The Darkness Deepens...The Light Will Come...

I have been hesitant to post anything on this blog for the last few weeks, maybe even months. There are a few reasons why. I will get into them in a moment. I have had a hard few weeks and months. I read over a previous post of mine and it's interesting to note that I said this was going to be the hardest year of my life. That may have been an exaggeration. I've had harder years. This one is turning out to be pretty difficult though. One reason I didn't want to post anything is because I don't want people or God to think that I'm not blessed. I'm VERY blessed. I have an amazing family, a home, a great job, religious freedom, many things of monetary worth that I take for granted everyday like a cell phone or clothing or food in my fridge...or even a fridge! I am blessed with so many things so I don't want it to seem like my life is awful or that I have nothing good in my life. That's not true at all. Another reason I didn't want to post on this blog is because I didn't want people to think this was a cry for help or a plea for some attention. My purpose in writing what has been happening to me is so that 1. I can look back and see how much greater my life has become than where it used to be and 2. so that others who are struggling can relate to some part of what I'm going through so you don't have to feel alone. A third reason for not posting my recent experiences is that I don't want people to get the wrong idea. That one's hard to explain. I'll try. So two years ago (maybe three, I honestly don't remember) I left a 6 year committed relationship with a partner and decided to come back to Christ's church and live by his teachings. I "gave up" a lot of things in an attempt to find greater blessings and more happiness than I was currently experiencing at the time. In the last two years I have gone through some things...and that's putting it mildly. Now I sit here and ask myself, "okay. Are you happier? Did you receive the blessings you wanted? Was it worth it?" two weeks ago, my answer was no. I'm not happier, I'm much more depressed. I haven't received the blessings I wanted and, not only that, but I don't even know if I wanted those blessings to begin with. No, this wasn't worth it. All the fighting, the changes, the struggling. It wasn't worth it. Why did I do this? What's the point? I even thought, "I could have been so much happier had I not done any of this; had I just stayed in a comfortable relationship and live out the rest of my life with someone who made me happy and in a life that made me happy." I think people would get the wrong idea here. People might look at my life and say, "okay, so if this isn't making you happy, then why are you doing this? It seems like following God and following Christ just lead to misery and depression, not happiness." While it is true that I do not have the things that I want, I have received exactly those things that I need. Those things that would make me happy, if I would just choose to be happy with those things....does that make sense? In the Book of Mormon, a prophet named Lehi, took his family and led them to the Americas, because God commanded him to. Lehi had some sons and two of his sons, Laman and Lemuel were angry and depressed and could not see the point in leaving their home in Jerusalem and going to America. They said, "he hath led us out of the land of Jerusalem, and we have wandered in the wilderness for these many years; and our women have toiled, being big with child....and it would have been better that they had died before they came out of Jerusalem than to have suffered these afflictions. Behold these many years we have suffered in the wilderness, which time we might have enjoyed our possessions and the land of our inheritance; yea, and we might have been happy." This is the attitude that I have sometimes; "I might have been happier..." Lehi also had another son named Nephi, who, at the same time his brothers were complaining and giving into their unhappiness, said, "and also, I , Nephi, had been blessed of the Lord exceedingly...My God hath been my support. He hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness, and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. " I feel this way too. These sons had completely different attitudes about the same situations. I, now, have examples to look to. I can choose to be a Laman and Lemuel and see the negativity in every situation, or I can be a Nephi and see the positive. The negative: I want a wife. I want to marry a girl who loves God and can share my love of Christ and of church and of all things light. I want a wife who will take this selfish, immature, and broken piece of clay and work patiently with me to turn me into the better man that both she and I know I can be. I want a wife so that I can have a best friend who will be with me all the time. I want to get home after a closing shift at work and see her sitting on the couch watching a cheesy romantic comedy and waiting to ask me how things went at work. I want to discuss whose family we will be spending Christmas with this year and I want to fight about...I don't know...whatever it is that couple's fight about, but know that after the fight is over, we will still be married and it's because we love each other more than we want to be right or win an argument. I want a son. I want a boy that I can raise up and can be another best friend who I am proud of and who makes me laugh, but at the same time drives me nuts! I want to hope for him to go on a mission and to get married.  I want to take him out for ice cream when he's upset for not making the basketball team and attempt to cheer him up when the girl he asks to homecoming dance tells him she already said yes to someone else. I want a daughter. I want to see her go to college and get an amazing job and be super successful and I want to see her in her prom dress smiling and getting a corsage from the boy she has a crush on who I think is so totally not good for her. I want to be there to hug her when that stupid boy breaks her heart and leaves her feeling like the world is going to end and cry with her because I know what that feels like to have a stupid boy break your heart and leave you feeling like you aren't good enough and that the world is probably going to end. I want to have a home that is filled with the smell of pancakes on Sunday morning and the sounds of kids laughing on a Monday night. I don't have any of that. I have a stupid physical attraction to men that makes the thought of ever having a wife seem like an impossibility. I am not good enough, spiritually, to deserve a righteous, beautiful woman who ACTUALLY lives up to the standards I would like to have, but am too weak to commit to living. Depression is an ugly monster that can quickly swallow you up and drag you deeper and deeper into it's darkness and when you are in the dark, it's so very, very hard to find the light. You tell yourself things that are not true, "I'm not loved enough, why did I think I could do this when I can't, I don't want to be happy I just want to cry, I'm ugly, I'm terrible and this is hopeless." It leaves you feeling physically drained and emotionally done. numb, weak, fragile, and scared. For those of you in this situation, I am so sorry. I am so sorry I can not be there for you enough. I'm sorry I didn't give you a hug or tell you that you are important and that you mean something. I'm sorry that you haven't found a way towards the light and I'm sorry I didn't realize you needed help.  I know you feel absolutely alone. There are nights when I cry and no one else knows it. There are times when I text back, "I'm good! How are you!?" when I want to say, "I'm alone and I could use a hug and some loving words to get me through," but I don't want people to know I'm sad because who wants to be around someone who's sad all the time? So I sit alone or read scriptures through my tears alone or listen to songs that make me cry alone. I do it alone. Sometimes the hardest thing for me to do that day was to force a smile. Sometimes the sadness becomes so overwhelming it can literally turn itself into a physical pain. That physical pain can cause you not to eat and it can cause you to burst into tears because you really have no idea how to get rid of this physical pain in your stomach or in your heart. It's awful and for those of you who are in the midst of this battle, I am so sorry and I cry with you even though we are not together, I am with you. I apologize if you are reading this blog and I have gotten too depressing for you. Might I suggest watching a Studio C sketch or typing in 'funny cats' on youtube at this point to help you feel better. Or, you can continue reading and I will give you the good news. The Positive: I am amazing! I have a most blessed life! I have a mom who constantly asks me when I get home from work, 'do you want to watch a movie?' I have a dad who tells me about an interesting piece of interior design or asks me about something cooking related because he wants to be a part of my life. I have friends who sit by me at church and ask what the highlight of my week was and really, the highlight of my week was that I had a friend sit by me at church! I have the most loving and cutest nephews and nieces I could ever ask for who give me hugs exactly when I need them and who know what funny thing to say to make me laugh. I have a job where I walk in and see smiling faces and know that it's going to be an amazing shift! I have a beautiful car and I have an ipod that lets me enjoy listening to music while driving around in my beautiful car. I have clothes in my closet and sheets on my bed. I can see. I can hear. I can walk. I can speak. I have cheesecake! God gives me rainy days because He knows they make me happiest. I have God and I have Jesus Christ. I am never alone. "Therefore, I will look unto the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will hear me. Rejoice not against me, o mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me." (Micah 7:7-8 KJV) This IS worth it. It's so hard, but it's so worth it! There are days when I don't feel like it's worth fighting. I don't want to keep going. But I will rise up again. I'll keep going. I'll keep fighting. Friend, keep fighting too! You can do this, I know you can and God knows you can. I know there will be times when you will have to suffer through trials and your mom, your aunt, your best friend, your dad; no one will be around to see you cry or see the hurt. In those times, you are still not alone.  God is around. Jesus is there for you as well and He knows what it is like to be alone. when he was in the garden suffering for our sins and pains, feeling every single thing that you and I feel, he was alone. "and he cometh unto the disciples, and findeth them asleep, and saith unto Peter, what, could ye not watch with me one hour? He went away again the second time and prayed...and he came and found them asleep again." In the stillness of the night when your friends and your family is asleep, you weep silently and pray for morning and for daylight so that you can feel better. Christ felt that. I feel that sadness. I know a little about what you're going through and I know that Christ knows PERFECTLY what you are going through. He and I are there for you and love you. I know that may not be the same thing as having someone physically hugging you and telling you it's going to be okay, but...it will be okay. Keep holding on and keep trying to find the positive in your life. For me, I'm still trying to be positive and still trying to tell myself each day that things will get better and that I still have good things in my life. I may not have the things I want, but maybe it's because I'm not ready for them. Maybe it's because I need something else all together. I don't know. I do have blessings now, though, and I will continue to look for the good things, treasure the good moments, and pray to make out of the dark times until the light comes. "The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined.... He is the light and the life of the world; yea, a light that is endless, that can never be darkened" (Isaiah 9:2 KJV bible and Mosiah 16:9 Book of Mormon)

Converted to the Lord?

