So!? What happened!!?

So...whatever happened to that Brent guy? Did he get his "car" back? did he die? Is he still in Narnia? Well, here's the thing. I'm still here. Life has been completely crazy and I have started writing my new blog post many a time, but have never been able to commit myself to that much time. I mean, that x-box isn't going to play itself...anyways, here is part of my story that I wrote about 6 months ago..yeah..it's been that long, and then I will continue after it to update some more...



well, I needed to write this down so i could remember it, but i'm much faster at typing than at writing. Last Thursday (April 6, 2017) night I closed at work, so I went to bed at around 3 a.m. The next morning at about 8:30 I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize and because of that and the fact that I was dead tired, I didn't answer. Then I got another call immediately after from President Checketts (my stake president) so I decided THAT call I DID need to answer. He told me that Elder Craig Cook of the seventy wanted to meet with me and what time and day would work! So I ran into my parent's room and asked my mom what my schedule was like. She said Wednesday and The Stake President said he would call Elder Cook's assistant and see. He said, "okay, will 3:00 Wednesday work?" I worked until 2 that day so it would be pushing it, but this is not the kind of appointment you want to reschedule! So I said yes, humg up, and thought I would just figure something out. Then I remembered that my manager had adjusted my schedule so I checked Wednesday and it actually had been changed to 1:45 (tender mercy, my mom said) So I made sure to tell my boss, Eric, that I would need to be off at 1:30 for the single most important meeting of my life. I had to explain why and gave him my car analogy (it's on my blog.) So I left work, got home, showered, and headed with my parents down to Salt Lake. We picked up my Stake President down there because we needed him to get through church security. A legit security guard asked us for our names and we told him who we were there to meet with. He let us in and gave us a parking pass. We walked in and as we were walking in, the Stake President was telling me and showing me all of the apostle's cars. (a lot of them prefer highlanders...anyways) so then we walked in and Elder Bednar followed in behind us!!! He's shorter in person. He said hello to us and my mom said hello back. Then we talked to the receptionist who also got our names and told us that we were good to go. We walked down a hallway and took a left and nearly bumped into Elder Quentin Cook of the 12 apostles! That's when my Stake President said, 'I think we're in the wrong hall.' so we went back to the original hallway and took an elevator up and met Elder Cook's (seventy, not 12 apostle Cook) assistant. She then introduced us to Elder Cook. He was very soft spoken and super kind. My parents, my Stake President and I went into his office where he talked to us for a minute. He said that it was a highly unusual case for parents to come along, but that they got special approval from the first presidency for them to be there. (looking back...I think it was so my parents could have a spiritual experience and because of all the pain I had caused them and all of the pain that they had seen me go through, they needed that experience about as much as I did.) Then Elder Cook took me into another room that looked like a board room for meetings. Along the one wall were paintings. One of the Savior and the woman taken in adultery. One of a leper being healed by the Savior, another one with the woman with the issue of blood who touched Christ's robe. It meant something to me because I was one of those people. I was glad that these men of God met around this table, with these images to help remind them of the broken sinners or those who were not whole who were made whole by Christ and were given a second chance at life. So Elder Cook asked how I was feeling and I told him I was diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder and that if my words were choppy and all over the place it's because I was nervous. He said, 'this isn't supposed to be a scary thing, though it is a very important thing.' I also shared with him how I hoped that he could see my honesty. That is something I really am glad I have and that I try to be honest and genuine with everything i say. I didn't want him to think I was just saying a bunch of nice words or nice things that were all fluff and no substance. He asked me what I had learned from this long and challenging experience. That is always a hard question to answer because how can I explain all the tears and the fear and the change and the growth and the experiences i've been through the past 6 or 7 years in a few moments or words? i shared that basically everything was more. What I meant by that is that everything that I have gone through has strengthened my testimony. I have more compassion for others who struggle. I have more love for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I have more insight into what repentance truly is and what the process may take. Just more. Everything in my life was more because of the things I went through. He then asked some other questions and my Stake President came in to confirm some of the things that I has been saying. Then Elder Cook asked me, "do you feel you have been forgiven?" This was a really hard question. He said I could take some time to think about it while he and my stake president discussed some other things. So I went out to the lobby of his office and prayed. "God, Thou knowest me... God, You know that I am extremely hard on myself and I, of course, don't feel like I'm ready or that I am a good person who is clean and forgiven. I will probably tell them I need more time, but God....You know me better than I know me. Am I okay?" I didn't receive an answer...I thought about when I was deciding whether or not to serve a mission and I asked God if I should and received no answer. I remembered that in that situation, I had to decide, "okay, I'm going on a mission." and then I prayed to receive confirmation that my choice was good. Only then did I get a confirmation that was I was about to do was right. So I closed my eyes and said, "God, I think I have worked a lot to get here and I pray that I am forgiven and that I can look at myself as clean...that I can go before Elder Cook and tell him that I am ready to move forward. Is that okay?"
(that's as far as I got in my writing)


