Healing

I was asked this week, as a recommended topic of study, to focus on the Savior and His power to heal. We know that in the Bible, Christ's ministry was filled with healing the sick, lame, mute, deaf, handicapped, possessed, and sometimes, even already deceased. As members of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, it is also known that God loves all of His children and afforded those in the ancient Americas the same blessings of having Christ with them as those in Jerusalem and it's surrounding areas were given the opportunity. During Christ's ministry, He told his disciples "other sheep I have, which are not of this fold: them also I must bring, and they shall hear my voice; and there shall be one fold, and one shepherd." (King James Bible: St. John, Chapter 10 verse 16) After Christ's death, He appeared to those in the Americas to allow all of God's children the opportunity to see Christ, to be in His presence as so many in Bethlehem, Jerusalem, and other such places were able to. The reason for this explanation is as a sort of precursor to the scripture that really struck me in the Book of Mormon. I suppose it makes more sense to get a sort of idea of what is happening when Christ says what He says. He has appeared to those in America and has taught them the doctrines that he taught his disciples such as the beattitudes, (blessed are the....) the commandments, and the general running of His church. He then tells them that He has to go and visit other sheep. (Book of Mormon: 3 Nephi, chapter 17 verse 5 and 6) "And it came to pass that when Jesus had thus spoken, he cast his eyes round about again on the multitude, and beheld they were in tears, and did look steadfastly upon him as if they would ask him to tarry a little longer with them. And he said unto them: Behold, my bowels are filled with compassion towards you." This next verse is the verse that hit me the most and that I wanted to share my thoughts on, "Have ye any that are sick among you? Bring them hither. Have you any that are lame, or blind, or halt, or maimed, or leprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will heal them, for I have compassion upon you; my bowels are filled with mercy." (Book of Mormon: 3 Nephi, Chapter 17 verse 7) I thought about Christ and His power to heal, and I thought, "He can heal each of these things, figuratively, in me." So I thought about each point and would like to share them with you. Any Sick I once had a very sick mind and my spirit suffered as a result. My mind and my actions were so saddening when I think back on them. Lame I can not walk on this road alone. I need Christ to heal me and be my crutches, so to speak. Only with His help can I take the steps needed to get back to God and to Christ. Blind In my previous life, I could not see what I was doing wrong. I was blinded by the many bad choices and many childish decisions that I made. I did not want to see that what I was doing was destroying me. Alternatively, I could not, and still find it a challenge to, see a bright and a hopeful future. One where I could have the things I wanted and still be spiritual and right with the Lord. With Christ's healing, I hope to have a renewed vision for my future. Halt The definition of halt is "a suspension of movement or activity..." This I know to be true for me. I can not move forward. My progress in this life has been suspended. My activity in the church of Jesus Christ has, indeed, been suspended. However, the definition goes on, "a suspension of movement or activity typically a temporary one" This gives me hope. I know that, while I can not participate as a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I know that it is because I need to get to the place of healing. I must be healed enough to live a life that is in line with Christ's teachings and I'm still working on that. But this inactivity and this suspension in movement is definitely a temporary thing that, with Christ's love, grace, and healing, can be put back into activity and movement soon. Maimed I have hurt myself with my actions. I hurt others with my lack of example and lack of the spirit. I am, now, a wounded individual with lots of scarring; some of which may never go away and may even be visible to others. Christ promises that He can heal that, too. And what comfort that brings. Lepers Yes even Leprosy. When I think of a leper, I think of one whom others are afraid to touch or get close to; one who doesn't fit in or belong; an outcast. Because of my mistakes, I gave up a life close to God and pushed many good people away. On my road back, I feel like my past has left me cast out. I don't know where I belong and I don't know how to get close to others or let others get close to me. I feel like, because of the choices I make and "if only that person really knew the things I did" that people would not want to be friends with me or would not want to be around me, not unlike a leper. Christ can heal this, too. He already is. I have found people who don't care what I did in the past, but rather care what my future holds and they want to