The battle rages on...

Some people might not understand me. There are good reasons for this. My blog, while SUPER honest and straightforward, does not tell everything about me. I believe that we all hide things and, sometimes, there is good reason to. We don't share everything, we don't pour our hearts out to those we just met, we don't expose our whole soul to people we don't feel like we have enough trust with and, in some cases, we still don't expose our whole soul even to those we feel we can trust the most. I know that I have been very bold in my telling all of you my feelings of same-gender attraction, my thoughts on suicide, my lost battles, and my thoughts and feelings on God and my relationship. I still have not told you all everything. It wouldn't be sacred or personal if I told everyone my very private talks with God. It would be 'throwing pearls before swine' as it were, to share the darkest and most painful and terrifying times in my life. The same is true for the brightest and most sacred and spiritual times in my life as well. The reason I'm telling you this, is because you have no idea what this journey has been like. I have no idea what your journey is like, either. I have no idea what it is like to steal money from my parents so I can meet late at night with my dealer to get my next calming fix. I have no idea what it is like to feel pressure to end the life of your child that has not yet been born and to live each day knowing the decision you made is final and permanent and can not be taken back. I don't know anything of the pain, the tears, the trust issues, the anger and of having to let that go that are all associated with rape from someone who you are supposed to look up to and take after or respect. We sometimes look at others and think, 'wow, good for them for changing and overcoming this thing in their life. I could never do that.' and you are right. You can never do what that person did because you are not that person. Even those who struggle with same-gender attraction can not go through what I went through, though our 'affliction' is the same, our stories are so very, very different. While it is true that you can not do what I can do, or what your mother can do or what your neighbor can do, that does not mean that you can't do it, if that makes sense. "I can't do this." is VERY different from, "I can't do what so-and-so can." Yes, I've had to do certain things on my road back that have been very difficult and required a lot of prayer and fasting and tears and fear and courage and determination and patience, but I have been able to do them...and I am not a rare case. You are not immune to the help of your Father in Heaven. You are not too far gone to come back. I know of so many men (and I'm sure there are an equal number of women) who are attracted to another man (or woman), but who love God. They don't know what to do, so they choose a partner rather than God, because "I can't do it." I was one of those people! I could literally see no other way to be happy in this life than to 'just be gay! Just be gay, you do you and you do what feels right. If a guy makes you happy, than you be with a guy!" and so I did. I did what I thought was going to make me happy. It made me happy, yes. The cost of that happiness? TRUE joy. I gave up blessings, I gave up God, I gave up my family and some of my friends, and I gave up...period. Friends, this war that I'm in right now (and it is an everyday war that will last until I die and probably even beyond that for awhile) is not easy. It is not easy to go each day knowing that I will never be able to cuddle with my partner ever again. I will never be able to kiss his cheeks and hold him in my arms while we watch T.V. together. It is not easy to cut out certain people from my life because they are bad for me...in fact I still have yet to do that. I'm in love with a boy that I can not have a future with and I have to live each day knowing that he will love someone else and she will be his everything. It is not easy for me when I find friends who are gay and I think, 'wow, he's so great and he's got so many good things going for him, he would make a good partner' and when that thought comes...I have to avoid that person. This is not easy, folks. My friends who deal with same-gender attraction, it is not easy to get out of the 'norm' of a white picket fence, a dog and two kids, and a life-long partner and chose God. It's not easy...but it's possible. Those who feel that a margarita helps them to be more fun and easy going, but give that up so that they can be sober and healthier...that's not easy. Those of you who are depressed or angry and feel like you have no control over your life so you use and you make all of the stress go away through marijuana or smoking or cocaine or whatever substance is yours of choice, but you give that up and decide, instead, to work through these problems by communicating or by working hard instead of running to your drug of choice....that's not easy. None of that is easy. Life is not supposed to be that way. I have to work hard every day to stay away from sin and temptation, some of which might make me very happy and feel fulfilled. The key thing I have to remember is that these sins or bad choices is that they are always a temporary happy, a temporary fulfillment, a temporary pleasure or satisfaction. It's temporary. If I am hungry and want something right now, I can microwave a turkey dinner. Takes, what...10 minutes maybe? And I will be full and I will have met my need for food...but it isn't Thanksgiving dinner. Homemade mashed potatoes take a long time and a lot of elbow grease. Cranberry sauce takes at least 30 minutes, minus cool down time (I should know, I'm in charge of it every Thanksgiving!) and then there's the turkey. The turkey takes practically all day to cook and baste and roast and whatever else you do to that bird. But at the end of the day, which would leave me MORE fulfilled? I would rather the thanksgiving dinner every day than a microwave meal. So many of us are settling for the microwave dinner because we are just too busy or we are too stressed or we don't feel like we know how to cook. (I hope you are seeing the metaphor/analogy here) Friends, it is exhausting to make a Thanksgiving feast every single day of your life. But when your life on Earth ends and you look back on your days, wouldn't you like to see that each day was a feast and not just a settlement for a temporary meal. I know for a fact that there are those of you I wish would read this that will not read this. Even worse, I know there are those that I really wish would read this, and will read it, and then do nothing about it because they, while not satisfied with their microwave meal life thus far, are not brave enough, or don't think they are strong enough to move past that life. Please...please, don't think this way. You ARE strong enough, and when you aren't strong enough, God and Jesus are strong enough for the both of you. You CAN do this, I promise. I can also promise that you will mess up. There are days when I don't want to read my scriptures or pray and that day can turn into a few days. And that's okay. If I want to go without the help from my Father who knows all and can do all then that's fine. I just have to be okay with the consequences of that. (In my case, the longer I go without scripture study, church attendance, and prayer- the consequences are that I don't feel like I'm ever going to get married. I start to be more flirty with guys whether they are gay or straight, it doesn't matter, I'm just lonelier.  I get more tired and I feel less motivated to do anything. I don't want to spend time with my family. I am more emotional and less logical about decisions. I feel more sad.) If I'm okay with the consequences then that's fine. Obviously, I'm not okay with these consequences and so I have to do all I can to keep myself safe and protected and happy. The thing is, some days... I really just can't do it. Some times I listen to a song that I know has suggestive lyrics, but I do it because I love the beat. Some days I watch a show that talks about sex or makes one-night stands and drinking seem normal and maybe even funny. Maybe I drop something on my foot or I jam my finger into something and I say a word that is...less than holy. Some times I am not my best. None of us is perfect and we fall short. Some days, Satan punches me in the stomach, I fall to the muddy ground, he laughs, kicks me in the side, and walks away to leave me all alone and wondering why I ever listened to or trusted him in the first place. The good news is, I can ALWAYS get back up out of the mud. I don't have to stay there. I don't have to lie there forever and wallow in my own bad choice and think 'well...this is it. This is where I stay.' No! You get back up out of that mud and you keep walking! Is Satan going to come back and punch you again? I guarantee it. But there's a smile brought to my face and confidence in my heart when I know that if I do a puzzle with my nephew instead of swiping through different guys on Tinder 'just to see what I'm missing out on out there', I'm raising a shield of protection so that Satan can't punch me in the stomach. If I can just call a friend to go on a walk with me when I'm having a hard day of depression instead of sitting at home and crying because I don't have someone to kiss or because I'm getting old and gaining more weight while simultaneously losing more hairline, I'm putting on a helmet to protect from the devil punching me in the face. Is it hard to pick up that phone and text someone to go on a walk when I could just lay there? Some of you may have no idea how hard that is, but I can tell you with all the pain in my heart that it is sometimes the hardest thing you will do that day is to simply pick up a phone. But it is SO worth it. I love you; all of you and I know that you can do this. Please trust in God. Please choose Him and the long lasting joy that He can bring you instead of choosing that other thing that looks so appealing, but will only give you an hour, a minute, a day, or even a week or a year of happy only to fade and leave you disappointed. "Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt and where thieves do not break though nor steal." (St. Matthew 6:19-20 KJV Bible)
Keep on fighting, get up and get going forward and know that you can do this, okay!? "Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage, be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee, whithersoever thou goest." (Joshua 1:9 KJV Bible) Be strong, warriors, you got this!