Yesterday I received a letter. I have been waiting almost 2 months for this letter. Basically, what happened is that I met with some leaders of my church who send a letter to higher up leaders in the church who, I believe, receive revelation from God, just like Moses did, just like Abraham did, just like the prophets mentioned in the bible all did; I believe God still is the same yesterday, today, and forever and it just makes sense that there would be a prophet today. So this leader of my church in my area, sent a letter of recommendation to the leader of the entire church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the Mormon church) who is the prophet...and the prophet prays and asks God what should be done in my case. In this case, the prophet (though I feel it's God) has decided that I am not ready yet to be baptized. I will have to wait another year before the leader of my church in my area (called a 'stake president') can re-submit a letter and we can do this all again, but hopefully, I will be more prepared next time. I agree completely with God's decision for me to wait. I'm not fully committed. I'm not fully converted to the Lord. Certain people and certain circumstances that happened in the last few months have really made me question if baptism is what I really want in my life. I think I got so hung up on the fact that I have to get baptized that I lost focused on whether or not I WANT to get baptized. I lost focus on why I wanted to get baptized in the first place. Don't worry, I still want to get baptized. It took a lot of tears and a lot of prayer and a lot of thinking and pondering, but this decision to wait another year really answered my prayers. It woke me up to the realization that I need to work harder for this. I know a lot of you think I've been working really hard at this, and I have been, but recently I've lost that commitment to hard work. There is still so much that I need to learn and so much that I have to do. It's all about my attitude and my drive. I've never really worked hard for anything in my life. I have very low expectations about everything, because I have very low (if any) confidence in myself. If something good happens to me, then that is great. If something doesn't happen for me like I would have liked, thanks to my low expectations and low self-esteem, I just figure 'well, I shouldn't be surprised. I'm just not good enough to get that...(whatever it is)' or 'yea, I didn't think it was going to happen anyways' I never try and I never commit, just in case I fail. If I don't fail, it's a nice surprise, but if I do fail, I kind of figured it was going to happen anyways, so no harm done. This is a terrible way to go through life. It's safe, but it's also no way to live. I don't try to go for management at work, because I don't expect that I'm 'management material'. I (which is very sad) kind of expect that my friends won't be my friends forever or that eventually they will just leave because I'm not funny enough or cute enough or because I will like something that they don't like and they will lose interest in me and not talk to me anymore. Then, once they leave, I won't be that hurt because 'well, I kind of figured that was going to happen anyways.' Spiritually, I have that same mind-set. I didn't expect to get baptized because, 'well, I'm just not good enough and the things I did were pretty bad so I guess I shouldn't be surprised' but if the letter came back and said I was okay to get baptized I would have thought, 'well, cool. I guess I'm ready.' God has come back with the perfect answer. 'Brent, you need to try. For once in your life, you've got to actually WANT something and then WORK for that something.' I want a wife, but I just assume she will appear and be given to me if I'm good enough. I want to be a manager at work, but I just assume that if I come in and do my job for long enough, eventually it will be handed to me. I want to get baptized, but I just assume that if I hold out long enough and do just enough, that I will get to be a part of Christ's church. That is not how it works. Friends; family...this is going to be the hardest year of my life. I am not accustomed to working hard to get what I want in life because I honestly and sincerely don't think I'm good enough to get what I want out of life. Please don't think I'm fishing for compliments here like "oh you can do it" or "stop it, you're great!" Those are nice things to say, but if I can't believe them myself, I will never change myself. I am preparing to do some really tough things this year. I'm going to try and tell myself I can do it. I've never done that before. I'm going to try and reach out and say hi to a stranger before they say hello to me. I've never done that before. I'm going to try and be a leader and that scares me to death. I'm not a leader, I don't stand out and I rarely know what I'm doing in any situation. I'm going to try and stand up for what I believe in and I'm going to try and find myself, even if it means I will lose some of the friends I so desperately want to keep in my life.... Has anyone seen 'runaway bride?' Basically, Julia Roberts runs away from every wedding she is supposed to have. she's afraid of marriage. So Richard Gere shows up and follows her around (he's a newspaper reporter, not just some creep stalker) to get the story on why she runs away. He finds out that she loses herself completely in her fiancés. There is a pivotal moment when Richard Gere tells Julia Roberts, "you don't even know what kind of eggs you like!" because he notices that she orders whatever kind of eggs her fiancé orders. Anyways, they fight he leaves, she doesn't get married again, but she starts finding herself. she starts her own business and she comes back to Richard Gere and says "benedict." He's confused, and she says "I LOVE eggs benedict. I HATE every other kind of egg." the reason I tell you this. I want to be Julia Roberts (who doesn't. haha) I want to be her character in this movie. I want so much to know who I am and what I like and what is worth fighting for in this life and what makes me the most happy. The last year of my life, God showed me glimpses of who I am: I am His child, I am a friend, a brother, a cousin, a nephew, and a son. I've been learning what I like: I like music that no one has ever heard of. I don't like egg yolks, pizza, bacon, brownies, or anything barbeque. I do like cheesecake, anyone who is funny, dinner parties, lip-syncing in the mirror at 2 in the morning when I get off work, having my own private dance parties in my room at midnight, Barbra Streisand and Rosalind Russell, and many other things that I'm too embarrassed to share with you for fear that you won't like me or be my friend anymore. God has shown me what things make me happy, truly happy not just bringing me pleasure: my family, rain, jazz music, church, the temple, sea otters, the sound of waves at the beach, and singing off-key to contemporary Christian music. As far as what is worth fighting for...that will take some time. I know what's worth fighting for, but am I willing to fight for it? Can I change my heart? Can I become converted to the Lord and trust that He will help me in ALL aspects of my life, not just spiritual things? That is my test. That will be the challenge of this new year. But with the support of all of you, with the love of God and Jesus Christ, and with a bit of fear mixed with optimism and a new-found sense of determination I have never had in my life....I'm hoping I can make it. I'm hoping I can do this. I'll keep you posted on my failures, but also on my successes. MY successes that I earned by working hard for them! I love all of you so much and know that you are a support to me and I hope I can be an example to you as you have all been such good examples for me!