be a part that helps me have that good future. People will say nice things to me or say something nice about me (that I usually don't believe) and I get the feeling that "okay, you might be able to fit in after all." The great thing that I forget about is that all of us have done stupid things. No one is perfect and if we are going to be mean to someone or shun someone because we feel like their mistakes are too awful, then we need to seriously step back and realize our own faults and mistakes too before cutting someone out of our lives for their mistakes. Withered This is an interesting definition of withered, "to lose the freshness of youth." Christ asks us to become as little children. I have lost, or had lost, that belief in Christ. My submission and humility were overshadowed by my stubbornness and my false sense of freedom "I can do what I want, the church can't tell me how to live." It is not the church telling us how to live, it is Christ telling how to live. And Christ is only offering one choice. He is telling us how to live a life that is happy and with true joy. I saw it as Christ telling me what to do and taking my freedom from me. Ironically, I was free to choose sadness. I chose bad influences, bad language, bad movies, bad music, and bad habits that, though I can't (nor do I want to) get into detail, all of these actions left me more trapped and more of a slave. So much for "freedom." I imagine a sad, old man; wrinkled with age and withered, spiritually, emotionally, and maybe even physically, from a life of sin and regret. Christ can heal me. He can heal all of us. We can have a new lease on life and find that "freshness of youth" that we forgot about so many terrible mistakes ago. Deaf Almost done, I promise. As with being blind, I closed my ears to words of caution and words of help. I also am deaf to the promptings of the spirit. Christ is actually in the process of healing that for me right now. As I listen more and more to the things that the spirit is telling me are good choices and prompting me to do (and I have a choice whether I want to do them or not) and when I choose those good things, I am able to hear more and more good things and make more and more good choices. Afflicted in any manner Last one. This sums it all up basically. Christ can heal ANYTHING. Emotional scarring, physical shortcomings or appetites, spiritual malnourishment, and mental exhaustion and unhappiness. Christ can heal it all. I can not fathom that and it is hard for me to understand the amazing scope of just how awesome that is that Christ can do that for EVERYONE, not just me. But it's pretty good to know that I have a physician on hand all the time who can heal me and I hope we all take comfort in knowing that no matter what our figurative illness may be, we can be made new and whole through Christ.

Stand in the Light...

"But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin." - Bible; 1 John chapter 1, verse 7. I only recently have begun to understand the light. I believe in opposition as a means of teaching us and to understand the light, one must understand the darkness. Think back on your life. Are you proud of every moment? Are there moments you regret? Are there moments you wish never happened? Are there times in your life when you couldn't breathe from laughing so hard? Are there times when you couldn't see from the tears of sadness, or tears of joy? I think it's safe to say that we all have been in desperate times. We have all had joyful and wonderful times. We have all been at that place where we are frightened by the person that we see staring back at us in the mirror or, in my case, by the person we are viewing in what feels like a very real out-of-body experience. I have had moments, on my road back, where the memory of those things I did in my past life are quite literally too much for me to handle and I have to pray, take a nap, or just cry until I couldn't feel anymore; until the fear and the pain went away. I have had times where I just had no idea what to do or where to go. It's not a good feeling. I don't need to tell you this, though. Each one of us can look at some point in our life with shame, fear, regret, or unhappiness. It would be foolish of us to think that we are always happy and that we all live perfect lives. My mom and dad have some friends that, to me, are the epitome of perfection. They couldn't be a more spiritual family if they tried. I often pattern my choices and the decisions I make based on the question "what would the Hyers do?" (I'm working on that whole "what would Jesus do" thing, but that is a perfection that is equally as difficult to live up to as this family's!) A few years back, this family lost a son. There life was no longer perfect. (though, I'm sure they will tell you that it was imperfect before) They had a trial and they had a time of darkness. I look at them now and they are still just as amazing as they have ever been; full of faith and love for God. I can not imagine the kind of strength, faith, and eternal perspective that this family must have had to have. The mother