"Forgive them father for they know not what they do..."

Someone once said, 'holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.' I've had a lot of anger the past few weeks. I don't know when it first started happening, but it has been brewing for awhile now. I noticed it, though, when a friend from my past apologized to me for how we left things, asked for forgiveness, and I told her no. I was not ready to forgive. What I said gnawed at me for a few days. Then I started noticing the hate. I started noticing the anger. I noticed it at work. I'm still working with that certain boy that I will never have. We've not worked together often, and when we do, I did not ignore him, but rather I was cold and rude to him. I thought that would be better than hurting. I thought, 'If I'm angry with him; if I hate him, that's better than being in love with him and being sad. Anger...hatred...is better than sadness.' This is false. Anger is just as devastatingly painful, just in a different way... My hate and anger began to spread. I began getting annoyed with his girlfriend. I hate her. I hate her for getting him. Doesn't she know how much pain he's caused me? Doesn't she understand how awful he is as a person and how he ruins lives? It then spread to my friend. She's friends with his girlfriend. How can she be friends with the enemy? How can she be nice to someone who is dating someone that has made me cut myself? This anger spread and spread and it started affecting my relationships. I became withdrawn. I became highly annoyed with anyone and everyone at work (the thought being 'how can anyone like this guy who is such a jerk? Why do they even want to be friends with someone who has hurt me so deeply?') I began to stop trusting people. I gave my heart to someone who didn't want it and rejected it and let me down. Why do that with anyone else? So, I'll just stop sharing my heart. I'll tell people I'm just tired or that I'm fine. I stopped sharing my feelings, my problems, my thoughts with people because what's the point? They are just going to let you down and they really couldn't care any less about what you have to tell them. They aren't going to care. My so called friends hurt me consistently and deeply so why have friends? I can not forgive them. This morning it got really bad. I tried reading my scriptures but the overwhelming anger inside of me kept me from focusing. All I could think about were the people who have hurt me, especially that one guy. I thought, 'how unfair. How unfair that he is happy and dating and doing well at work and laughing and having friends when I was cutting and not eating and thinking of suicide all because of him. How dare he. I hope his girlfriend breaks up with him. I hope his mom gets cancer and dies. I hope that he gets arrested for drugs or drinking and ends up in jail. I want him to feel pain. I want him to hurt like I've hurt. I hate him. I hate him and I hope awful things happen to him so he can understand my pain and my hurt.' I had similar thoughts for all of those people in my life who were associated with this person. I wanted, not only him to feel pain, but all of them; anyone even remotely associated with him. I wanted all of them to see how hurt I was and how much I've been through. I could feel the hatred and the anger welling up inside. I became hot inside and very dark. In the midst of this...a small voice said, 'Brent, stop. Come back. Please don't feel this way. This isn't making you happy! Please stop!' So I said a prayer and asked for help. Then went to the temple to get instructions on what to do. The answer came to me. I began reading in John in the bible. John chapter 19: verse 1 'Then Pilate, therefore took Jesus, and scourged him.' verses 2 and 3 'And the soldiers plaited a crown of thorns, and put it on his head, and they put on him a purple robe and said, Hail, King of the Jews! and they smote him with their hands.' verse 6 'When the chief priests therefore and officers saw him, they cried out, saying, Crucify him, crucify
him.' verses 23 and 24 'Then the soldiers, when they had crucified Jesus, took his garments, and made four parts, to every soldier a part; and also his coat..They said therefore among themselves, Let us not rend it, but cast lots for it, whose it shall be' verses 28 and 29 'After this, Jesus knowing that all things were now accomplished, that the scripture might be fulfilled, saith, I thirst. Now there was set a vessel full of vinegar: and they filled a sponge with vinegar, and put it upon hyssop, and put it to his mouth.' and verse 30 'When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, It is finished: and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost.' How could people hurt someone so much? How could they do this? Surely, Jesus wanted them all to die. Surely, Jesus wished they would get a terrible disease that would painfully and slowly kill them all, right? Right!?  Luke 23:34 'Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.' ....What?! Father forgive them?! No! No! Father, kill them all. Make them feel the same pain I have felt! Make them suffer!! But no, Christ forgave them and asked God to do so as well. I can not comprehend that. It passes my complete understanding. Not only was Jesus hurt by those who didn't know him though. It gets worse. John chapter 18, verse 3: 'Judas then, having received a band of men and officers from the chief priests and Pharisees, cometh thither with lanterns and torches and weapons.' then verses 16 and 17: 'But Peter stood at the door without. Then went out that other disciple, which was known unto the high priest, and spake unto her that kept the door, and brought in Peter. Then saith the damsel that kept the door unto Peter, Art not thou also one of this man’s disciples? He saith, I am not.' verses 25-27 'And Simon Peter stood and warmed himself. They said therefore unto him, Art not thou also one of his disciples? He denied it, and said, I am not. One of the servants of the high priest, being his kinsman whose ear Peter cut off, saith, Did not I see thee in the garden with him? Peter then denied again: and immediately the cock crew.' Not only was Jesus beaten and hit and spit upon and mocked, but two of his closest friends hurt him; one by betrayal and the other one by denial of their friendship. Okay, so surely Jesus must have wished hurtful things for Peter right? I mean, that's super rude and what a jerk friend Peter was! John Chapter 21: verses 8-15 '
8 And the other disciples came in a little ship; (for they were not far from land, but as it were two hundred cubits,) dragging the net with fishes.

 9 As soon then as they were come to land, they saw a fire of coals there, and fish laid thereon, and bread.

 10 Jesus saith unto them, Bring of the fish which ye have now caught.

 11 Simon Peter went up, and drew the net to land full of great fishes, an hundred and fifty and three: and for all there were so many, yet was not the net broken.

 12 Jesus saith unto them, Come and dine. And none of the disciples durst ask him, Who art thou? knowing that it was the Lord.

 13 Jesus then cometh, and taketh bread, and giveth them, and fish likewise.

 14 This is now the third time that Jesus shewed himself to his disciples, after that he was risen from the dead.

 15 ¶So when they had dined, Jesus saith to Simon Peter, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me more than these? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my lambs.'