The Pure Love of Christ...

So, I've decided upon something. And it may just be me, but Christmas, for a single person in their 30's, has become somewhat of what Valentine's Day is to a single person in their 30's. I don't know if it's because Christmas time brings feelings of goodwill towards all man or if it's just the mistletoe getting people into the "Christmas spirit", but whatever it is, it is hard for those who are lonely at Christmas. I'll be honest, I really didn't think too much about this until I was listening to 'Holiday Made for two' by Dave Barnes (good song, but also depressing if you are alone) and as I was listening to the song I thought, 'you know, this holiday really would be a sad holiday if you didn't have anyone to love you. This got me thinking about love. I have been single now for...awhile, and for the last few months I had been really pretty down and depressed. Some days were okay, some days I dragged myself along. Nights were almost always bad as I would get ready for bed, sometimes pray, and then cry until I fell asleep. A lot of my sadness had to do with a particular guy that I am attracted to and have feelings for who doesn't reciprocate. In order to make myself 'feel better' I would think to myself, 'one day, you will find a wife and she will reciprocate those feelings and you will be so happy.' Does anyone else see the problem with that pattern of thinking. It's subtle so you may have missed it, but it's the reason I was still crying at night and still barely making it through some days. 'ONE DAY, you will find a wife that and she will reciprocate those feelings and YOU WILL BE SO HAPPY'.... 'One day....you will be so happy.' I began to realize the problem with this thought when my dad said, "why do you feel like you need someone else to make you happy?" I didn't have an answer at the time, but my therapist told me something really great. (yes, I see a therapist. In this world we are living in, who wouldn't!?) He asked me, "what is the only thing you are not getting that you would get with a wife?" to which I responded, "a physical relationship." "No, sex is the only thing you are not getting. You are getting a physical relationship when you hug someone, when a friend pats you on the back, or when one of your nieces or nephews gives you a kiss" That never occurred to me before. I think we have the thought in our minds that sex is the only form of a physical relationship. A physical relationship is so much more than that. As humans, I think maybe we all need some contact in our lives. We need to connect and some times, we need that connection to be physical. Girls seem to need that physical connection more often (hence why girls hug each other all the time and guys are usually like, "nah, I'm good bro") Why do we need that connection? Well, it brings me back to love. My therapist said something to me that I've used as kind of a personal mantra of sorts for the last few weeks; "you need to accept the love that you are given as enough." Here's what that means. I have a friend who is amazing...well...I have lots of friends who are amazing, but this one particular girl is super amazing! She and I get along so well. She lifts me up when I'm down, she cares for everyone, and she is always positive despite the trials she has to deal with in her own life. Also, we are perfect for each other. My mom, and about 20 other people, have said 'well, then why don't you just marry her?!' The thing is, we aren't "feeling it" for each other. She's great and, for whatever strange reason, she thinks I'm great. But there's no...spark? No...umph? Call it what you will, we don't have it, despite all the other many great things we have in our relationship. This got me thinking, "why don't we just get married. I may never get the chance again. Maybe in a few years that attraction or spark or that feeling of kismet will just appear." Then I remembered the advice from my therapist. This girl loves me. I love her. The love that we have for each other should be enough. If we don't want to get married, then don't get married!! Enjoy the love and friendship that you share and that love is enough. Then, in the future, maybe a girl will come along that you will think, "ah, okay HERE'S the girl I'm supposed to marry." Then again, maybe not. But until this girl does or does not appear in your life, you have a lot of really good people in your life to keep you happy and keep you feeling loved. Then I focused that advice towards that unattainable guy. We are friends. We spend time together. I love him and, again for whatever weird reason, he loves me. He will never be more than a really great friend...and that love; that relationship should be enough. That has made all the difference. It's still difficult because I still find him attractive and want to sabotage every possible future relationship he will ever be in (I'm MOSTLY just kidding!) but I would rather have an amazing friendship where we can laugh and enjoy being around each other, than to have no relationship at all. (Some of you might think that is the definition of insanity and that I'm just willingly stepping on my heart every time we are together...maybe you're right and we'll see what happens in the future, but this is what is working right now and what is working for me so I'm going to keep on this course...okay, just had to get that bit in there...moving on...) So, why is this post on my 'Converted to the Lord' blog? Because in all of our lives, especially at Christmas, there is one love and one relationship that goes above and beyond all others: Jesus Christ. His love is more deep and more powerful than any love we can know with a co-worker, a friend, or even a parent or a spouse. This guy that I'm attracted to won't give me the world or take a bullet for me to show his undying love. Jesus Christ LITERALLY gave me the world. He created it for me. He gave it to me to live on and to have to use however my agency lets me. Jesus Christ LITERALLY died for me. No, he did not take a bullet for me...his pain and his suffering for me was much worse than that. Christ did these things for me, because he loves me. He loves me more than I can possibly comprehend. God loves me too. He has shown He loves me by placing me into a family and by providing me with friends, a good job, a wonderful spirit, and an amazing plan centered on my happiness. God also sent me His son to die for me. God and Jesus Christ did that...for me! I can not imagine why, but I would imagine it is a similar love to that which I have for my parents who I show love for by listening to their counsel and advice. It is probably a similar love to the love that I have for my friends who I show love to by listening to their troubles, their fears, their sadness and then offering a hug, a listening ear, or a kind word. "That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:17-19) When we fill our hearts with love, we begin to understand, maybe only in the smallest part, the love that Christ has for us. I know there are a lot of you out there this Christmas season crying inside when you see couples ice-skating in the park. There are those of you out there who are praying for a boyfriend or a girlfriend who you can kiss under the mistletoe or hold hands with when it gets cold outside. There are those who can relate with me to the words, 'Santa, all I want for Christmas is a man! (or a woman!) wrapped and packaged underneath my tree!' My advice to you: love. Go ice-skating with your best friend. Take your brother or sister out for hot chocolate and ask how they are doing, (both of my sisters are going to mention this to me, I guarantee it...) Sing a Christmas Carol to your boss, your grandma, or your neighbor. You do not need a boyfriend to make you smile. You do not need a girlfriend in order to receive a really good hug. You do not need a husband or a wife in order to share kindness and spread cheer. You do need Christ. Everyone needs Christ. His love will fill you with love and that love will be shared with others who maybe aren't feeling Christ's love or have forgotten what his love feels like in thier life. That's what Christmas is. It's not presents, it is not Santa, or candy canes, or watching 'Elf' 186 times. Christmas is about Christ. It's about loving others and, really, who doesn't need love? I love my Savior, my brother, and my very best friend, Jesus Christ. I'm so glad that He loves me too. And I love each and every one of you who are reading this. Please let the love I have for you be enough, but more importantly, let Christ's love be enough. Merry Christmas. :) "For God so loved the world , that he gave his only begotten Son , that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." (John 3:16)

Becoming Born Again...