of this boy is a constant joy. She is happy, still full of faith, and lifts others up simply with her presence. My mother once asked her how she did it. "How can you be so full of joy with such hardships?" This mother said "it's because of the atonement." It's because of Christ. I thought I understood what that meant. I still don't fully understand it perfectly, but I'm grateful I get to learn more about it with every struggle that I have. I don't like to think of life as "why do bad things happen to good people?" I don't think that is how God sees it. I think God sees it as, "how can the good people gain more good?" We gain goodness through hard times. If we didn't feel the sting of sadness or the pain of unhappiness, we would never appreciate or value the joy from gladness or the peace from happiness. If you were given a test with all the answers, how much would you learn? I'm going to guess that it would be little to nothing. If we are given a test and then allowed to do it on our own we would learn a lot more. The great thing is, God doesn't put us here and then give us a test without first giving us knowledge to pass the test. Sometimes, though, the real knowledge isn't gained until after the test and that is the hardest thing to understand. I could not see a way out during my test. But the knowledge I have gained has helped me in any future exams to be given. Where does "the light" come into all of this? Christ is mentioned as being "the light" quite often in the scriptures. I have been able to apply this light so much more now. Here's how. (hopefully I can make sense. I don't know that you will read this and think "OH! Okay, I understand exactly what the light of Christ is now!" but hopefully I can get you started on learning more about it.) So, during this journey back into the church, I studied about Christ. Christ took upon him all of our sins. All of them. He has paid for them. He has taken care of them. The fact that he did that for someone so stupid and imperfect as me, is just overwhelming to think about. It's like owing your father a hundred dollars and your brother pays it to your dad for you and you don't have to pay it back. ever. All you have to do is love your brother (which is easy when he's done something that nice for you) and do your best. The amazing thing is, we all keep owing more and more to our father. One hundred dollars becomes five hundred because we bought something we couldn't afford or we bet on something that we thought was a sure thing and turned out being a mistake. That five hundred becomes a thousand dollars when we try and move out and buy a place well beyond what we can afford, but we think "It's okay, I have this all planned out and I will get the money later" and that never happens. We continue to make monetary mistakes; some big, most of them small but in great numbers, until the debt seems too high to ever repay. Our brother paid it already. I have the image of someone, sitting in a dark room, millions of dollars owing, and not a hope in sight and then getting a phone call from dad "son, don't worry about it, your brother took care of it." How much light would then be brought into that dark place. How much love would we have for our brother. Jesus took care of me. He, as close to literally as possible, picked me up and carried me out of that terrifying, hopeless, and dark place and set me on a path filled with light and endless possibilities. I owe him big time! All that Christ wants from me, all he wants from any of us, is to just walk in the light and not step back into that darkness again. It would be so foolish of us to go back into that dark room when there is a room filled with light, good friends, happy family members, and joyful times. Why on earth would we choose that dark room? Because we are human. And maybe because we feel like we deserve the dark room. We have lived in it for so long that it has become a place, the only place, we feel we belong or deserve. Don't do that to yourself! Please, please don't think that you are only as good as a darkened room. You have all the potential in the world to stand in the room, lighted by Christ, where all of the truly good things are. You belong there. "but I was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins...oh, thought I, that I could become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God...while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, I remembered one Jesus Christ...now as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me...and now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more. and oh, what joy and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain..." (Book of Mormon; Alma chapter 36 verses 12, 15, and 17-20) Christ is light and all that he gives is light. We can be lights as well: "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." (Bible; Matthew chapter 5 verse 16) You can be that light that others feed off of as one way out of the darkness, but you can only be a light for someone else if you understand the source of your light and the true source of all light: the Son.