Jesus fed the very friend who denied him. He also taught him how to carry on preaching the gospel and how to continue to run the church. I can't...I just...it...wow. I'm blown away. How!? How can Christ forgive like that? I don't know how to do that. I was down about it. I didn't know what to do. I am not Christ. I can not forgive. Wow, good for Jesus that he could forgive people, that's awesome. I don't care. I've been hurt and I want my so-called friends to know it! I want them to hurt! Clearly, I'm stubborn and so God put his palm to his face, shook His head and said, 'Okay, Brent...let's try a different angle...'  Matthew 5: 43-48

'43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

 45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

 46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?

 47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?

 48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.'

and then the scripture that really hit it home to me. Matthew 6:14 and 15

'14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

 15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.'

Brent...how many times have you hurt Christ? How many times have you had to plead before God and ask for His forgiveness for denying Him and going against what He asks and hurting Him with your actions? And how many times has He forgiven you?' it was chilling....to realize that if I can not forgive others for the hurt they have caused...then why should God forgive me for the very same hurt I have caused him? Having this thought also changed my perspective. I looked at my situation in a new light. This guy...this guy who I have hated because he was a jerk to me...did nothing wrong. He was (and maybe still is) my friend. He was just trying to be a friend and do whatever I asked him to do to make me happy. I was the one who caught feelings. I'M the one who was dissatisfied at the amount of love and friendship he showed me. I'M the one who wanted a relationship with him that was more than just friends and he could not give that to me. So why am I so angry with someone when they have done nothing wrong? His girlfriend has done nothing wrong. She simply liked a boy who liked her back. That's normal. That's a good thing. My friend did nothing wrong. She simply got along well with this guy's girlfriend. So why do I have so much hatred and anger for those who have done me no wrong? ....Okay, Father...I get it. So what do I do now? 'Brent...you have to let this go. You have GOT to get this awful, hateful, and satanic poison out of your life.' ... But, Father, I'm scared. I can't do this...it's too hard.. 'Yes, Brent, This is going to be hard. This is going to take strength (that you DO possess, stop telling yourself you can't do it) and it is going to take patience, a calm head, and a lot of prayer, but this IS possible.' I then decided I need to swallow my pride and ask for forgiveness for the evil and malicious thoughts I was having. So I texted almost all of those who I had hateful feelings for (still have three left, but I'll get there) and then took a deep breath and thanked God for His help and understanding. I'm so grateful that Jesus is not a spiteful person like I am. I'm so glad that he has not wished me to feel the same pain he felt, because...I literally can not. Only Christ could feel the pains he felt. but because of it, I am free and I am able to learn from my mistakes (including the mistake of anger and hatred)

Friends, please do not carry a grudge around with you. Please. It will suck all of your happiness away. It will eat at your soul until you become a shell of the person you were. Please do not be angry with others for an unkind remark, for an ignorant comment, or for something that was said that was taken the wrong way. Please do not become defensive at a friend's concerned suggestion. Do not wish the same hurt you have felt upon someone else, because I can PROMISE you that it will not make you happier. You will not feel satisfaction from their misery. You will just feel miserable yourself for stooping to their level or even lower. I know this is hard, BELIEVE ME! I am going to ask for God's continued help to find love and charity for others because I know that without it, I truly, TRULY can not do it. I am human and therefore, if I'm hurt, I want to retaliate. That is why I need God to help me rise above and be the better and bigger man. If you don't believe in God or if you are not religious...I guess my only suggestion for you then would be to serve those you hate. I know that sounds ridiculous and impossible, but it's not. It is not impossible to do something nice for someone you hate. Maybe even just a simple, 'hey, that's a nice shirt.' or 'oo, cute shoes.' That's all. See if it doesn't help, even for a split-second. I love you, friends, and I'm really trying to mean it. ;)