This last year has been...many things: Wonderful, terrifying, hopeful, hopeless, sad, joyous, difficult, blessed, amazing, awful, and so much more. My hopes in talking about this experience is to maybe give someone else who is struggling some hope. While you may not agree with some of the things I've said or some of the things I believe, I feel like challenges are a part of everyone's lives, no matter what you believe or who you do or do not worship. Finding ways to overcome challenges are also an essential part of life and this last year, I have been working really hard to overcome those challenges. The difference for me is that I have God and Christ to help me so I don't have to do it alone, and I feel like I CAN'T and shouldn't have to do it alone. I also have family and friends who are kind and supportive and loving, and I think that is something that we all have to help us through. I hope that the things that I say can touch your life in some way or at least get you thinking about things in a different, more positive light. Maybe you could even say a little prayer right now to help you find something in the words I write that can help you in your particular situation. Okay, moving forward... A little over a year ago, I decided to meet with a counsel of church leaders to discuss ways in which I can get back into God's light and into the church that I feel radiates this light. The counsel met with me and discussed and came up with a final solution: excommunication from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. This meant that I no longer belonged to the church and that I would have to work on getting baptized and work on getting back all of the privileges I once enjoyed. Someone once said to me, "sooo, they kicked you out." No. That is not what happened. I tried to tell this friend that I, basically, "kicked myself out" by not following God's commandments, but I didn't do a very good job of explaining things, because he just repeated, "no, it sounds like they just kicked you out." I will try again to explain, friend, and hopefully it makes more sense this time. Let's use an analogy though. For all of you parents out there, maybe this will be easier to understand, but as a parent, you set rules and guidelines for your children. While your children may think that you hate them and that is why you have these rules, as a parent, you know that these rules are actually to give your children MORE freedom (I.E. Rule: don't drink Resulting Freedom: freedom from prison in the off chance you drink and drive and kill someone) I want you to think about the rules you give your children, and I want you, if you are not a parent, to think about the rules your parents give you. Then I want you to think about why that rule is given and what the freedom is that it allows you to have. Now for every rule that is broken, a punishment is given. Again, not because the parent hates you, but because, as a child, you learn from that punishment "Oh, I probably should think about this the next time I want to break a rule" So, let's say that the punishment for coming home after curfew (the freedom there is that you don't stay out until three in the morning and then have to wake up for school the next morning and be so tired you can barely function. So you are free to function and make better choices...believe me, staying out late has always resulted in me not being able to function the next day and it's awful...but anyways..) the punishment for staying out past curfew is that you get your cell phone taken from you for a day. Something that you love and that you feel you can't live without is taken from you, not because your parents are just jerks, but because they know that you will appreciate that phone more once you get it back and hopefully, you will learn how awful it is to be without a phone and so you will come in at curfew. Back to me: I was excommunicated from the church. I can not take the sacrament, I can not pray in a group setting, I can not pay a tithing to God. There are other things that would bring me additional blessings that I can not do. This is not because God is a jerk and wants to see me unhappy. This is so that I will work harder to get those things that are truly important to me back in my life. I will appreciate the sacrament so much more when I am able to take it again. I will be so excited to receive any calling in the church(except for one calling which I am not saying out loud, because if you don't say it out loud then you won't get called to that calling, right!?...right!?), because I can't serve in a calling right now. So it helps me to look at it that way. I was not "kicked out" but rather, I was given the opportunity to fight harder for the things that I really want and show God that this is important to me and I really do appreciate the things He has given me. Tomorrow, I meet with a counsel again. I don't know what is going to be said or what is going to happen, but I am not scared. I'm hopeful. I know that what I have been doing the last year has been good in the sight of God. There are things that I still do that do not make God happy. They don't make Him angry, they just make Him sad. Sad to see a child not living up to their full potential. I'm still working everyday to make myself perfect, but I know that perfection can not come in this life (at least not with out Christ) In meeting with this counsel tomorrow, I have had cause to reflect on the last year of my life...even the last few years. I wish I could tell you all of the changes that I have made in my life. (some of you, I have told and I appreciate so much your love and support and non-judgmental attitude towards the way I used to live and the things I used to do) I will not tell you all of the awful things I used to do because that does not build, nor inspire, nor does it bring light. It just serves to remind me of the many terrible things I did. I'd rather just say that the changes I have made in my life have been monumental and some of them...if not all of them...could not have been made without the help of God. Whether it was through a friend, through a family member, through a talk in church, through a song or an uplifting film, God has used many tools to show His love for me and His hand in helping me through this challenge of life itself. One of the big struggles in my life is same-gender attraction which I mentioned in a previous post. This week has been a struggle to determine if I want to "give up" a possible relationship with a male, because doing what God has commanded is more important. This means I may never find a wife, due to the fact that I may never be attracted enough to a woman to find a wife. But something inside tells me that a family, with a wife and children, is something that would make me the happiest man on earth and I'm pretty sure God is going to help me find happiness, so long as it is a righteous happiness. I've done a lot of thinking this week over this particular issue, because I think it is one of the major things that I fear. I fear going back to that lifestyle. I fear that I will stray again and start this whole process over again and I don't want to do that. But that's what gives me hope. If I don't WANT to do those things...then why should I? I don't have to. The temptation is strong, but my desire to do good (I've learned this week) is stronger. This week has been one of the more challenging weeks. However, it has not been a bad week. It's been a challenging week. There is a difference. I am preparing to do many great and wonderful things and the devil...well...HE'S a jerk. He wants to make sure that I am never happy and that no good things happen for me ever. I know this though. I know that when good things are happening, or are going to happen, Satan will come to tempt and to distract and to basically make your life miserable. So, I prepared for that (luckily, I served a mission so I know that when you invite someone to come to church, you always tell them, "just so you know...this week, your car will die, or your kid will get sick, or you will get called into work, or you will be out to lunch and your friend will tell you horrible things about church. This will happen. It is not a sign that you should not go to church. It is a sign that the devil doesn't want you to learn and feel good things at church so you need to fight hard to get to that church!!") I prepared and prayed for help to make it through this week and to learn what I needed to know to help me make it through this week with success. God helped me make it through this week. There were things that happened this week that really...it felt like a final exam. Like, "okay, here's a situation. In this situation are you going to A. do something bad B. do nothing (which really isn't good sometimes) or C. do something good." Sometimes, I chose A. More often than I would have liked I chose B. But, in looking back at this last week, and then at this last year, I realized that I choose C more often than I think I do. And that LITERALLY brings a smile to my face. I hope to be baptized at the end of the year. If not at the end of the year, than at least before I die! :) I'll continue to let you all be witness to my challenging and yet wonderful life. I will share my ups and my downs with you. I will share my insights into how to overcome, and I will continue to ask you for help, because I love that God gives each and every one of you insights, whether you know you are helping or not. Galatians Chapter 5, verses 22 and 23 say "But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance..." (King James Version) I feel ALL of these things. I have felt all of these things on my road back. This lets me know that the path I'm on is the correct path. For those of you who have fallen off of that path and don't think you can get back on, you can. It takes humility, it is sometimes embarrassing to come back. It takes strength. You have to know that this is the right choice, no matter who mocks you or is judging you along the way. It takes confidence. You have to make the choices that are right for YOU (and for God), having confidence that God is working with you to make those choices easier to make. It is hard, and it is not for the casual man or woman. It is a path that is long, and very narrow, but don't worry. Christ already walked it. He will provide the directions, the provisions, and the companionship along the way. You'll make it, friend. I'll help if I can!! Because, like you, I'm on a similar road. God is good, life is good, and things get brighter and better everyday. Believe that! I'll keep trying to believe that too! Keep me in your prayers and I will remember you in mine.

It's all about love...