"With a Little Help From my Friends"

This world can be a lonely place without friends. I'm a pretty independent person, but even I could use a friend every so often. I had a best friend once. We understood each other, we had fun, we laughed and we cried together. People would always say, "you two are so great together." I only saw the good things in my best friend, I never saw the bad. I saw the fun, the happy times, and the great qualities about my friend. My best friend was also my partner. When I made the decision to leave my partner, my heart ached. In my heart, I knew what I was doing was right; not only for me, but for him as well. I could not love him in the way he needed to be loved and he could not provide the necessary pieces that were needed in my life to make me whole and complete. Few may understand why I gave up a "perfect marriage" and a wonderful best friend for a life of celibacy and singularity. I can explain why, (missionaries for the church could explain it better) but I'm not going to in this or any other blog post. I may hint at reasons, but I will never fully explain, at least in this blog, the reasons why I can not be with another man in this or in the next life. The reason I will not explain why can be compared to an artist's picture. An artist may draw a beautiful and amazing picture and frame it for all to see. Many will look at his work of art and hate it. "I don't understand what you were trying to do here, but it looks awful." The artist can go on in lengthy detail the reasoning behind each brush stroke and pencil line, but if the skeptic has already decided they hate the work, they will listen to the artist with closed ears. As Christ once said, "Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you." (Matthew Chapter 7 verse 6) Suffice it to say, I lost my best friend, by my own choice. In making this choice I also gave up friendships that were made through association with my partner, I.E. his friends that became my friends. It was hard on me. Not because I felt lonely, because I did have my family, but because I had hurt other people. I hate hurting anyone. I want to help, always. Any time something is wrong in someone's life, I make it my personal mission to fix it. I feel despair when I can't fix a problem, especially if I'm the cause of that problem. I caused this problem. I hurt my best friend by cutting him out of my life. I hurt others by no longer making contact with them. I didn't know what to do. That's when God opened my eyes and let me see some things I hadn't before. In trying to feel the pain that my partner must have felt at such a loss, I forgot my self. In trying to please everyone and lessen the blow and heal the sting that came from my choice to separate from my partner, I forgot about my own desires. God didn't. He remembered who I was, who I am, and what I needed. I needed a chance to bloom and grow. I needed a chance to take care of myself for once. I hate that. I hate doing things for myself. It is so hard to be happy when I know that others are not happy. But something interesting is that when you, yourself are not happy, it is almost quite impossible to make others happy. That was something that I learned. Something else that I learned; trials and problems are given to everyone, because that is what they need to help them grow. I can be around to help where I can, but sometimes, I can't help! Sometimes, God gives a person a test that they must learn the answers to for themselves without using others as a "cheat sheet" or by "looking off of their friend's answers." Then there is the other realization; sometimes the things you think are a problem, are normal to your friends. "oh my goodness, Sarah, you don't have cable television? I'm so sorry!" In response, "Oh actually Mary, I hate cable television and I'm able to spend a lot more time with my family when I don't have that distraction in my home." Sometimes we see things from a different point of view than our friends. I believe the last time that I spent with my "old friends" from my "old life" was July 4th of this year. It was awful. The day had been spent with my family and we had decided to use the church to accommodate our large family and some family friends. It was so much fun. We played cards, ate way too much food, and joked and talked. I had to leave early, because I promised my now-ex and some of our friends that I would spend the evening with them. (please refrain from judgements about hanging out with my ex. As I said, to help others, I put myself last and thought that it would be a good idea if we still remained friends.) I left my family and headed up to see my friends. I was there two minutes and my friend had thrown down about 37 curse words. At least 3 for every sentence. My other friend casually talked about sex and boys and breasts and alcohol and an array of other such topics. The icing on the top of this bitter cake; my ex brought "a friend" of his and they spent the rest of the evening kissing and cuddling. The cherry on top of the icing on top of the bitter cake did not come from the behavior of others, but my own behavior. I say it didn't come from the behavior of others, but that would be a lie. Truly, a lesson to be learned about friendships: you will feel right at home with your friends, but if your friends decide to make their home in the mud, you will not leave home without feeling dirty. In the two minutes I was there, I began viewing boys as objects and talking about them as such, my language became something atrocious and unintellectual, and my bitterness and my resentment and my spirit of contention