Doubt not, Fear not

To begin, please, please do not look at this blog post as a warning sign or a cry for help. For those of you about to read this, please, once you have commenced in reading it, you MUST finish reading. You have to finish. Please read the entire thing. Do not worry, do not fear...
Last night and this morning were hard...there were moments of light, but the dark overshadowed and came back. Yesterday I felt a fear. I felt a lot of emotions, but I had fear. I felt darkness. Today, the darkness grew, subtly, without my realizing it, it grew and it spread. But God is good and will save me. I had plans to go to lunch with a friend, only that didn't work out. Just another disappointment...So I chose to go to the temple instead. God saved me. As I drove to the temple I thought, 'you know...I'm done. I can't even. Why make friendships only to be disappointed? Why try and why put myself out there? Why feel?' I got to the temple and the darkness increased... I thought about what it would be like to just run off the side of the temple hill...to just jump and be free. I thought maybe I could go home, take some pills and just go to sleep...I thought (please, please do not fear. Please keep reading. Please keep reading to the end. Mom, don't worry, please just keep reading...) I thought about if it would hurt if I shot myself or if it ends quickly and you don't feel the pain. (Please keep reading, I know. I know how this sounds and I know how scary this is. Please keep reading, please have faith...) The darkness became consuming...In the midst of this darkness, I spoke to God. I told Him my thoughts and I told Him my fears. 'I'm scared, Heavenly Father. I'm really scared.' (I know I said keep reading, but...I'm about to share, with God's permission, some very personal, private, and sacred things. If you don't believe in God...If you will make fun of me for the things I'm going to say or if you are going to think me weird, or a Jesus freak, or will mock God and my relationship with Him, stop reading now. I will not share sacred and wonderful things with those who do not respect or appreciate them. okay...) I then began to talk to God. Not face to face, but in my head. 'Father help me. I'm scared.' God spoke back to me, through the scriptures. 2 Timothy 2:10 'Therefore, I endure all things for the elect's sake, that they may also obtain the salvation which is in Christ Jesus with eternal glory'
'Father, I can't. I can not endure anymore. I am not Christ. He suffered more than anyone, and I get that, but I'm not Christ. I can not do this.'
2 Timothy 1:7 'God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of a sound mind.'
The rest of our conversation, I will not share with you. Again, it is private, it is personal, and it is sacred. I will tell you that God sent assurance that I CAN indeed do this. I am powerful. I just need His help. One other scripture that was shared with me was in the Book of Mormon. Alma 7:5 'yea, I say unto you come and fear not, and lay aside every sin, which easily doth beset you, which doth bind you down to destruction, yea come and go forth, and show unto your God that ye are willing to repent of your sins..'  Satan is afraid. A few verses later in Alma 7:19 I read 'For I perceive that ye are in the paths of righteousness; I perceive that ye are in the path which leads to the kingdom of God...' I'm there. I'm on the path of righteousness! I'm doing good! I'm doing great! And the devil knows that and he is scared. He knows I have far too much to do; I have far too many more blessings yet to receive in this life. I am going to be a great force for much good. I already am. My life is amazing and is going to get even more amazing! And that scares Satan. 'I can not let him live. He can not receive that happiness.' So he tells me to end my life. That this is too hard. He fills me with fear and doubt. He fills my mind with thoughts that it will not get better and that what I have now is not enough. I thought back to a conversation I had with a friend in which they shared that they are scared of mediocrity. That they are not doing enough and that there is so much more to their life that they are not realizing. Another friend has shared with me that they are afraid that they will not meet their full potential. These are fears and God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power. I understand both of my friend's fears. I often wonder, 'is this it? Am I going to be making hamburgers until I'm 48 years old? Am I going to live in my sister's basement until I'm 64? Am I going to ever get baptized or am I just going to keep making mistakes and reliving my life of sin, never moving forward, never progressing. Only to die the same person I am today?' Thinking this, why WOULD one want to continue to live? If I'm going to be the same person I am today as I am when I'm 85, then why continue to 85? Friends, you are NOT mediocre. You are NOT destined for mediocrity, but for greatness. You WILL make more of your life if you will let God help you. I fear I haven't reached my potential, and maybe I haven't, but the only person who is stopping me from living my fullest life, is myself. and Satan, but the devil can only do so much. True, he is powerful. I told God that, "Father, Satan is powerful. This is hard. He is strong."
"You're stronger. You're stronger Brent. I'm stronger."
God is more powerful than Satan. I am more powerful.
Friends...Fear is a powerful thing. Do NOT let it overtake you. You are more powerful. You are stronger. You can do anything you want to do and be whatever you want to be. God loves me and He will save me. He already did. Yeah, I may not have been able to go to lunch with my friend. But it's because I had a much more important date that I had to make. God knew I needed to go to the temple and He knew we needed to have a talk. Don't worry, Mom, God worries about me enough for the both of us!
Friends, we can not live with fear. I have to do whatever I can to stay away from the darkness and from fear. I have to make the things that make me happy and full of faith the priorities in my life. I can not spend my time with things that bring me down, or make me question, or lead me to sadness. Some of you might find your safety in sex, your calm in smoking, your peace in pornography, or your happiness in alcohol. I don't. The only way I can feel safe, secure, calm, happy, peaceful, loved, less lonely, light, and good is when I am doing what God wants; when I am surrounding myself with the gospel of Jesus Christ. That gospel includes keeping my body and my mind clean, lifting others through service and kind words, watching uplifting movies and shows, being genuine and honest, going to church and reading scriptures, spending time at the temple or just in nature. I will not condone or judge you. If you REALLY feel like you are finding happiness in sex, drugs, drinking, pornography, swearing, or anything else, then you do what you need to make you happy. But I promise you that there is real happiness out there. There is more and there are better things for you.  As for me, I can only find REAL happiness (not pleasure, because those are two different things) in doing good things. That is how I will make the fear go away. I HAVE to rely on God to suggest what to do. I can't do it on my own. Every time I try and think that I can do it on my own, there is the chance (the very scary chance) that I will pick wrong things or make the wrong choice. I think we get into a habit of thinking, "oh look at what I accomplished! Look at the car I bought, because I worked hard for it. Look at the miles I ran because I trained and trained. Look at how much I know about science and math and law and finance because I have read so much.' and we forget about who led us to the high paying job that gave us our car, who gave us our legs to run a marathon and who gave us our brain and our mind to expand and grow. Give up your pride. Stop being so defensive and realize that you need God. We all need God. We need Him. Every day. If you are depressed and if you are scared, that is my strong suggestion. Surrender to God. Let Him make you happy, by doing what He asks you to do. Yes, it's been hard for me. Yea, I've had some pretty scary moments, but I am not giving up. God won't allow me to. I am too important. I am too special. Even if I don't make a difference or don't have an impact on anyone else's life (which is not true. I impact people more than I realize, I think.) but even if I don't...I still have the greatest impact on myself. And I affect God and the things I do matter to Him, even if they matter to no one else. Brother, Sister, Friend, you are far too important to ever give up. You have too many things left for God to bless you with. I have a life to live and, while it is a hard life filled with many tears and many trials, it is also filled with (and is going to continue to be filled with) joy and peace and love. But that only comes if I follow God and allow Him to take over. 1 Corinthians 10:13 'There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to ESCAPE, that ye may be able to bear it.' I don't think I fully understood this scripture. God will not allow me to suffer to the point of killing myself. He won't allow it. He will always intervene because I mean too much to Him. Mom, I'll be fine. I really will. God has me in His care and He will help me when I feel like no one else can. He will send me to the temple. He will prompt my friends to text me to come eat at Rancheritos at 11 at night so that I can laugh and smile. He will prompt my mother to send me a text to remind me how proud she is of me and how much she loves me. He will have my nephew hold my hand as we walk, just so I can feel loved and special. He will help me realize the love of my earthly father as we discuss spiritual things on the phone or late at night when he should be in bed. God is good and has said, 'Look unto me in every thought; Doubt not, Fear not.' There will still be hard days. There will still be times when I don't want to go on and when I may even be afraid and enter the darkness again, but I trust in my Heavenly Father and I know that I will be safe with Him. I will not enter that darkness If I can rely on God. I will continue on, because I love my life and I love what God is doing with my life. If you need me...if you feel this sadness or this darkness in your own life, please let me know. Maybe I can't do anything for you other than to say sorry or to take you out to get a cheeseburger or go on a walk, but maybe that's all you will need. Maybe you will have to just find strength in yourself to force a smile. But you can smile. God will help you smile. He gives you that inner strength. Pray to God for help! God will help you, I PROMISE.

The Darkness Deepens...The Light Will Come...