Okay, so when I began to change my life around I did not go into a whole lot of explanation on my thoughts concerning same-gender attraction. I did not explain my thoughts, because I did not want this blog to just be about same-gender attraction. I've heard it said recently that there are no "special sins" and I didn't want to make my struggle with same-sex attraction to be seen as something "special" or something that makes me seem like I'm going through something worse or better than anyone else. The point of this blog was to remind everyone that we all make mistakes and we all have trials and temptations in this life and that, no matter what you are dealing with, you can always return to God and He will always love you. So it doesn't matter if you struggle with same-sex attraction or an addiction to coffee; my struggle is just as hard as yours and whatever you are dealing with is just as hard to overcome as whatever I am dealing with. Having said that, I have been lead to ponder a lot on why I have this particular challenge in my life. Just as someone who has lost a child or a husband might ponder the reasons why, I have spent many nights and many days wondering why this is the particular lot that I chose to have in life. Sometimes, I think, we don't receive answers right away to the reasons for something happening to us or for why we were given a particular trial. We may never even receive an answer in this life. I have been fortunate enough to get a glimpse of things. I'm not saying that I know God's whole plan or that I am a prophet or even that I am anything truly special beyond, of course, being a son of God, but in pondering over same-sex attraction I have come to the following conclusion. A few things before I discuss my thoughts. These are, just that, my thoughts. They are not doctrinally sound and they may not be thoughts you agree with. The world would indeed say that I am a Judas, that I am betraying "my own kind" for speaking about my struggle with the temptation to sin as many in the world do not consider homosexuality to be a sin. I am a peace maker and, as anyone who knows me will tell you, I am not opinionated and if I do have opinions I generally keep them to myself. I am about to give my opinion and, as a result, I might lose some friends, I might show myself off as a person that one might not have thought I was (and for some it might be in a negative way), I may even start a global war all over my OWN thoughts. But calm down. If it bugs you that I think that way, then don't listen to me. So if you find yourself getting angry at any point during this post, just please go to Youtube and type in "Simon's cat" and proceed to watch any of the videos that it finds because they are all adorable. For those of you that want to continue on, here it goes. I believe in a life before this Earthly life. I call it the 'Pre-Earth' life. Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (or Mormons) believe in this as well. I don't know if other religions profess to believe this, but the Mormons do. That's not the point. I believe in the concept of a 'pre-Earth' life. In this life, we did not have bodies yet. Just spirits that were pure and innocent and wonderful. We did not know right from wrong or good from evil yet, because we weren't really doing anything yet. We didn't have any "life experience" as it were. I do believe that we spent some time in heaven in this pre-Earth life and that, during that time, we had family. We were all family. I had brothers and sisters and they were each and every one of you. Some spirits I loved so much that I spent a lot of time with them, maybe. I don't know that I necessarily loved any one brother or sister above another brother or sister, but maybe there were just certain spirits that I connected really well with. If you think about 'soul mates' or about the family that you were sent to live in, a pre-earth life, to me, just makes sense. I think my mom and I, for example, must have been really good friends in the pre-Earth life and so I think I probably said something to God similar to, "Hey, we have been best friends up here in heaven, can she be my mother on earth?" I really feel strongly like we chose, before we came here and with God's direction of course, who we would be with in this life. Also, I believe that we were given talents. Special talents that make us who we are and, although we are all made in God's image (Genesis chapter one verse 27 King James Version) and are each given, say, patience or a sense of humor or the ability to learn a language easily, some of us find one talent more accessible than others. Please don't become defensive with what I'm about to say next because I do think that we all are capable of love and that no one is prone to hatred or spite...but I think that some of us have a talent where we just love and we love deeply. We are deeply sensitive and we just love everyone so much. I believe (and I don't mean this to sound prideful) that I was one of those who was given a talent of overwhelming love for everyone. Don't worry, for those thinking I'm being prideful, I am not musically talented, I was not blessed with the talent of dancing or extreme faith or a bold personality. Other people have talents that are different from mine and I'm so grateful for that. One of the talents that God has given me is the ability to love deeply and has given me sensitivity as far as people are concerned. So how does same-sex attraction tie into all of this? I think, and again these are my THOUGHTS, that I loved a spirit in my pre-Earth life. The kind of love that is talked about in the first book of Samuel (starting in Chapter 18) with Jonathan and David. Jonathan and David were not gay, that I know of. But Jonathan loved David "as his own soul"...which is a LOT of love. I believe I had that same love for a certain spirit in the life before this Earth life. Then I came down to Earth and my spirit received an amazing gift. A body. Though this body was an amazing gift...problems arose, because I had to get used to this body of mine. The spirit gives in to God and the good things, but the body has it's own agenda, right now, it seems like! One day, after this life is over, we will be able to align our spirits AND our bodies and we will live forever with a perfect body and spirit...but that's later. For now, we have to learn to take control over our body. Satan, the devil, does not have a body. He was not given that gift because he never came down to live on the Earth. So, basically he's angry...all the time. He sees us with an awesome body and thinks "okay, what can I do to ruin this perfect, clean, and wonderful body?" Soooo, he then says, "I know. Let's give them alcohol to inhibit reasoning and judgement that come with a body. Let's give them good food to eat in excess and lose the energy and health that comes from wise eating and exercise. Let's make tattoos look really awesome so that they can graffiti all over the clean body that God gave them." and we do. I eat cheesecake more than any human should reasonably do. I pay the price for that temptation that I give into. Each day is a test for us to control our body and submit to our spirit. Basically, in this life, we are at war with this new body that has new distractions (alcohol, pornography, loud music, drugs, etc.) and the goal of this life is to learn self control. "A man without self control is like a city broken into and left without walls" (Proverbs chapter 25 verse 28 English Standard Version) Again, what does this have to do with same-sex attraction? Well, I feel like my spirit loved another spirit in the life before this. We were best friends and we loved each other in the most righteous and "BFF" kind of way possible. Then I came down and got a body. My spirit friend also came and received a body. When I saw my now ex partner, (let's call him D) I felt something I hadn't felt before (or at least not that I had noticed before) My spirit recognized his spirit and said "ooooh! We were best buddies!" Most unfortunate for me...Satan decided to take that feeling and distort it, as he does everything that is meant for good (the internet, books, music) and turned it into something dark "ooooh, he's cute!" and rather than my spirit and his spirit remembering the wholesome friendship that we shared, I chose to listen to the voice that told me, "I am IN love with him" rather than, "I love him." It's confusing, but I hope you can still stay with me here. I loved my friend, D, and we had some wonderful times together. We were best friends. The sad thing is, if we had left the sin out of our relationship, we may have still been really close friends. Men can love each other and that's okay. I am learning that all the time and it's really difficult for me. I still am awkward around men because I always think, "okay, don't be gay. Uh oh, was that gay? Oh gosh, did I creep them out? Did what I just say sound gay?" I really just don't know how to act around men, because Satan keeps twisting the love that I have for men and making it something cheap or unpleasant. I hate having negative thoughts about my brothers. My negative thoughts, however, are not thoughts of hate, on the contrary, they are exaggerated or warped thoughts of love. Love, when twisted, becomes lust. It becomes