became overwhelming. I left feeling low and of little worth. Who was that person? I didn't know him anymore. And I wasn't talking about my ex, I was talking about myself. Although, I didn't know my own friends either. I'm so grateful for this awful day. I'm so grateful that my spirit had, through being among the good influences of my home, become sensitive again. I was more offended at things that I would never have taken notice of before. I reflect on that evening and my very countenance, even now, changes. I become terribly sad and disgusted. These are the times when I need to remember and be so very grateful that Christ has suffered for my many sins and shortcomings so that I can be made clean and whole. I can, through His divine grace, be the person that I want to be and not that awful shell of a man that I can no longer recognize. Now for the positive. (sorry, long post, but stay with me a bit longer if you can!) I got home that night and prayed to my Father in Heaven for a friend. "Just one, please, just one good friend." God likes to bless me and He sends me far too many blessings than I ask for and it humbles me each time. God sent me a friend. He sent me many. He still sends them to me this day. Here are a few. I met Kiera at my work while I was still with my ex. We became good friends and I always enjoyed hanging out with her. During my separation from my husband I confided in Kiera the real reason behind my leaving my partner. I expressed my need to come back to church and she shared with me some very poignant and personal experiences from her life as well that touched me and were what I needed to hear so desperately at that time. I decided I would go to...well..It's called institute, but it's basically a scripture study class for young adults. Kiera said I could go with her to her institute and I agreed................ About a week before I prayed for a friend, Patrick returned from his two year mission for the church and came back to where I work. He had worked there before he left for his mission and when I heard that he was returning to work again I thought, "oh awesome, I think he was a pretty cool guy before he left, though I didn't know him very well." He returned and was just as cool as he was before he left. He was always positive and upbeat and, as cheesy as it sounds, made me want to be better and do better. So when I prayed for a friend, I kind of jokingly said to God, "Just one, please, just one good friend. Maybe someone like Patrick. Haha. Okay, amen." ........... back to institute. So Kiera said that I could go with her to her institute and I agreed. I sat down beside Kiera and felt super nervous to be in this class. Then I had this random thought at that very moment, "Patrick is going to be here." I turned around and at that moment Patrick walked through the door. He was excited to see both me and Kiera because we all worked together and that was fun for all of us to see each other outside of work. I had no idea that Patrick was going to be going that night to institute, but I think God knew that I needed a few friends in institute that night to make me feel more welcomed. Scott is hilarious. I met him at work and we connected over you-tube videos and video games. He would make me laugh at work and I always thought of him as quite the character. a little while after my prayer for a friend Scott and I were working on something together at work and we started talking. Moments between friends are important and should be treasured. I will simply say that some things that he mentioned to me as a means of help and insight into his life were so very much things that I needed to hear at that difficult time. I always saw him as a funny guy and still fall for all of his jokes and pranks every time, but I also know that he has a concern for me and a care for me that makes me feel like I have another person that I can rely on for strength. I could mention the many others and their impact: Elisa, Erin, Alison, Briana, Jesse; but the stories of their entrance into my life is more meaningful to me than it would ever be to you, the reader. I think it is more meaningful to me than it is even to those friends that have impacted me for good. 1 Samuel Chapter eighteen talks about Jonathan and David. "The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul." (1 Samuel Chapter 18 verse 1) In reading about these two friends I learn so much about what a true best friend can be. A true friend loves you as much as he loves himself. A true friend speaks kindly to and of you and makes you want to be a better person. A true friend never makes you compromise your beliefs or makes you feel ashamed of your love of things that are good and spiritual. A true friend helps you along your path, lighting the way and putting an arm around your shoulder when you don't know if you can do it anymore. Coming back to the Lord and the light can be a very lonely road. It can be scary. It can be confusing and it can be humiliating and embarrassing. But it can be made so much lighter when we have a friend to walk beside us. My best friend has come to be my Savior, Jesus Christ. He has walked the lonely road before I have and now walks hand in hand with me down my very long, uncomfortable, scary, and enlightening road. Christ also sends us others to help us along our road. These are our friends and they should be cherished. I hope that I can be that friend for someone, because I know how wonderful it to have that in my life. To all my current friends and to all those future friends I have yet to meet, thank you and I love you.

"When There's Love at Home..."