I have been hesitant to post anything on this blog for the last few weeks, maybe even months. There are a few reasons why. I will get into them in a moment. I have had a hard few weeks and months. I read over a previous post of mine and it's interesting to note that I said this was going to be the hardest year of my life. That may have been an exaggeration. I've had harder years. This one is turning out to be pretty difficult though. One reason I didn't want to post anything is because I don't want people or God to think that I'm not blessed. I'm VERY blessed. I have an amazing family, a home, a great job, religious freedom, many things of monetary worth that I take for granted everyday like a cell phone or clothing or food in my fridge...or even a fridge! I am blessed with so many things so I don't want it to seem like my life is awful or that I have nothing good in my life. That's not true at all. Another reason I didn't want to post on this blog is because I didn't want people to think this was a cry for help or a plea for some attention. My purpose in writing what has been happening to me is so that 1. I can look back and see how much greater my life has become than where it used to be and 2. so that others who are struggling can relate to some part of what I'm going through so you don't have to feel alone. A third reason for not posting my recent experiences is that I don't want people to get the wrong idea. That one's hard to explain. I'll try. So two years ago (maybe three, I honestly don't remember) I left a 6 year committed relationship with a partner and decided to come back to Christ's church and live by his teachings. I "gave up" a lot of things in an attempt to find greater blessings and more happiness than I was currently experiencing at the time. In the last two years I have gone through some things...and that's putting it mildly. Now I sit here and ask myself, "okay. Are you happier? Did you receive the blessings you wanted? Was it worth it?" two weeks ago, my answer was no. I'm not happier, I'm much more depressed. I haven't received the blessings I wanted and, not only that, but I don't even know if I wanted those blessings to begin with. No, this wasn't worth it. All the fighting, the changes, the struggling. It wasn't worth it. Why did I do this? What's the point? I even thought, "I could have been so much happier had I not done any of this; had I just stayed in a comfortable relationship and live out the rest of my life with someone who made me happy and in a life that made me happy." I think people would get the wrong idea here. People might look at my life and say, "okay, so if this isn't making you happy, then why are you doing this? It seems like following God and following Christ just lead to misery and depression, not happiness." While it is true that I do not have the things that I want, I have received exactly those things that I need. Those things that would make me happy, if I would just choose to be happy with those things....does that make sense? In the Book of Mormon, a prophet named Lehi, took his family and led them to the Americas, because God commanded him to. Lehi had some sons and two of his sons, Laman and Lemuel were angry and depressed and could not see the point in leaving their home in Jerusalem and going to America. They said, "he hath led us out of the land of Jerusalem, and we have wandered in the wilderness for these many years; and our women have toiled, being big with child....and it would have been better that they had died before they came out of Jerusalem than to have suffered these afflictions. Behold these many years we have suffered in the wilderness, which time we might have enjoyed our possessions and the land of our inheritance; yea, and we might have been happy." This is the attitude that I have sometimes; "I might have been happier..." Lehi also had another son named Nephi, who, at the same time his brothers were complaining and giving into their unhappiness, said, "and also, I , Nephi, had been blessed of the Lord exceedingly...My God hath been my support. He hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness, and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. " I feel this way too. These sons had completely different attitudes about the same situations. I, now, have examples to look to. I can choose to be a Laman and Lemuel and see the negativity in every situation, or I can be a Nephi and see the positive. The negative: I want a wife. I want to marry a girl who loves God and can share my love of Christ and of church and of all things light. I want a wife who will take this selfish, immature, and broken piece of clay and work patiently with me to turn me into the better man that both she and I know I can be. I want a wife so that I can have a best friend who will be with me all the time. I want to get home after a closing shift at work and see her sitting on the couch watching a cheesy romantic comedy and waiting to ask me how things went at work. I want to discuss whose family we will be spending Christmas with this year and I want to fight about...I don't know...whatever it is that couple's fight about, but know that after the fight is over, we will still be married and it's because we love each other more than we want to be right or win an argument. I want a son. I want a boy that I can raise up and can be another best friend who I am proud of and who makes me laugh, but at the same time drives me nuts! I want to hope for him to go on a mission and to get married.  I want to take him out for ice cream when he's upset for not making the basketball team and attempt to cheer him up when the girl he asks to homecoming dance tells him she already said yes to someone else. I want a daughter. I want to see her go to college and get an amazing job and be super successful and I want to see her in her prom dress smiling and getting a corsage from the boy she has a crush on who I think is so totally not good for her. I want to be there to hug her when that stupid boy breaks her heart and leaves her feeling like the world is going to end and cry with her because I know what that feels like to have a stupid boy break your heart and leave you feeling like you aren't good enough and that the world is probably going to end. I want to have a home that is filled with the smell of pancakes on Sunday morning and the sounds of kids laughing on a Monday night. I don't have any of that. I have a stupid physical attraction to men that makes the thought of ever having a wife seem like an impossibility. I am not good enough, spiritually, to deserve a righteous, beautiful woman who ACTUALLY lives up to the standards I would like to have, but am too weak to commit to living. Depression is an ugly monster that can quickly swallow you up and drag you deeper and deeper into it's darkness and when you are in the dark, it's so very, very hard to find the light. You tell yourself things that are not true, "I'm not loved enough, why did I think I could do this when I can't, I don't want to be happy I just want to cry, I'm ugly, I'm terrible and this is hopeless." It leaves you feeling physically drained and emotionally done. numb, weak, fragile, and scared. For those of you in this situation, I am so sorry. I am so sorry I can not be there for you enough. I'm sorry I didn't give you a hug or tell you that you are important and that you mean something. I'm sorry that you haven't found a way towards the light and I'm sorry I didn't realize you needed help.  I know you feel absolutely alone. There are nights when I cry and no one else knows it. There are times when I text back, "I'm good! How are you!?" when I want to say, "I'm alone and I could use a hug and some loving words to get me through," but I don't want people to know I'm sad because who wants to be around someone who's sad all the time? So I sit alone or read scriptures through my tears alone or listen to songs that make me cry alone. I do it alone. Sometimes the hardest thing for me to do that day was to force a smile. Sometimes the sadness becomes so overwhelming it can literally turn itself into a physical pain. That physical pain can cause you not to eat and it can cause you to burst into tears because you really have no idea how to get rid of this physical pain in your stomach or in your heart. It's awful and for those of you who are in the midst of this battle, I am so sorry and I cry with you even though we are not together, I am with you. I apologize if you are reading this blog and I have gotten too depressing for you. Might I suggest watching a Studio C sketch or typing in 'funny cats' on youtube at this point to help you feel better. Or, you can continue reading and I will give you the good news. The Positive: I am amazing! I have a most blessed life! I have a mom who constantly asks me when I get home from work, 'do you want to watch a movie?' I have a dad who tells me about an interesting piece of interior design or asks me about something cooking related because he wants to be a part of my life. I have friends who sit by me at church and ask what the highlight of my week was and really, the highlight of my week was that I had a friend sit by me at church! I have the most loving and cutest nephews and nieces I could ever ask for who give me hugs exactly when I need them and who know what funny thing to say to make me laugh. I have a job where I walk in and see smiling faces and know that it's going to be an amazing shift! I have a beautiful car and I have an ipod that lets me enjoy listening to music while driving around in my beautiful car. I have clothes in my closet and sheets on my bed. I can see. I can hear. I can walk. I can speak. I have cheesecake! God gives me rainy days because He knows they make me happiest. I have God and I have Jesus Christ. I am never alone. "Therefore, I will look unto the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will hear me. Rejoice not against me, o mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me." (Micah 7:7-8 KJV) This IS worth it. It's so hard, but it's so worth it! There are days when I don't feel like it's worth fighting. I don't want to keep going. But I will rise up again. I'll keep going. I'll keep fighting. Friend, keep fighting too! You can do this, I know you can and God knows you can. I know there will be times when you will have to suffer through trials and your mom, your aunt, your best friend, your dad; no one will be around to see you cry or see the hurt. In those times, you are still not alone.  God is around. Jesus is there for you as well and He knows what it is like to be alone. when he was in the garden suffering for our sins and pains, feeling every single thing that you and I feel, he was alone. "and he cometh unto the disciples, and findeth them asleep, and saith unto Peter, what, could ye not watch with me one hour? He went away again the second time and prayed...and he came and found them asleep again." In the stillness of the night when your friends and your family is asleep, you weep silently and pray for morning and for daylight so that you can feel better. Christ felt that. I feel that sadness. I know a little about what you're going through and I know that Christ knows PERFECTLY what you are going through. He and I are there for you and love you. I know that may not be the same thing as having someone physically hugging you and telling you it's going to be okay, but...it will be okay. Keep holding on and keep trying to find the positive in your life. For me, I'm still trying to be positive and still trying to tell myself each day that things will get better and that I still have good things in my life. I may not have the things I want, but maybe it's because I'm not ready for them. Maybe it's because I need something else all together. I don't know. I do have blessings now, though, and I will continue to look for the good things, treasure the good moments, and pray to make out of the dark times until the light comes. "The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined.... He is the light and the life of the world; yea, a light that is endless, that can never be darkened" (Isaiah 9:2 KJV bible and Mosiah 16:9 Book of Mormon)

Converted to the Lord?