thinking with your body and no longer thinking with your spirit. A good example is a guy that I met recently. This guy is amazing. He has something about him. My spirit did that same "jump for joy" that it did when I first met D. But now, thanks to many mighty prayers for understanding and help with my thoughts about guys, I can see a bit more clearly through Satan's deceiving thoughts. I used to believe that my first thought was the body's thought...meaning...My first thought (oh gosh, this is going to get embarrassing.) was "oh my, he's got the best smile, he's gorgeous." I now believe that my first thought is actually spiritual "ooooh, I remember this guy! He's got an amazing spirit and he's a great brother and we used to be friends!" but in less than 2 seconds, Satan takes that good, spiritual thought and warps it into something bad. But only if I LET him. I'm just starting to realize that Satan does not have complete control. If I can calm down my body and let my spirit take control I start to realize some great things. This guy I was talking about is super friendly. He is always upbeat. I don't know if he knows God or Jesus, but he needs Jesus in his life because I can only imagine the amazing missionary work that this man could do if he came to a knowledge of God. Satan hates all of those thoughts. So, to keep me from thinking about all the good things and all of the potential this man has (and maybe I can be a good example for him so that he can come to a better knowledge of God) Satan puts the thought there of "oh he's got a cute smile, I like (oh gosh, super embarrassing) his arms. He's got some nice arms (I go for nice arms on a guy...I don't know why...don't judge me!)" and then I get upset because I am thinking bad things about this guy and so then, because I don't want to have those thoughts distracting me, I just avoid this person entirely because I don't want to have to deal with those thoughts. And that is how Satan wins "oh good, another possible wholesome and amazing spiritual connection has been ruined." Does this make sense? I hope this makes sense. Why am I sharing this? I want all of those out there who are struggling with same-sex attraction to know that you are a loving and caring person. You love your brothers (and your sisters!) so much and you are so powerful and strong. You have so much capacity to love that it literally scares Satan. He is scared of you, because you possess such wonderful capacities. So he does anything he can to make you less threatening. So he tells you that the love you are feeling is good and natural. One of Satan's greatest tools is to use partial truths. He LOVES that. The partial truth is that the love you are feeling for someone else IS good and it IS natural. The lie is that sex is love. The reason I haven't explained all of the things I think is because it takes FOREVER and you have to understand procreation and the sacred powers of giving a spirit a body to come to. Women, you can do that. God created life. You are literally able to do something that God does. How sacred is that thought to you!? Men, you help women to create life. There are still spirits up there waiting to get a body, and YOU provide them that chance! Satan, once again, hates everything about that. So, what does he do? Tries to make every possible attempt to not let those spirits have bodies. One way he can do that is by stopping procreation. Satan seems pretty stupid. No one can ever stop procreation. But you know what, he's doing a pretty good job lately. Two men will never make a baby. Ever. Two women will never make a baby. Ever. God intended woman to be with man. They complete each other. Period. So Satan says, "okay, the more men I can get to be with other men (or women and women)the less procreation will take place and the less spirits will come into the world" (he also tells people that being single forever is more fun and that having children is a burden but that is another topic all together, my point is he uses many ways, but homosexuality is ONE of the ways he uses) Make sense? For those of you who I haven't already offended or angered, for those of you who stuck around and are waiting for my point...it is this. There is temptation everywhere. Whether you are tempted to play the lottery or whether you are tempted to give into your body and view pornography, temptation exists everywhere. Sin also exists. Sin and temptation are not the same thing. Temptation is the fork in the road. Sin is one road, the other road is success. My point, friends, is that you can have success. You can choose not to sin. I sin everyday in some form or another, but I also succeed in one form or another. Each day is a battle between good and evil and that battle will take place in the world, but it also takes place in you. The good news is, you have Christ on your side. God commanded Adam and Eve to multiply and replenish the Earth. The wisdom in that is so that spirits, waiting to have a glorious and wonderful body, could be given that chance. God has commanded it for each of us for that same reason and purpose and God does not make exceptions to His rules. I will be able to "multiply and replenish" the Earth. I will be able to give a spirit (probably one of my best friends in the pre-Earth life) a precious little body. I can't wait for the day when I can look into my wife's eyes and smile as we welcome our son into the world, knowing that we, with God's approval and power to create, made this little person. We made him. That will happen one day. I am not exempt from the blessings and commandments of God. He will make it possible. Each of you struggling with a temptation you think you can not overcome; each of you who thinks you can not have a happy life because you have gone too far down the road of sin or because you were just born to be a bad person; you are also not exempt from God's commandments nor His blessings. You can do this! God WANTS you to live the life you are supposed to live! He will provide a way and that way is made possible through Christ. I promise it. I love each of you so much (trust me, it's a talent of mine!!) and I want so much for each and every one reading this to know that I want you to be happy and I know God wants that for you too. Talk to me if you need anything. More importantly, talk to God if you need anything; ANYTHING that will benefit your life God will give it to you! Keep fighting and keep praying and keep being wonderful!!!

Beware of Pride

A few weeks ago, I learned a valuable lesson. I came to realize that pride is, arguably, the most prevalent and most difficult sin. People talk of the seven deadly sins, but pride; pride is the deadliest. There is not one person out there who has not dealt with the ugly sin of pride sometimes even on a daily basis. Pride is so hard to recognize and I think that may be one reason that it is everywhere. There are many forms of pride, but one that I want to talk about, and one that I think the other forms of pride can stem from, is enmity towards God. I've read recently that pride is essentially competitive in nature. One of the definitions of enmity is "a state of opposition to" so when we have enmity towards God, we are in opposition to God. We are putting our will in competition with God's will. I learned this lesson, as I said, a few weeks ago. I have been struggling with something for a very long time and I, for whatever reason, let it get the best of me. I became depressed and in a way that I haven't felt in a long time. I could not see the positive in situations. I could not think about getting out of bed, but I forced myself and just making it through the day was a battle. The reason? I became bitter. I decided that I was too stubborn. I was praying to God one night and I actually said, in my prayer, "Okay, Father. Here's what I would LIKE to do. I would LIKE to get out of bed tomorrow with a lot of energy, get out of bed and study my scriptures (not just read, but STUDY them) then exercise and then go walk around outside the temple and then give service or basically just finish out the day following Christ's example. Here's what I'm GOING to do tomorrow, however. I'm going to ooze out of bed at noon, eat some cereal and watch youtube videos for about 3 hours, take a nap, scroll down Pinterest until I have to go to work, go to work, come home, watch Netflix and scroll down Facebook until 2 AM and then go to bed. Why? Because I'm not strong enough to do what I'd LIKE to do, so I will just do what I usually do. Amen" Worst. Prayer. Ever. I think I was just angry. I was angry at myself for not doing more or being more. I was also angry because God has given me so much and given me so many opportunities to do more and I was essentially saying, "thanks, but no thanks. I'll just be content to do the very minimal, if that" I also stopped asking for things in my prayers because I felt that I didn't deserve anything and that if I asked for something, I would receive an answer, but do nothing with that answer, if that makes sense. For example, I would ask for help with keeping my mind clean and focused on uplifting things, but then when the prompting would come to turn off a show that I "love" I wouldn't turn off that show, EVEN though I had JUST asked for help, I denied that help when it came. So much