I then had the thought, "Brent, you could tell them you need more time, and then wait in fear for another unknown amount of time, suffering anxiety and unsurity. Or you could try and live the gospel as best you can and see if that works for you. I think it will." So I went back into the meeting room and Elder Cook asked, "so what are your thoughts?" and I told him what had just occurred in the lobby. I then told him, "I'm clean. I'm ready." He looked and me and said, 'I feel the same way. So does your stake president. With your confirmation, I think we are ready to bring you back into the church and fully restore all of your previous blessings." I finally got my "car" back! I began to cry and asked if I could give him a hug! He said yes and I cried and hugged him and then my stake president. We all went back into his office where my parents were, impatiently, waiting for the news. I told them and they both began to cry so I started crying again. I hugged them and then I sat down to receive all of my blessings back. I am choosing not to disclose information on how that process happens because it is quite sacred to me. I can say that there is just a strong, strong feeling of love. So for those of you who are inactive or are no longer with the church but feel a longing to come back, please come. You may think it is too scary or that people will be mad with you...and maybe some people will. Maybe some people will not be willing to forgive your actions while you were inactive from the church or when you were living against the church. But I can promise you with a 100 percent guarantee that God will never be angry with you. He loves you and will accept you with love and joy if you are willing to come to Him in sincerity.
One thing that was said to me by Elder Cook as I left was "every day is a new day." I love that. I have still tried to keep that in my mind, especially when I make mistakes, I still make them. I am human. Just by getting all of the blessings back that I had previously not had, does not mean that I am perfect. A lot has happened in the six months since. I will probably share some of them with you later, but I just want to say that the road I took to get to where I was on April 6, 2017 was not an easy one. It was not quick and it was not always pleasant, but it was WORTH IT. Please come back to church. Please repent and live each day new. You are clean every morning when you wake up and every night when you go to sleep if you will ask for forgiveness with real sincerity and keep trying to do good things. I love this church so much and am so grateful that this chapter of my life has come to a close. That does not mean that I am not going to continue to be converted to the Lord. I have to be converted again every day. You can too. I can try and help in any way I can, because I love you and want to see you happy as well, because we should all be happy!!

Press Forward, Endure to the end...

" And now, my beloved brethren, after ye have gotten into this strait and narrow path, I would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save.

Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life." (2 Nephi Chapter 31, verses 19 and 20) Well, everyone, it has been one year. I haven't posted anything in one year. I said on Facebook that I would explain why and this is something I've prayed about and feel that it can be shared, so long as it's not talked about in detail or at too much length. I had asked not to have any data on my phone or any internet on my computer, because of the awful and damaging effects of pornography. It became an addiction and, as with addictions, it had some very devastating effects on me. So, to keep myself strong and clean, I asked for no data and no internet. I hated that choice. But I am so grateful for that choice. It helped me to see that I can live a clean life and that one's addiction does not have to rule one's life and that I don't have to fear that I will never be clean from addiction, because I have had prolonged time of cleanliness and morality. (for more information, the LDS church has a lot of information on how to get help and where to go and I also love the website www.fightthenewdrug.org)

I decided, again with prayer, that I was ready for data and internet again and started slowly with very limited data on my phone. This post is not about pornography or about internet usage or about my phone,however. This post is about enduring to the end, and what happens AFTER I'm baptized.  