I don't know how often God sends literal angels down to man. We hear accounts of people being visited by angels in the scriptures and we wish that could happen to us. I think it does, just not in the way we expect. God may very well still send heavenly messengers to tell us things and to guide us, but I think that God prefers to use His children already upon the earth at this time as His means of guidance and as a way to bless one another. Basically, He uses all of us as His angels. November of last year, my mother was used as such a messenger. Some of you who will read this will know of my past life. You will know that I had a partner of six years who loved me deeply and who I really feel was my best friend. We would laugh together, we would go grocery shopping together, we watched movies and played games together. Things seemed to be perfect. They weren't. A lot of other things were going on below the surface that were against the principles that I had been taught growing up in the church of Jesus Christ. They went against the very things I taught people while on a two year mission for Christ and his church. Even fewer who read this will know of my struggles before I met my partner. Upon returning from a mission for my church, I was filled with all sorts of doubts and unhappiness. I struggled with the few options that I had for how to live the rest of my life. I knew I had attraction to men, but had a love for Christ and a small knowledge of his plan for me in this life that contradicted any sort of relationship with a man. I could not handle the lies, the sneaking around to be with men and then going to church on Sunday. I couldn't find balance and I could not figure out any way out in my head. I knew that suicide was not an option, so every night I would pray instead that God would take my life: A car accident, a drive by shooting, cancer, rabies, falling down the stairs, whatever it took to just get me a free pass out of this life and the awful reality of having to wake up every morning only to realize that I was still me. My father confronted me and told me basically what the scriptures tell me: "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon." (Bible: Matthew Chapter 6 verse 24) My father said I needed to make a choice and in a moment of frustration I yelled "I don't want to make a choice, I just want to die." I was taken to a hospital at that point to get some help. While I was there, I was given options for the life I could live. I was told "you can either live a life consistent with the teachings of Jesus Christ, which will call for a celibate life" ('no way am I doing that' I thought), "you can continue living two lives and watch it slowly eat away at you as it has done" (clearly that was not the option for me), "or you can just live a gay lifestyle and see how that works out for you." I chose the third option. But I made a promise to myself. "Just because I'm going to be openly gay does not mean that I have to abandon good principles and good morals." The reason I tell this story is to further explain my original story. One day when my partner was at work, my mother called (or texted I can't remember) and told me about a website that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints had just released talking in depth about the church and same-gender attraction. She told me if I wanted to, to give it a look and see if it was anything of worth. I don't think my mother knew that she would be sent from God as an angel. I don't think she knew that she was used as an instrument in changing my entire way of life. The website indeed was something of worth. The website (mormonsandgays.org) had videos that one could watch addressing gay and church topics. One of the videos I watched was a story about a man who actually had been a counselor at one of the church summer camps I had been to in my youth. I thought that was kind of funny that "hey, I know that guy!" and so I watched his video. In it, he discussed his struggle with same-gender attraction and how he is doing today. But the thing that really touched my heart was that he said he never gave up on those basic principles he had been taught in the church. Immediately that scene of me in the hospital flashed back into my mind. "Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I have to abandon good principles and good morals." I looked around at my life and realized just how far I had fallen. I had abandoned all good principles and morals. I was doing things that I never thought I would do and they were not pleasant things. I began to weep uncontrollably at the sad and broken man that I had become. For the first time in years, I went and prayed to God. I asked for help. I knew what I had to do and what it would mean for me and I was terrified. I would have to give up my partner and best friend of six years, the beautiful apartment we shared together, the friends that my partner and I had mutually shared. People would ask questions that I may not be able to answer. I would have to come before my parents and church leaders and confess all of the awful things that I had done in my life and, like the prodigal son, return home in shame and embarrassment at the ill-spent last six years of my life. In January, I left my partner. He took it better than I had expected. I told our friends of my decision to leave my marriage (my partner and I had a commitment ceremony even though we could not be legally wed). They took it better than expected. Then I moved back home with my parents. They took it better than I expected. Much better. There is a song that we sing in church titled "When there's love at home." It talks