Yesterday I received a letter. I have been waiting almost 2 months for this letter. Basically, what happened is that I met with some leaders of my church who send a letter to higher up leaders in the church who, I believe, receive revelation from God, just like Moses did, just like Abraham did, just like the prophets mentioned in the bible all did; I believe God still is the same yesterday, today, and forever and it just makes sense that there would be a prophet today. So this leader of my church in my area, sent a letter of recommendation to the leader of the entire church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the Mormon church) who is the prophet...and the prophet prays and asks God what should be done in my case. In this case, the prophet (though I feel it's God) has decided that I am not ready yet to be baptized. I will have to wait another year before the leader of my church in my area (called a 'stake president') can re-submit a letter and we can do this all again, but hopefully, I will be more prepared next time. I agree completely with God's decision for me to wait. I'm not fully committed. I'm not fully converted to the Lord. Certain people and certain circumstances that happened in the last few months have really made me question if baptism is what I really want in my life. I think I got so hung up on the fact that I have to get baptized that I lost focused on whether or not I WANT to get baptized. I lost focus on why I wanted to get baptized in the first place. Don't worry, I still want to get baptized. It took a lot of tears and a lot of prayer and a lot of thinking and pondering, but this decision to wait another year really answered my prayers. It woke me up to the realization that I need to work harder for this. I know a lot of you think I've been working really hard at this, and I have been, but recently I've lost that commitment to hard work. There is still so much that I need to learn and so much that I have to do. It's all about my attitude and my drive. I've never really worked hard for anything in my life. I have very low expectations about everything, because I have very low (if any) confidence in myself. If something good happens to me, then that is great. If something doesn't happen for me like I would have liked, thanks to my low expectations and low self-esteem, I just figure 'well, I shouldn't be surprised. I'm just not good enough to get that...(whatever it is)' or 'yea, I didn't think it was going to happen anyways' I never try and I never commit, just in case I fail. If I don't fail, it's a nice surprise, but if I do fail, I kind of figured it was going to happen anyways, so no harm done. This is a terrible way to go through life. It's safe, but it's also no way to live. I don't try to go for management at work, because I don't expect that I'm 'management material'. I (which is very sad) kind of expect that my friends won't be my friends forever or that eventually they will just leave because I'm not funny enough or cute enough or because I will like something that they don't like and they will lose interest in me and not talk to me anymore. Then, once they leave, I won't be that hurt because 'well, I kind of figured that was going to happen anyways.' Spiritually, I have that same mind-set. I didn't expect to get baptized because, 'well, I'm just not good enough and the things I did were pretty bad so I guess I shouldn't be surprised' but if the letter came back and said I was okay to get baptized I would have thought, 'well, cool. I guess I'm ready.' God has come back with the perfect answer. 'Brent, you need to try. For once in your life, you've got to actually WANT something and then WORK for that something.' I want a wife, but I just assume she will appear and be given to me if I'm good enough. I want to be a manager at work, but I just assume that if I come in and do my job for long enough, eventually it will be handed to me. I want to get baptized, but I just assume that if I hold out long enough and do just enough, that I will get to be a part of Christ's church. That is not how it works. Friends; family...this is going to be the hardest year of my life. I am not accustomed to working hard to get what I want in life because I honestly and sincerely don't think I'm good enough to get what I want out of life. Please don't think I'm fishing for compliments here like "oh you can do it" or "stop it, you're great!" Those are nice things to say, but if I can't believe them myself, I will never change myself. I am preparing to do some really tough things this year. I'm going to try and tell myself I can do it. I've never done that before. I'm going to try and reach out and say hi to a stranger before they say hello to me. I've never done that before. I'm going to try and be a leader and that scares me to death. I'm not a leader, I don't stand out and I rarely know what I'm doing in any situation. I'm going to try and stand up for what I believe in and I'm going to try and find myself, even if it means I will lose some of the friends I so desperately want to keep in my life.... Has anyone seen 'runaway bride?' Basically, Julia Roberts runs away from every wedding she is supposed to have. she's afraid of marriage. So Richard Gere shows up and follows her around (he's a newspaper reporter, not just some creep stalker) to get the story on why she runs away. He finds out that she loses herself completely in her fiancés. There is a pivotal moment when Richard Gere tells Julia Roberts, "you don't even know what kind of eggs you like!" because he notices that she orders whatever kind of eggs her fiancé orders. Anyways, they fight he leaves, she doesn't get married again, but she starts finding herself. she starts her own business and she comes back to Richard Gere and says "benedict." He's confused, and she says "I LOVE eggs benedict. I HATE every other kind of egg." the reason I tell you this. I want to be Julia Roberts (who doesn't. haha) I want to be her character in this movie. I want so much to know who I am and what I like and what is worth fighting for in this life and what makes me the most happy. The last year of my life, God showed me glimpses of who I am: I am His child, I am a friend, a brother, a cousin, a nephew, and a son. I've been learning what I like: I like music that no one has ever heard of. I don't like egg yolks, pizza, bacon, brownies, or anything barbeque. I do like cheesecake, anyone who is funny, dinner parties, lip-syncing in the mirror at 2 in the morning when I get off work, having my own private dance parties in my room at midnight, Barbra Streisand and Rosalind Russell, and many other things that I'm too embarrassed to share with you for fear that you won't like me or be my friend anymore. God has shown me what things make me happy, truly happy not just bringing me pleasure: my family, rain, jazz music, church, the temple, sea otters, the sound of waves at the beach, and singing off-key to contemporary Christian music. As far as what is worth fighting for...that will take some time. I know what's worth fighting for, but am I willing to fight for it? Can I change my heart? Can I become converted to the Lord and trust that He will help me in ALL aspects of my life, not just spiritual things? That is my test. That will be the challenge of this new year. But with the support of all of you, with the love of God and Jesus Christ, and with a bit of fear mixed with optimism and a new-found sense of determination I have never had in my life....I'm hoping I can make it. I'm hoping I can do this. I'll keep you posted on my failures, but also on my successes. MY successes that I earned by working hard for them! I love all of you so much and know that you are a support to me and I hope I can be an example to you as you have all been such good examples for me!

The Pure Love of Christ...

