So today in church we read and discussed M. Russell Ballard's talk from April 2021 General Conference "Hope in Christ." There was so much I wanted to share in class, but didn't know how to articulate my words and I also didn't know if...I didn't want to make others uncomfortable by bringing up my same-gender attraction. In his talk he mentions the Mayo Clinic (which I'm guessing is not a clinic for those in condiment rehabilitation) and how they did a report that says "Having a sense of belonging is so important...we cannot separate the importance of a sense of belonging from our physical and mental health" I don't feel like I belong. I've felt this way for a very long time. When I was in the church and active I didn't feel like I belonged, when I was out of the church and living a gay lifestyle, I didn't feel like I belonged. I don't feel like I fit anywhere except work. I LOVE working, because I know a thing or two about grilling and I know a thing or two about food. (I am food's biggest fan.) So I love going to work because I know I am making some sort of contribution and maybe even making a difference for people. Aside from work though, I feel lost and alone and like I don't belong.
I think a reason for this is because of something that M. Russell Ballard says, "Each of us is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents. This is our identity! This is who we really are!" I believe this to be true. But there is a heavy amount of cognitive dissonance in the fact that I am gay. This is my identity. This is who I really am. I believe this to be true as well. So what I am dealing with every day of my life, is trying to put these two together. It is impossible. I feel that I can not be a gay son of God. I can not have a boyfriend and a relationship with a man and share my testimony about how I know the Book of Mormon is the word of God. I can not keep covenants in the temple and be my true son of God self, and act on feelings of attraction to another man. It simply can not be done. So...I don't fit.
I do not fit among the gays who constantly tell me that the church is toxic and evil. They are so angry at God and at the church and at bishops and members and there is so much hatred. I do not fit with them, because I do not feel that way. I have almost never hated the church. I do not feel that the church is evil, because I do not feel that God is evil and I know that God brought back all of His teachings and principles and used the church as a means to do that. God's teachings are pure, they are correct, and they are true. It is when we hand those principles off to men to decide what is meant by these principles and teachings that things become confusing, muddy, and at some times, inaccurate. But I digress and this is not a cross-examination for gay men to plead with them to change their minds about the church. Their hatred and distrust for the church and, in turn, for God can not be changed through any amount of debate. I must add here that not all gay men are this way, just as not all members of the church are ignorant or uncomfortable in regards to homosexuality and same-gender attraction. It has just been my experience that most of those whom I have met that have left the church, whether they are gay or not, are angry, bitter, resentful, and hateful towards the church and even towards God and I wish that would change, but I do not know their history of trauma or their struggle and so I can not judge the resulting wrath or contempt they may feel.
I do not fit among the faithful Christians in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I may meet a guy who I find attractive and we may go on a date and after the date, we may kiss (I doubt this will happen, because I also have found that most gay men, including myself, have lost what it means to be in a real relationship and only know hook-up culture and all of the toxic parts that go along with it. The church is toxic? Let's examine Grindr for a half a minute. Again, I digress.) If he and I kiss or go any further than that, I now can no longer give blessings. I can not speak in church about the things that I have studied that week in the scriptures. I can not have a calling in the church. I am no longer able to take the sacrament. Essentially I have kissed my way out of most of the church, literally. That leaves me feeling ashamed of trying to find some sort of male connection that might make me happy, because now I feel guilty that I can't stand in the circle at my nephew's confirmation. So not only do I not fit in at church, but I also feel like I don't fit in with my family or that I don't belong there. Luckily for me, my family has made me feel like I belong. There was a time when my family didn't understand what being gay meant. They didn't understand and so there was a time when I didn't feel like I belonged in my family. I still feel like I don't belong sometimes when I am with extended family and I don't really know why.
And so, I don't fit. I don't belong. I'm lonely in this aspect. M. Russell Ballard continues, "I speak of hope in Christ...hope is essential to overcoming adversity, fostering spiritual resilience and strength, and coming to know that we are loved by our Eternal Father and that we are His children, who belong to his family." This is hard for me to believe and I have a hard time trusting that my Father in Heaven still loves me when I do things I'm not supposed to, but mostly I want to focus more on what Pres. Ballard says next, "When we have hope in Christ, we come to know that as we need to make and keep sacred covenants, our fondest desires and dreams can be fulfilled." ...I have concerns. I have questions. I have LOTS of thoughts on this. When I was young I think my desire was to become a pie maker. When I was a teenager I wanted to become an actor. When I came home from my mission, I just wanted to be normal; to have a wife and a son. When I realized the desire to have a wife and a son may never happen for me, my greatest desire was to die. When I decided to come back to church after about 9 years of being out of the church, it was so that I could have a son. My desires have changed. My desire now? I have a lot of them (some of which have come true! I have desired so strongly to have a place of my own and to have a job that I love doing) One of my desires is to find someone who loves me and I love them. Someone who will take me out on a date and make me feel like I am the most exciting person in their lives and who I feel that same way about. I don't desire sex. I desire companionship. I desire a best friend (who is cute and wealthy, but that's maybe asking a bit much) who can't wait to text me in the morning and see what I'm doing. Someone who can lay next to me in bed and we don't have to say a word, we don't even need to touch! Just someone there, who makes me feel safe and loved and acknowledged in a way that I haven't felt in a very long time. Oh, and also, I desire that person to be male. I have no desire to be with a woman. When I dream, my fondest dream is not a woman, but a caring, moral, spiritual, funny MAN. Here's the problem with my dreams and desires in the context of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I need to change my desires and stop dreaming. Because I can't be going to the temple and keeping covenants in order to find a guy of my dreams. Which leads to the question "so, then are my REAL desires a woman and I just am not going to the temple enough or reading scriptures enough or praying enough to make my real desires manifest?" No wonder I'm seeing a therapist. I can't think too hard on anything or I will become ashamed, depressed, resentful, and ultimately give up. I've been there before, I can not go there again.