about how much better life is when there is love in the home. This I know to be true. I've experienced this love and it makes life liveable. In living a gay lifestyle, I have come to know many young men and women who are kicked out of their homes. How sad this makes me. How heartbreaking to think that a parent has so little love for their own child that they cut them off and want nothing to do with them. If you can not feel love at home, where can you feel safe? That thought is haunting. To know that there are those out there who can not feel safe. Who can not come home to a place where they know they will be loved no matter what the awful and cruel world does to them. Parents, do not be a part of that cruel world. Love your children because they certainly love you and they need you. I am so very grateful for parents and siblings who love me and who want me and care for me no matter what stupid mistakes I have made in this life. It is truly an example for me on how to love my future children. A final tender mercy on the topic of the love of family. Love came from my mother and father, this is true. But it also came from everywhere else in my family. My grandmothers both expressed how much they had prayed for me and how much they loved me. My sisters told me how much they loved me and wanted me to be happy in whatever situation I was in. And a loving aunt and uncle were there for me too. My aunt and uncle moved in with my parents to manage work affairs out here in Utah while waiting for their home in North Carolina to sell. For years, they waited for their home to sell and with no prospects and what seemed to be no hope in sight. I know that it was a true test of their faith and I'm sorry that they had to struggle with that trial so that I could be helped in mine. What I mean by that is this: God plans for everyone. I know that I needed my uncle to be at my parent's home so that when I returned home and needed guidance and spiritual help, he could be there to offer it. I grew very close to my uncle during this time. A very hard part of my life (a church council that I may or may not make mention of later, but suffice it to say this was a very pivotal and scary time for me) this hard part of my life, passed and it worked out. God knew that it would work out and that I did not need my uncle's weekly talks (though I still would love that) to get me through. Their home in North Carolina, which had been so long in trying to sell, finally sold. It happened very quickly and it was because God knew that it was time. That is one of the MANY tender mercies that my Father in Heaven blessed me with. Unfortunately it was to the stress and confusion of my poor aunt and uncle! But I hope that they know that though it was a time of uncertainty for them and a time of much heartache in waiting upon the Lord, it has helped me in ways they can not know. Family is so important. It is a strength. There is, and should always be, a bond there that can not be broken through trials and through disappointments. Fathers, love your sons. Mothers, be kind to your daughters. And brothers, be nice to your sisters. If we look on our family members as God looks on us (with a love that is so deep we can not even comprehend it) and if we look on everyone as we do our own family, I know there will be so much more love in this world. I hope that I can do that and I pray that we all can do that! Show love people!

"Through the grace of the Lord, Jesus Christ, we shall be saved"

I began my journey back to the light about 10 months ago. I feel that it is important to tell you now a few things before I continue on. I want to make this blog an uplifting and inspiring one. In order to learn from the past, however, I may have to make mention OF my past. I will try and do so without divulging too much information because I feel it is better to 'look forward with an eye of faith' (Book of Mormon; Alma chapter 5, verse 15) than to look back on the many wrongs that I have done. In looking back, I have done so many things that I regret. I have done things that make me ashamed, embarrassed and afraid. Sadly, for many out there, people feel like there is no way out of those awful things they have done. They may feel, as I did and still do often, that they are too far gone. That they have done too many things that now define who they are and who they will always be. How blessed I am to know about grace. I do not know if everyone has a bible dictionary in the back of their scriptures, but I do. In it, there is a whole definition of grace and what it means and what it does. Grace, as defined in the bible dictionary is "a word that occurs often in the New Testament, especially in the writings of Paul." This makes sense to me. We may or may not know of the rebellious life in which Saul was accustomed to before his miraculous conversion and his eventual ministry as Paul. If anyone needed the grace of Christ, it was Paul. So it makes sense that once Paul experienced this awesome gift of grace, of course he would want to share it in his writings. That really doesn't tell us much about what grace is, though. The bible dictionary continues, "The main idea of the word [Grace] is divine means of help or strength...it is through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means" I love this definition. It tells me that grace is offered freely, but we must make a way for us to receive that grace. It is not enough to just say "I'm saved." (I think of in The Office when Michael Scott walks into the office and says "I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!" as if he thinks that is all that needs to be done to be bankrupt) It