So, I've decided upon something. And it may just be me, but Christmas, for a single person in their 30's, has become somewhat of what Valentine's Day is to a single person in their 30's. I don't know if it's because Christmas time brings feelings of goodwill towards all man or if it's just the mistletoe getting people into the "Christmas spirit", but whatever it is, it is hard for those who are lonely at Christmas. I'll be honest, I really didn't think too much about this until I was listening to 'Holiday Made for two' by Dave Barnes (good song, but also depressing if you are alone) and as I was listening to the song I thought, 'you know, this holiday really would be a sad holiday if you didn't have anyone to love you. This got me thinking about love. I have been single now for...awhile, and for the last few months I had been really pretty down and depressed. Some days were okay, some days I dragged myself along. Nights were almost always bad as I would get ready for bed, sometimes pray, and then cry until I fell asleep. A lot of my sadness had to do with a particular guy that I am attracted to and have feelings for who doesn't reciprocate. In order to make myself 'feel better' I would think to myself, 'one day, you will find a wife and she will reciprocate those feelings and you will be so happy.' Does anyone else see the problem with that pattern of thinking. It's subtle so you may have missed it, but it's the reason I was still crying at night and still barely making it through some days. 'ONE DAY, you will find a wife that and she will reciprocate those feelings and YOU WILL BE SO HAPPY'.... 'One day....you will be so happy.' I began to realize the problem with this thought when my dad said, "why do you feel like you need someone else to make you happy?" I didn't have an answer at the time, but my therapist told me something really great. (yes, I see a therapist. In this world we are living in, who wouldn't!?) He asked me, "what is the only thing you are not getting that you would get with a wife?" to which I responded, "a physical relationship." "No, sex is the only thing you are not getting. You are getting a physical relationship when you hug someone, when a friend pats you on the back, or when one of your nieces or nephews gives you a kiss" That never occurred to me before. I think we have the thought in our minds that sex is the only form of a physical relationship. A physical relationship is so much more than that. As humans, I think maybe we all need some contact in our lives. We need to connect and some times, we need that connection to be physical. Girls seem to need that physical connection more often (hence why girls hug each other all the time and guys are usually like, "nah, I'm good bro") Why do we need that connection? Well, it brings me back to love. My therapist said something to me that I've used as kind of a personal mantra of sorts for the last few weeks; "you need to accept the love that you are given as enough." Here's what that means. I have a friend who is amazing...well...I have lots of friends who are amazing, but this one particular girl is super amazing! She and I get along so well. She lifts me up when I'm down, she cares for everyone, and she is always positive despite the trials she has to deal with in her own life. Also, we are perfect for each other. My mom, and about 20 other people, have said 'well, then why don't you just marry her?!' The thing is, we aren't "feeling it" for each other. She's great and, for whatever strange reason, she thinks I'm great. But there's no...spark? No...umph? Call it what you will, we don't have it, despite all the other many great things we have in our relationship. This got me thinking, "why don't we just get married. I may never get the chance again. Maybe in a few years that attraction or spark or that feeling of kismet will just appear." Then I remembered the advice from my therapist. This girl loves me. I love her. The love that we have for each other should be enough. If we don't want to get married, then don't get married!! Enjoy the love and friendship that you share and that love is enough. Then, in the future, maybe a girl will come along that you will think, "ah, okay HERE'S the girl I'm supposed to marry." Then again, maybe not. But until this girl does or does not appear in your life, you have a lot of really good people in your life to keep you happy and keep you feeling loved. Then I focused that advice towards that unattainable guy. We are friends. We spend time together. I love him and, again for whatever weird reason, he loves me. He will never be more than a really great friend...and that love; that relationship should be enough. That has made all the difference. It's still difficult because I still find him attractive and want to sabotage every possible future relationship he will ever be in (I'm MOSTLY just kidding!) but I would rather have an amazing friendship where we can laugh and enjoy being around each other, than to have no relationship at all. (Some of you might think that is the definition of insanity and that I'm just willingly stepping on my heart every time we are together...maybe you're right and we'll see what happens in the future, but this is what is working right now and what is working for me so I'm going to keep on this course...okay, just had to get that bit in there...moving on...) So, why is this post on my 'Converted to the Lord' blog? Because in all of our lives, especially at Christmas, there is one love and one relationship that goes above and beyond all others: Jesus Christ. His love is more deep and more powerful than any love we can know with a co-worker, a friend, or even a parent or a spouse. This guy that I'm attracted to won't give me the world or take a bullet for me to show his undying love. Jesus Christ LITERALLY gave me the world. He created it for me. He gave it to me to live on and to have to use however my agency lets me. Jesus Christ LITERALLY died for me. No, he did not take a bullet for me...his pain and his suffering for me was much worse than that. Christ did these things for me, because he loves me. He loves me more than I can possibly comprehend. God loves me too. He has shown He loves me by placing me into a family and by providing me with friends, a good job, a wonderful spirit, and an amazing plan centered on my happiness. God also sent me His son to die for me. God and Jesus Christ did that...for me! I can not imagine why, but I would imagine it is a similar love to that which I have for my parents who I show love for by listening to their counsel and advice. It is probably a similar love to the love that I have for my friends who I show love to by listening to their troubles, their fears, their sadness and then offering a hug, a listening ear, or a kind word. "That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:17-19) When we fill our hearts with love, we begin to understand, maybe only in the smallest part, the love that Christ has for us. I know there are a lot of you out there this Christmas season crying inside when you see couples ice-skating in the park. There are those of you out there who are praying for a boyfriend or a girlfriend who you can kiss under the mistletoe or hold hands with when it gets cold outside. There are those who can relate with me to the words, 'Santa, all I want for Christmas is a man! (or a woman!) wrapped and packaged underneath my tree!' My advice to you: love. Go ice-skating with your best friend. Take your brother or sister out for hot chocolate and ask how they are doing, (both of my sisters are going to mention this to me, I guarantee it...) Sing a Christmas Carol to your boss, your grandma, or your neighbor. You do not need a boyfriend to make you smile. You do not need a girlfriend in order to receive a really good hug. You do not need a husband or a wife in order to share kindness and spread cheer. You do need Christ. Everyone needs Christ. His love will fill you with love and that love will be shared with others who maybe aren't feeling Christ's love or have forgotten what his love feels like in thier life. That's what Christmas is. It's not presents, it is not Santa, or candy canes, or watching 'Elf' 186 times. Christmas is about Christ. It's about loving others and, really, who doesn't need love? I love my Savior, my brother, and my very best friend, Jesus Christ. I'm so glad that He loves me too. And I love each and every one of you who are reading this. Please let the love I have for you be enough, but more importantly, let Christ's love be enough. Merry Christmas. :) "For God so loved the world , that he gave his only begotten Son , that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." (John 3:16)

Becoming Born Again...