pride. The obvious pride came from the fact that I would not listen to God and follow what He prompted me to do because, you know, CLEARLY I know better than God does, right? But here's why pride is so tricky. It disguises itself as false humility. "I feel bad that God is doing so much for me (which is true, and recognizing His kindness is a good thing) and I'm not doing enough in return, therefore I can't ask God for more things because that is just rude." (which is not what God wants. He wants you to include Him in all aspects and ask Him for His advice and for things) But it depends on what you are asking God for. Asking God for help is NEVER a bad thing. I was too proud to ask for help. True humility came when I knelt down and asked, first for forgiveness for being such a bitter jerk, but second, when I asked for help, knowing that God does more for me than I can ever do for myself. I wouldn't recommend it, but going 2 weeks without asking God for anything is awful. Again, it depends on what you are asking God for. "God, I need a lot of money, if you could make that happen, it would be great, thanks" or, "God, I want that cute vest I saw at the mall today, can you get it for me?" Even asking for good things, without putting in the effort is still an ineffective prayer, "Father, I need guidance and I need help with patience," and then 2 minutes later you are flipping off the driver in front of you for going too slow instead of recognizing the opportunity to have patience that God is giving you. This is your answer to a prayer and how did you respond to that? Not asking for anything is prideful. It's prideful because I felt like, 'well, I'm not going to listen to God's answers anyways and I would feel rude asking for things, when I know I'm not going to listen anyways, so I'm just not going to ask for anything and that way I won't hurt God when I don't follow the answers I get from Him" How illogical. Where does that leave me: alone. It leaves me to fend for myself which is so very prideful. I can do it, I make the rules, I make decisions, I, I, I. I didn't realize that I was putting my will in competition with God's will. The best thing to do is to pray for help and then FOLLOW what God says to do! And yes, that is hard to do, because we have so many things pulling for our attention and the second we watch that PG-13 movie that we wanted to watch instead of spending time with a friend who may need our help, that is when we show pride. Set aside pride and do something that might be uncomfortable to you, but it is what God has asked (go to lunch with your friend) instead of doing what is comfortable but will have no real value to you. (stay inside and watch 'Orange is the New Black' on Netflix for 2 and a half hours)I'm pretty sure that at least two of the 12 steps in addiction recovery programs are to let go and let God and recognize that you have a problem. They deal directly with pride. They tell you that you are not the most important person, God is. You, of yourself, can do nothing, but with God, you can do anything. You can not do anything with pride in your heart. It is crippling. We know the obvious forms of pride (thinking you are better than others, thinking far too much of yourself and thinking you know everything or that you are freaking amazing) but can we see the subtle pride creeping into our lives? (not willing to say you are sorry because you feel like you've done nothing wrong? Thinking that your sins are too bad for Christ to heal you? Not saying thank you to either God for His chastisement, or to others for pointing out something you could do to solve a problem that maybe has worked for them, even if it didn't work for you?) A scary challenge for you is to pray for humbling experiences. You will receive them. Pray for help in recognizing pride in yourself and situations during the day where you were prideful. The irony is, God WILL show you situations where you are prideful, you just have to be HUMBLE enough to want to change in those times. It's great if I can pray for opportunities to be humble, but if later that day I'm asked to work late to help a co-worker who is not feeling well and I say no because, "I've worked just as hard as her, I deserve to go home and relax in front of the t.v." I can almost guarantee that the opportunities to find humility in my life will be given to me less and less. In every situation you are given, think "who is this serving? Is it serving me or is it serving God?" What's great is that sometimes it is both. It is serving you and God. And once you can see that, you will realize, probably slowly at first, that it's not sometimes, but all the time. God is ALWAYS serving your best interest. He is ALWAYS wanting you to be happy. You just mistake 'pleasure' for 'happiness'. Which is a concept I never really thought about before. I get to this place where I think, God doesn't want me to have fun or enjoy _____ (whatever ______ is.) Really, God is just teaching me a better way. I am still prideful. We all are. It's not something easy to get over. In summary, I have a very ridiculous, but true example of pride: I LOVE the song, 'Problem' by Ariana Grande. I love it. I love listening to it and I love dancing like an idiot to it whenever I get the chance. God has posed the question to me, multiple times, "Brent, what does this song do for you? Does it help you realize your infinite worth like the song 'Gold' by Britt Nicole? Does it make you want to go out and serve others like the song 'I could be the one' by Stacie Orrico inspires you to do? Do you feel good or uplifted when listening to it?" It's pretty embarrassing to analyze and realize that the only reason I like that song is for a couple of reasons. 1: Ariana Grande is gorgeous and her voice is like a thousand tiny angels flying from her vocal chords. (yes, God gave her a wonderful voice, but I guarantee you I am not thinking about Heavenly Father's gifts that he gives people when I am listening to her sing) This is, essentially, putting someone before God. I am kind of, in a small degree, worshiping her, not God when I'm listening to the song. 2:I like the song because I can blast in my car with the windows down and my sunglasses on and when I drive by people they will think 'Oh man, he's listening to that song with his sunglasses on and his windows down: what a cool guy' SOOOO embarrassing, but I have LITERALLY thought this. Pride. and 3: I like the beat. But why do I like the beat? This is where it gets hard and you have to REALLY analyze. What are you honestly thinking about? Seriously though: when you are watching "the office" what are you thinking about? Are you thinking, "I love my parents, I'm so blessed to have them in my life?" are you thinking "Wow, God really has given me such a beautiful world to live in" Perhaps you are thinking, "This is just like when Christ healed that blind man or when he told his disciples to come and follow him" In reality, you are probably thinking absolutely nothing. I'm being honest, you are probably not thinking about anything. That is why we (myself included!) like to 'relax' in front of the T.V. because we can shut down and do absolutely nothing. I give the example of that song and of that T.V. show because they are two things that I really enjoy. I'm prideful. I could be listening to, viewing, or participating in much more wholesome, worthwhile activities, but I don't. Because I love my song too much. Because I love my show too much. And I need to repent. I need to try harder. You can too. Try it this week. Go ahead. Try not listening to a song you really love...better yet: Analyze what T.V. show you are currently hooked on. Why do you like 'Pretty Little Liars?' Does 'Breaking Bad' teach me to serve others or am I really just thinking about nothing when I'm watching it? Try and get rid of a little bit of pride this week... and you know what, I'm going to not listen to 'Problem' once next week (can't say that this week because it's Tuesday and I've already listened to it at least four times) So, if you see me next week, go ahead, make me accountable for my pride. Keep me in check! And I'll humbly accept your loving advice on what YOU do in your life to keep pride away. Oh, and if you need me to keep you accountable for something, let me know. To close, let us look to the Savior, Jesus Christ, as our example in all things, but here in humility. Christ suffered and died for each of us. Would he rather have done something for himself? Had he been prideful, he might have. But we learn a great lesson from St. Matthew Chapter 26 and verse 39, "and he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt." Christ put God's will before his and Christ was blessed. Not with riches, not with popularity, but with God's gifts. We may not be blessed with popularity, money, or pleasures. That does not mean we won't be blessed with a clear mind, a greater love for a daughter, a mother, or a friend, a beautiful sunset or a quiet moment of peace. If we humble ourselves, we will receive all the blessings God would have for us to receive. I'm going to work on it, and I will pray for all of you out there who are working on it too, because I know how hard it is and I love you and want you each to be blessed as well.

"For whom the Lord loveth, he chasteneth.."