President Dallin H. Oaks explained that some of the circumstances "of mortality will be set right in the Millennium, which is the time for fulfilling all that is incomplete in the great plan of happiness for all of our Father's worthy children." This tells me that my circumstances in this life are not right, because I am not desiring a wife, but that I need not worry, because those "will be set right in the Millennium" A lot of gay kids and teenagers may think, "well, I can't wait that long for me to be normal and for my circumstances to be made right" and they kill themselves in hopes of fast tracking it to this Millennium when they will be made right. I feel like I can't kill myself, for a couple of reasons, so in my case I just have to wait. M. Russell Ballard goes on to say, "Waiting upon the Lord does not imply biding one's time. You should never feel like you are in a waiting room." ....ooookay, so what happens when that is EXACTLY how I feel. I should make a side note here that is related to this. Some of you reading this may think that having a boyfriend or being in a gay relationship is all I think about or is all I want. This is not true. I also want to be healthy. I would like to wake up in the morning and not feel tired still. (how can you sleep and then wake up to feel like you need to sleep again?!) I still have desires to be an actor (specifically a voice actor.. so if any of you know anyone....just saying.) I have other things I think about that a relationship, but this blog post and this lesson today wasn't about fulfilling my dream of becoming a voice actor or how I can find the motivation to work out when I'm still getting over Co-vid symptoms that I had two years ago. Perhaps I should write a blog about finding motivation and being healthy, but that is not this blog. I am also not saying I am not blessed or that I have not received many other desires. As I have already mentioned, I have a beautiful townhome that is all my own (I mean, I'm renting, but you get what I mean) and I have a job that is so great. I have a wonderful family who loves me, I have friends that care about me, and I have food in my home and clothes to wear. I have a lot of good things in my life. I feel that this should be shared with those gay kids and teenagers who feel like they have nothing to live for. There are still so many things to live for. You matter and you make a difference in other's lives. There is a difference between the thought, "I need to kill myself, to get this amazing Millennium I hear about in conference and then all will be right and I will be HAPPY." and the thought, "I can be happy in some things now, I just need to wait around until the Millennium and then I will be made RIGHT" I mean, both are pretty depressing ways to look at things, but I tend to think in the latter. I have lots of things that are blessings in my life and I have a few times when I am actually happy, it's just in regards to this ONE desire of having a companion, a best friend, a love of my life, that I feel I don't have and that I have to wait until the Millennium to receive. It's hard to wait that long. How are those who are widowed or who are single do it? How do you keep going day after day until this Millennium (which may never even come in my lifetime. It may be 100 or 500 years from now) comes and things will be made right? I guess one way is to serve others. You lose yourself when you give it to others in service. You stop thinking about your own hardships or challenges, your own losses, when you serve others. But it's hard to give service to others when it's 9 pm and you just got home from a long work day and you are sad that there is no one waiting there for you to say, "hey how was your day? Sit with me on the couch and we'll watch a show together."
This is a really long post. I just have so many thoughts on today's lesson at church. I try not to think too much into anything, because then I get depressed or have an anxiety attack, but I have a meeting with my bishop in a few hours and I'm pretty sure I'll be excommunicated again and then I will REALLY feel like I don't belong anywhere. I guess that is why I posted this and why this lesson hit me so hard today is because...bottom line, to make a long post shorter (or longer however you look at it)..
I love this church. I love my Savior Jesus Christ. I love singing the Hymns, I believe in the principle of paying tithes and that it blesses the lives of others and your own life. I know that both the bible and the book of Mormon are the word of God and that a person can get nearer to God by reading them each day. I know that Jesus suffered for me and I definitely know that repentance is a real principle of the gospel that I have exercised countless numbers of times. But I'm also gay. I want a relationship with a male that will involve, at some point, a physical relationship. So, where do I fit in? Where do I belong?
I know there are others out there who feel like I feel. What have you done? How do you find a place for yourself?