This last year has been...many things: Wonderful, terrifying, hopeful, hopeless, sad, joyous, difficult, blessed, amazing, awful, and so much more. My hopes in talking about this experience is to maybe give someone else who is struggling some hope. While you may not agree with some of the things I've said or some of the things I believe, I feel like challenges are a part of everyone's lives, no matter what you believe or who you do or do not worship. Finding ways to overcome challenges are also an essential part of life and this last year, I have been working really hard to overcome those challenges. The difference for me is that I have God and Christ to help me so I don't have to do it alone, and I feel like I CAN'T and shouldn't have to do it alone. I also have family and friends who are kind and supportive and loving, and I think that is something that we all have to help us through. I hope that the things that I say can touch your life in some way or at least get you thinking about things in a different, more positive light. Maybe you could even say a little prayer right now to help you find something in the words I write that can help you in your particular situation. Okay, moving forward... A little over a year ago, I decided to meet with a counsel of church leaders to discuss ways in which I can get back into God's light and into the church that I feel radiates this light. The counsel met with me and discussed and came up with a final solution: excommunication from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. This meant that I no longer belonged to the church and that I would have to work on getting baptized and work on getting back all of the privileges I once enjoyed. Someone once said to me, "sooo, they kicked you out." No. That is not what happened. I tried to tell this friend that I, basically, "kicked myself out" by not following God's commandments, but I didn't do a very good job of explaining things, because he just repeated, "no, it sounds like they just kicked you out." I will try again to explain, friend, and hopefully it makes more sense this time. Let's use an analogy though. For all of you parents out there, maybe this will be easier to understand, but as a parent, you set rules and guidelines for your children. While your children may think that you hate them and that is why you have these rules, as a parent, you know that these rules are actually to give your children MORE freedom (I.E. Rule: don't drink Resulting Freedom: freedom from prison in the off chance you drink and drive and kill someone) I want you to think about the rules you give your children, and I want you, if you are not a parent, to think about the rules your parents give you. Then I want you to think about why that rule is given and what the freedom is that it allows you to have. Now for every rule that is broken, a punishment is given. Again, not because the parent hates you, but because, as a child, you learn from that punishment "Oh, I probably should think about this the next time I want to break a rule" So, let's say that the punishment for coming home after curfew (the freedom there is that you don't stay out until three in the morning and then have to wake up for school the next morning and be so tired you can barely function. So you are free to function and make better choices...believe me, staying out late has always resulted in me not being able to function the next day and it's awful...but anyways..) the punishment for staying out past curfew is that you get your cell phone taken from you for a day. Something that you love and that you feel you can't live without is taken from you, not because your parents are just jerks, but because they know that you will appreciate that phone more once you get it back and hopefully, you will learn how awful it is to be without a phone and so you will come in at curfew. Back to me: I was excommunicated from the church. I can not take the sacrament, I can not pray in a group setting, I can not pay a tithing to God. There are other things that would bring me additional blessings that I can not do. This is not because God is a jerk and wants to see me unhappy. This is so that I will work harder to get those things that are truly important to me back in my life. I will appreciate the sacrament so much more when I am able to take it again. I will be so excited to receive any calling in the church(except for one calling which I am not saying out loud, because if you don't say it out loud then you won't get called to that calling, right!?...right!?), because I can't serve in a calling right now. So it helps me to look at it that way. I was not "kicked out" but rather, I was given the opportunity to fight harder for the things that I really want and show God that this is important to me and I really do appreciate the things He has given me. Tomorrow, I meet with a counsel again. I don't know what is going to be said or what is going to happen, but I am not scared. I'm hopeful. I know that what I have been doing the last year has been good in the sight of God. There are things that I still do that do not make God happy. They don't make Him angry, they just make Him sad. Sad to see a child not living up to their full potential. I'm still working everyday to make myself perfect, but I know that perfection can not come in this life (at least not with out Christ) In meeting with this counsel tomorrow, I have had cause to reflect on the last year of my life...even the last few years. I wish I could tell you all of the changes that I have made in my life. (some of you, I have told and I appreciate so much your love and support and non-judgmental attitude towards the way I used to live and the things I used to do) I will not tell you all of the awful things I used to do because that does not build, nor inspire, nor does it bring light. It just serves to remind me of the many terrible things I did. I'd rather just say that the changes I have made in my life have been monumental and some of them...if not all of them...could not have been made without the help of God. Whether it was through a friend, through a family member, through a talk in church, through a song or an uplifting film, God has used many tools to show His love for me and His hand in helping me through this challenge of life itself. One of the big struggles in my life is same-gender attraction which I mentioned in a previous post. This week has been a struggle to determine if I want to "give up" a possible relationship with a male, because doing what God has commanded is more important. This means I may never find a wife, due to the fact that I may never be attracted enough to a woman to find a wife. But something inside tells me that a family, with a wife and children, is something that would make me the happiest man on earth and I'm pretty sure God is going to help me find happiness, so long as it is a righteous happiness. I've done a lot of thinking this week over this particular issue, because I think it is one of the major things that I fear. I fear going back to that lifestyle. I fear that I will stray again and start this whole process over again and I don't want to do that. But that's what gives me hope. If I don't WANT to do those things...then why should I? I don't have to. The temptation is strong, but my desire to do good (I've learned this week) is stronger. This week has been one of the more challenging weeks. However, it has not been a bad week. It's been a challenging week. There is a difference. I am preparing to do many great and wonderful things and the devil...well...HE'S a jerk. He wants to make sure that I am never happy and that no good things happen for me ever. I know this though. I know that when good things are happening, or are going to happen, Satan will come to tempt and to distract and to basically make your life miserable. So, I prepared for that (luckily, I served a mission so I know that when you invite someone to come to church, you always tell them, "just so you know...this week, your car will die, or your kid will get sick, or you will get called into work, or you will be out to lunch and your friend will tell you horrible things about church. This will happen. It is not a sign that you should not go to church. It is a sign that the devil doesn't want you to learn and feel good things at church so you need to fight hard to get to that church!!") I prepared and prayed for help to make it through this week and to learn what I needed to know to help me make it through this week with success. God helped me make it through this week. There were things that happened this week that really...it felt like a final exam. Like, "okay, here's a situation. In this situation are you going to A. do something bad B. do nothing (which really isn't good sometimes) or C. do something good." Sometimes, I chose A. More often than I would have liked I chose B. But, in looking back at this last week, and then at this last year, I realized that I choose C more often than I think I do. And that LITERALLY brings a smile to my face. I hope to be baptized at the end of the year. If not at the end of the year, than at least before I die! :) I'll continue to let you all be witness to my challenging and yet wonderful life. I will share my ups and my downs with you. I will share my insights into how to overcome, and I will continue to ask you for help, because I love that God gives each and every one of you insights, whether you know you are helping or not. Galatians Chapter 5, verses 22 and 23 say "But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance..." (King James Version) I feel ALL of these things. I have felt all of these things on my road back. This lets me know that the path I'm on is the correct path. For those of you who have fallen off of that path and don't think you can get back on, you can. It takes humility, it is sometimes embarrassing to come back. It takes strength. You have to know that this is the right choice, no matter who mocks you or is judging you along the way. It takes confidence. You have to make the choices that are right for YOU (and for God), having confidence that God is working with you to make those choices easier to make. It is hard, and it is not for the casual man or woman. It is a path that is long, and very narrow, but don't worry. Christ already walked it. He will provide the directions, the provisions, and the companionship along the way. You'll make it, friend. I'll help if I can!! Because, like you, I'm on a similar road. God is good, life is good, and things get brighter and better everyday. Believe that! I'll keep trying to believe that too! Keep me in your prayers and I will remember you in mine.