have is someone
who lights up when they see me, and I for them. I don’t have someone to hold my
hand or play with my hair or scratch the back of my neck or my back. I don’t
have anyone to cuddle or kiss (my new year’s kiss was non existent at midnight
so I just kissed my giant stuffed sloth on the head which is terribly
depressing and also a bit weird.) and my mom and dad told me not to say never,
but I really feel like I will never kiss anyone ever again. I used to want
kids, but now I’m just old and tired and if I were to actually meet anyone who
could be a prospective baby maker, it would take dating and meeting the parents
and our first fight and getting engaged and getting married and then a
honeymoon and THEN maybe one child. By that time I’ll be 40 and if I want to
have any more than one child forget about it cuz I don’t want to be 65 at my
daughter’s first grade recital or 74 at my youngest son’s wedding. So I sit and
I think about this stuff and then get depressed and the fact that I turned 36
this year which is basically 63 in gay years and knowing that in four years I’m
going to be 40 is really, really depressing. I’m old. And I know everyone tries
to make me feel better by saying, “oh honey, that’s not old. I’m 62, now THAT’s
old” doesn’t help because 40 is still old. And a 40 year old single man is sad
(they even make movies about how sad that is) Something that does make me happy
is my job. Knowing that, even though I don’t have kids and I don’t have
anything to leave to this world…I can leave my knowledge of the grill to those
I train. Maybe they will remember me and my techniques I’ve shown them and
those can get passed down to others. Also, I may not have children, but I have
nieces and nephews and they are pretty great. I just get sad this time of year
thinking how I don’t have a wife to make family holiday traditions with. I sit
alone at the table with my parents, my sisters and their husbands, and I’m the
single guy. I’m sad I don’t have a wife who loves playing games and my sister
and her laugh over something funny that they saw on Instagram. I’m sad that I
don’t have a husband who takes me to meet his extended family and warns me
about his “Aunt Lisa who will get too drunk and start in on politics and will
yell at my great uncle Gus about his liberal agenda.” And I’ll laugh and he’ll
laugh and…yeah that’s not happening. So I do get sad about that. I got sad a
few days ago when I was figuring out my bills and looking at townhomes and
realizing that one month rent on a falling apart townhome in the middle of
Muderville is still 1,200 dollars a month and I can’t afford that because
everything is too freaking expensive. I get sad thinking about how I haven’t read
my scriptures in over a month. The last time I prayed was…Christmas eve I think
it was and the last time I felt the spirit…actually that was 2 weeks ago in
sacrament meeting when two violinists played a Christmas hymn and it was so
beautiful that I felt it spiritually and it was something I hadn’t felt in
months.
So…to summarize this short post haha. This year has been
rough. Even though it has been rough, there have still been miracles and
blessings and wonderful happy times too. But I don’t think that is exclusive to
the year 2020. I think that’s how life is. It’s rough, but it does have it’s
miracles, it’s blessings, and it’s wonderful happy times. So for this next
year, may we be able to get through the rough times. May you have a friend you
can call when you are sad. May you have a knowledge that you are beautiful,
even when you don’t feel beautiful. May you laugh and may you sigh with content
at least once a month is my hope and wish for you all in the new year.
My hopes for myself in the new year? Gosh…I hate doing that,
because it just seems like those hopes are as unrealistic as saying “I hope I
meet Tom Holland this year and I hope that he asks me to be his boyfriend.” But
here are my hopes and we’ll see how unrealistic they are:
I hope I can stop calling myself ugly…I hope that I can
someday be beautiful so that when I tell myself I’m not ugly, I’ll actually
believe it.
I hope I get a place of my own. To have something that I
worked hard for, that I can decorate myself, that I can have ownership over…would
make me so happy and proud.
I hope I can feel the spirit again someday. I hope I can
create in my home and in myself, a place of peace and reverence. I hope that I
can find more religion, not just in scripture and in prayer…but in nature, in music,
in people and in all the world around me.
I hope I can get to a place where I stop comparing myself to
everyone around me. Stop comparing my life with that of someone who has a wife
and children, thinking that having those two things negates any good thing I
have in my life. Stop comparing my intelligence to those who have a college
degree, who are engineers or architects or lawyers, who have a bachelor’s, a
master’s or a whatever else, because that leads to thoughts like, “see, they
are making money and have a nice house and nice things because they are smart.
If I wasn’t stupid, then I could be making good money and be having nice
things.”. Stop comparing my body with those I see in movies, musicians, or on
social media. (I saw a post from this guy today who posted a shirtless selfie
and talked about how proud he was that he was able to get this far in his
weight loss/ muscle mass journey and I immediately thought “see and he will
probably get a girlfriend or a boyfriend, because he’s hot. You will not
because…well…look at you…”
I hope I have more happy days. I hope I have more smiles and
laughs this year. But I also hope I can have peace; quiet moments of calm and relaxation.
Aaaaand I want a cat. One that will lick my hair and sleep
on my lap. 😊
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