I like to use an analogy of a car. Let's say that a dad gets his son a new car (or a used car...whatever...a car) and he just GIVES him this car. That's pretty nice of that dad to do. Let's say the son gets in an accident because he was texting while driving. So, as punishment, his dad takes his phone and his car away until further notice. Clearly, this dad hates his son and doesn't want him to be happy right? Despite what the son or the son's friends tell him, this boy's father does not hate his son. He loves his son. He doesn't want his son to get hurt again and wants to be able to trust him with both his phone and his car. Clearly, the son is a terrible menace to society, an awful, lawless person who should never be allowed to drive ever again, right? Wrong again. Why do you think it's called a car accident. It was an accident! The son wasn't TRYING to destroy his own car and put others and himself in harm, he just made a mistake. He can still drive a car and use his phone, it's just got to be at a time when he can be trusted with them both. that doesn't mean he's NEVER going to get into another accident or that he's not going to possibly go too fast in a snow storm and veer off the road, only to be more cautious and get back on the road again.  

God gave me His gospel, His church, a knowledge of His Son, and all of the wonderful benefits that come with it (tithing, prayer, the temple, church callings, etc.) I got into an accident. So, my Father, as punishment, took away those gospel blessings from my life. Because He hates me and is a vengeful, angry God, right? No. God loves me. He just wants me to not hurt myself again. Until I can appreciate my 'phone' (the church) and my 'car' (all of the associated blessings) again, I can't use it for awhile. Does that mean I am an awful person and should never be trusted with God's blessings and His church ever again? No. Will I still 'drive too fast in a snow storm' (curse, hear a dirty joke, be short with someone, not read my scriptures one day) Yes. I will just have to be more cautious and get back on the road again. Last year, my Father decided to 'give me back my phone' first. I was rebaptized into the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints. I was then able to receive some of my original blessings back. I could represent the congregation by praying to God in behalf of all of us, I could have the Holy Ghost with me always to help guide me in my life all the time instead of feeling that feeling every once and awhile. Many other things that I can't share because they are personal to me happened. But I still didn't have my 'car.' A few days ago I received a call asking me if I could come in and meet with someone high up in my church to discuss receiving all of my former blessings. This means, that I could go back into the temple, give blessings to others in the name of God, and do some pretty important stuff. I could get my 'car' back. :) Much like the responsibility that comes to someone who gets their first car, this is a pretty big deal and there is much sobriety and much maturity that will come with these blessings being restored. I'm nervous. To say I have anxiety over this is an understatement. Some of you may know that I suffer from severe anxiety that has only recently become an ugly part of my life. Accompanying it are attacks. I didn't think those were real or that only crazy people had them. My sister said, "that's because nobody films themselves having an anxiety attack!" I have been blessed with a lot of feelings, but sometimes my feelings are too much for me to handle and they all come flooding in at one time. Anger, fear, resentment, hate, frustration, even love and concern and some happiness all come at me in one giant wave. I start breathing in and out rapidly, shaking occurs, I will punch walls, beds, pillows, the floor, or even myself in the head. If not contained, I will pass out from lack of oxygen. It's not real fun. I don't do it to get attention. I don't use it as an excuse to get out of hard things. I wish I didn't have it. To live in a constant fragile state of fear is not something I enjoy. I try and 'just be happy and calm down' like many suggest, but it's not that simple. I am still meeting with a therapist to go over these attacks and to stabilize my mood and medication helps with that as well. I worry about so many things, but this week what I'm worried about is that I'm not ready. I'm not ready to 'get my car back'. I'm not good enough or I haven't paid enough of a price. I still make too many mistakes. My heart is in it, but my body says, 'forget that, I'm gonna do what I want to do!!!' and then remorse and negative consequences inevitably follow. So Wednesday...I will just have to keep a prayer in my heart (and if y'all would like to do the same that would be spectacular) that my Father knows when I'm ready to get my 'car' back. He knows what I can handle even when I fear I can't handle it. Now that I have internet I will try and let you know more about how things are going, and of course, reach out on Facebook or texting and share your thoughts or concerns or anything with me. Some of you have and I enjoy being able to discuss shared feelings of inadequacies or struggles or feelings of God's love in your life or in mine.  I am just so grateful that I have a God in Heaven who knows me better than I know me. It brings peace to know that at least SOMEONE out there knows what the heaven is going on with me and my life and where I'm headed. So...that's it for today. We'll see what happens Wednesday!