Okay. I really needed a chastening this week. For the past few days I've been feeling like I have been slipping. I looked at old photos of my 'past life' and felt the longing to go back. I've been falling back into habits that I once thought I was rid of and I even had the thought, "What's the point? Why are you still even trying at this point? Why do you still even care? Give up." I have felt the need to surrender to the gloom that has been building inside of me. I tried desperately this week to do anything to bring the spirit into my life. I think I went to Deseret Book 4 times this week just to feel like I was in a good place and to feel some sense of peace. I read messages from the prophets, I've sang hymns when feelings of gloom or temptation set in, I've tried talking myself up, "you're okay! You are an amazing person, and the devil just wants to make you feel sad so that he can say he has won. Keep fighting, you can do it!", I have tried to call people, I've tried buying things for myself and also for others in hopes that making someone else smile would make me feel better, I've even had to force a smile a few days this week because I was just so mad at myself and at my situation. Why? Why did I do all of these things? Why am I telling them to you now? It is not, however it may sound, to signify how wonderful I am or how much I think of others or how much good I do. (I actually tend to focus on how much BAD I do, rather than what good things I have done.) The reason I tried doing all of these things is because I love the Lord. I love my God and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I feel peace when I do what is right. I feel joy when I serve others and can forget about my own self for two seconds! I feel safety when I know that I am in places where I should be and when I am doing the things I know that I should be doing. I think I was just scared. I was scared this week. I don't like darkness. I've been there. I've been in places where it feels like the light of Christ has been all but snuffed out. I hated it. And I felt a little bit of that this week. Sadness can take a frighteningly speedy spiral downwards if it is not quickly recognized and corrected. The words of an ancient prophet from the Americas named Nephi come to my mind and have been the thoughts of my heart for the past few days, "O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins...." (1st book of Nephi; chapter 4 verses 17-19 I have been sad because I haven't been good enough. Because I haven't done enough and because my heart isn't in the right place. I can not go on. I can not keep fighting and I can not take another step. Nephi continues, "my heart groaneth because of my sins: nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; he hath led me through afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh...Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night time." Tonight, my parents and I watched 'Ephraim's rescue': a movie about pioneers who crossed plains and deserts and streams and rivers and snow and ice through unbelievable circumstances: losing loved ones, giving up all of their wealth and social status, succumbing to frost bite, being belittled and persecuted by men and women who should have been their brothers and sisters in the spirit. It was an amazing story and my mom commented that "it's been said that the pioneers would look at our day and think 'I couldn't do that' while we sit here and watch what the pioneers went through and think, 'I couldn't do that" and I explained what I had felt during the film and in watching the pioneers struggles. Part 1: The trials are different, but the test of faith is the same. There is an amazing story of a man who was involved in one of the handcart companies that had to pull all that they owned with them in a handcart many, many miles to get to their final destination. He said something that I have pondered all throughout the movie "I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up for I cannot pull the load through it..." Many years later, I still say the same thing. I tell myself, even this very week have I told myself, "I must give up for I cannot pull the load..." A few mornings this week I just wanted to stay in bed, fearing I could not face the day and fight another battle. My struggles are different than yours are. My struggles are different from the pioneers. But struggle is universally known and experienced by all. There seems to be an unending supply of heartaches and sorrows to go around; for everyone to face. Part 2: Hope comes through faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ and in Repentance and the cleansing effect of the Savior's love and his healing powers. There is one part in the movie 'Ephraim's Rescue' where a young man is given a blessing of health and comfort. He had given up his shoes because they were basically no longer shoes anymore and had walked in snow for so long that frostbite had set in and his feet were bloodied and blackened from the severity of the frostbite. Ephraim gives this young man a blessing and says something to the effect that, "even though they are black, your feet will work again" and the thought came to me of my life, my heart and my soul. "even though it is black, your soul will work again. Even though it was black, your heart will work again." I spent so much time in blackness and in darkness. I think that is what was getting to me this week was the memory of that darkness and I worried that I would go back to that. But what I didn't consider was the lesson God was trying to teach. In the book of Hebrews in the Bible we read, "For whom the Lord loveth, he chaseneth..." (Hebrews Chapter 12 verse 6) Job knew the meaning of these words. He lost everything and was told to curse God and die. But Job said, "I know that my redeemer liveth...he knoweth the way that I take:when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." (Job chapter 19 verse 25 and chapter 23 verse 10) My God loves me. He wants me to succeed. He wants me to learn and to grow. The only way I am going to learn and grow is if I can be tested. How can I ever know the peace that comes from doing what is right if I have not tasted of the fear and unsurety that comes from doing what is wrong. The only way that I know joy comes in serving others is because I've felt the unhappiness that comes when I am self-centered and self-serving. I feel safety in doing what is good and I know what safety feels like because I have witnessed for myself the very soul harrowing fear and terror that comes from not knowing if you are safe. It is truly dark and terrifying, but I experienced that terror and now...now I know what light and what happiness TRULY comes from being clean, following God, and listening to Christ! I can not describe how dark my life was but I also can not find words to describe how happy and blessed I am today. I had to say some major, "I'm sorry's" to my Heavenly Father for my pride and my selfishness this week! I forgot how blessed I am. I forgot how much God loves me. He loves me so much that He sends trials to me so that I can remember exactly how much He loves me. That might not make sense. But I felt pretty crappy this week and then God sent me that movie to remind me that, "Brent, you CAN go on, you can keep going and you can keep fighting." I quoted a man earlier and a story he told, he finishes his thought by saying, "...I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up for I cannot pull the load through it. I have gone to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me! I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the Angels of God were there. “Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No! Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company.” I can not pull the load...but I don't have to. Jesus has said, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (St. Matthew chapter 11 verses 28-30) Christ will pull your load. Let him help you. I can not do this life on my own; I just can't. Thankfully, I don't have to. My heart is turned, now, to a few particular souls (none of whom will read this, I am ALMOST sure...but the Lord works in mysterious ways so I can not say I am fully sure they will not read this)...my heart is turned to a few particular souls who I feel may not feel like they have the courage to come back to church. Maybe they don't want to come back to church, but maybe they just want to come back to the light and happiness that IS part of living the teachings of Christ. They are afraid. There is too much to give up and they have done too much and are in far too deep for them to ever change that around. I wish with all of my heart that I could divulge the amount of things that I "gave up" or the exact changes that I made in my life, but I can not go into detail. I won't because it pains me too much to think of the things I used to do. I will say a few things though: the day I received the warning voice of the Lord telling me I needed to repent and change my ways, I remember saying, "But how? I will have to leave my partner of 6 years. I will have to explain to all of my friends what I've done and I will lose friends. My partner and I have an apartment, where will he live? Where will I live? How can I afford it? What will my family and everyone close to me think? I will have to break my partner's poor heart. I can't do it. There's too much involved." I tell you with all truthfulness that God spoke to me. I did not see Him, but the words were clear, "Trust me." I broke my partner's heart. I changed my number so as to not receive any more texts from him. I shut down all sites that I used to frequent that had anything to do with same gender attraction and "dating" I shut down my Facebook to rid myself of all of the friends in my life who made me feel unclean, unhappy, and unChristian. I also shut down my Facebook so that I didn't have all of the memories of when I was so young and foolish and unholy. I gave up tea and coffee (I still sigh a little when I walk by the iced Starbucks vanilla coffee at Wal-Mart). I gave up R-rated movies (and actually have turned off a few PG-13 movies) I moved back in with my parents and at 28 years old, felt like one of those losers who lives in their parents basement until they are 35 and I was so worried about all of the social stereotypes associated with single, 30 somethings still living with their parents. I lost friends, a comfy home with happy memories of times spent with my best friend and partner, a pet who I still miss terribly and many more things. But what have I gained? I have true happiness. I have friends who make me smile and who make me laugh, not because of off-color jokes or irreverent talk but because they are uplifting and because they make me feel better that I am me and that it's okay to have standards of morality even if some of these friends don't fully understand ("wait...so...like you don't drink coffee at all? That's so weird, but whatever!" Haha) I lost some friends, but I got my family back. I had chosen, by my actions, to separate myself from my family. I could not feel clean or comfortable around them. Now I do...most of the time (still working on that sometimes) I gained 2 beautiful nieces and 2 very handsome nephews who mean more to me than any thing that used to hold importance to me in my old life. I have peace every Sunday when I listen to the hymns. I gained a relationship with my Father in Heaven that means more to me than any R-rated movie, unwholesome song lyric, coffee, foul language, or sexual relation could ever offer me. I smile so very much more than I used to and I gained clarity, love, comfort, hope, understanding, patience, and maybe 500 more things that I just can't think about right now because it's late and I should be in bed! But my point is...repent. Be brave and make that change. Choose to be happy again. Choose to come back home. It's so worth it. I know I didn't start off this post making it sound like it's worth it, but that is my very point. The reason I keep doing these good things even when it is hard and even when the world seems so much more "worth it" than being above the world and it's teachings; the reason is because what I have gained is so much more than what I have "given up" I would rather give up foul language than give up on being truly safe. I would rather give up an r-rated movie than give up one moment without the comfort of Christ. In "giving up" the "fun things" in life and in obeying the "rules" of the church, I have found more freedom and happiness than I ever thought would be possible. It is possible. I love you, my friends, please come back. I'll be here for you! And here are a few things that make me happy: my nieces and nephews, my good friends, standing in holy places like the temple, being modest in dress and in speech and in action, spending time with my dad and mom (I already put a picture of my mom up and this was all I could find of my dad and I! Haha)...and I was going to put a picture of food, but that happiness has always been happiness at ALL times of my life. :)