requires faith and repentance. The wonderful thing, though, is that Christ even helps us WITH repentance by giving us grace in order to be forgiven, if that makes any sense. After we have done all that we can do; after we have shown a commitment, visible to God and Christ, that we are struggling for that grace that He offers; after that effort is exhausted, Christ makes up the rest and pays for the difference. In the Book of Mormon, a man named King Benjamin taught his people this concept of being eternally indebted to Christ, "therefore, he hath paid you. And ye are still indebted unto him, and are, and will be, forever and ever; therefore, of what have ye to boast?" (Book of Mormon; Mosiah chapter 2, verse 24) In the Bible, Isaiah mentions this debt as well, "Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy wall are continually before me." (Isaiah chapter 46, verse 16) So grace then, is something that is given to us that we can never hope to repay. That does not mean we do not show our appreciation for what Christ has given to us. I try and do good works all the time so show how grateful I am that I can have a new life. Christ made it possible for me to not focus on my awful and sordid past, but that I can be made totally and completely clean and that, by his grace, I can maintain good works and a great future. Because Christ has paid the price for us, we can rightfully assume that grace is offered to us right now! We do not have to wait for our death bed repentance to be made right with God. We can start today! We can start now! How awesome is that! The challenge for me will be to have that faith that Christ really can, after I do all I can do, make up the difference and can make me a new person. I would like to share, in future posts, the blessings and the tender mercies that the Lord has poured out on me in abundance. In doing this, I may almost assuredly be mentioning my "past life" as I call it. Again, I will try and use discretion and sensitivity in discussing things that once were a part of my life that are no longer a part of my life. I will not be mentioning these things for shock value or so people will think 'ooooh, what a rebel you are!' but I will be talking about these things with a desire that those who are in a similar situation can look at the many blessings that God will give to you if you repent and try and come back to Him. I just want this to be SOOO positive and so happy and a way for you to learn with me and love the Lord more deeply with me. So keep reading! And keep the perspective in mind: "This is possible for me, too! This is possible for everyone. All thanks to Christ."

By way of introduction...

There have been many great conversions mentioned in scripture. The bible tells of Saul, who was visited by Christ, himself, on the road to Damascus. Moses came from noble and privileged circumstances and had to humble himself to trust in God and lead others. Ruth gave up the beliefs she had been taught for a better and more correct way. In the Book of Mormon, Alma Sr. is converted to the Lord due to the testimony of Abinidai. Of course, the most famous conversion story in the Book of Mormon is the conversion of Alma Jr. Much like Saul, going about against the church and persecuting and killing faithful members, Alma Jr. was visited by an angel and was brought to know the error of his ways. Alma Jr. was so frightened or maybe, as he says later, was so 'harrowed up by the memory of his sins' that he spent much time in a comma of sorts, becoming converted to the Lord. Once he awoke, he spent the rest of his life in service to God. I was not visited by an angel, nor was I privileged enough to see Christ himself and have him correct me. In a way, God did come and speak to me about my need for conversion. He used earthly means, but the message still came across and I am blessed that I was able to receive that message and follow it. Born of goodly parents, brought up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and having once myself been privileged with a knowledge of Christ's gospel in both former and in these latter days, I had a lot of things going for me; but a trial of my faith proved, at the time, too much for me and I fell away. While I never physically murdered anyone, I brought people away from the teachings of Christ. Mostly, I led myself further and further from the light. In the midst of my rebellion, I was saved. It came in the form of my mother and a video issued by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am not as Alma. I am not like Paul. It has taken, and is taking time for me to become fully converted; To give up those pesky sins that still hold me back from being a true instrument of good and a missionary of Alma and Paul-like caliber. Nonetheless, I am converted every day. I would like to tell you a bit about the road back and of the struggles and blessings that have come with each step. My hope is to, not only find progress for myself in looking back at the road I have traveled, but that maybe someone out there who is struggling with an addiction to alcohol, someone struggling to recognize the purpose behind the loss of a child or a sibling, someone struggling with feelings of same-gender attraction, or someone who is a faithful member of whatever faith they profess to be a part but may not fully recognize the true steps of living all one believes; that maybe that person can learn from my successes and failures. My prayer and my wish is for us to become more fully converted together. Let us do so now. Let us start now. Let us begin today, right now, to make the change and make the choice to become converted to the Lord.