So...whatever happened to that Brent guy? Did he get his "car" back? did he die? Is he still in Narnia? Well, here's the thing. I'm still here. Life has been completely crazy and I have started writing my new blog post many a time, but have never been able to commit myself to that much time. I mean, that x-box isn't going to play itself...anyways, here is part of my story that I wrote about 6 months ago..yeah..it's been that long, and then I will continue after it to update some more...
well, I needed to write this down so i could remember it, but i'm much faster at typing than at writing. Last Thursday (April 6, 2017) night I closed at work, so I went to bed at around 3 a.m. The next morning at about 8:30 I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize and because of that and the fact that I was dead tired, I didn't answer. Then I got another call immediately after from President Checketts (my stake president) so I decided THAT call I DID need to answer. He told me that Elder Craig Cook of the seventy wanted to meet with me and what time and day would work! So I ran into my parent's room and asked my mom what my schedule was like. She said Wednesday and The Stake President said he would call Elder Cook's assistant and see. He said, "okay, will 3:00 Wednesday work?" I worked until 2 that day so it would be pushing it, but this is not the kind of appointment you want to reschedule! So I said yes, humg up, and thought I would just figure something out. Then I remembered that my manager had adjusted my schedule so I checked Wednesday and it actually had been changed to 1:45 (tender mercy, my mom said) So I made sure to tell my boss, Eric, that I would need to be off at 1:30 for the single most important meeting of my life. I had to explain why and gave him my car analogy (it's on my blog.) So I left work, got home, showered, and headed with my parents down to Salt Lake. We picked up my Stake President down there because we needed him to get through church security. A legit security guard asked us for our names and we told him who we were there to meet with. He let us in and gave us a parking pass. We walked in and as we were walking in, the Stake President was telling me and showing me all of the apostle's cars. (a lot of them prefer highlanders...anyways) so then we walked in and Elder Bednar followed in behind us!!! He's shorter in person. He said hello to us and my mom said hello back. Then we talked to the receptionist who also got our names and told us that we were good to go. We walked down a hallway and took a left and nearly bumped into Elder Quentin Cook of the 12 apostles! That's when my Stake President said, 'I think we're in the wrong hall.' so we went back to the original hallway and took an elevator up and met Elder Cook's (seventy, not 12 apostle Cook) assistant. She then introduced us to Elder Cook. He was very soft spoken and super kind. My parents, my Stake President and I went into his office where he talked to us for a minute. He said that it was a highly unusual case for parents to come along, but that they got special approval from the first presidency for them to be there. (looking back...I think it was so my parents could have a spiritual experience and because of all the pain I had caused them and all of the pain that they had seen me go through, they needed that experience about as much as I did.) Then Elder Cook took me into another room that looked like a board room for meetings. Along the one wall were paintings. One of the Savior and the woman taken in adultery. One of a leper being healed by the Savior, another one with the woman with the issue of blood who touched Christ's robe. It meant something to me because I was one of those people. I was glad that these men of God met around this table, with these images to help remind them of the broken sinners or those who were not whole who were made whole by Christ and were given a second chance at life. So Elder Cook asked how I was feeling and I told him I was diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder and that if my words were choppy and all over the place it's because I was nervous. He said, 'this isn't supposed to be a scary thing, though it is a very important thing.' I also shared with him how I hoped that he could see my honesty. That is something I really am glad I have and that I try to be honest and genuine with everything i say. I didn't want him to think I was just saying a bunch of nice words or nice things that were all fluff and no substance. He asked me what I had learned from this long and challenging experience. That is always a hard question to answer because how can I explain all the tears and the fear and the change and the growth and the experiences i've been through the past 6 or 7 years in a few moments or words? i shared that basically everything was more. What I meant by that is that everything that I have gone through has strengthened my testimony. I have more compassion for others who struggle. I have more love for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I have more insight into what repentance truly is and what the process may take. Just more. Everything in my life was more because of the things I went through. He then asked some other questions and my Stake President came in to confirm some of the things that I has been saying. Then Elder Cook asked me, "do you feel you have been forgiven?" This was a really hard question. He said I could take some time to think about it while he and my stake president discussed some other things. So I went out to the lobby of his office and prayed. "God, Thou knowest me... God, You know that I am extremely hard on myself and I, of course, don't feel like I'm ready or that I am a good person who is clean and forgiven. I will probably tell them I need more time, but God....You know me better than I know me. Am I okay?" I didn't receive an answer...I thought about when I was deciding whether or not to serve a mission and I asked God if I should and received no answer. I remembered that in that situation, I had to decide, "okay, I'm going on a mission." and then I prayed to receive confirmation that my choice was good. Only then did I get a confirmation that was I was about to do was right. So I closed my eyes and said, "God, I think I have worked a lot to get here and I pray that I am forgiven and that I can look at myself as clean...that I can go before Elder Cook and tell him that I am ready to move forward. Is that okay?"
(that's as far as I got in my writing)
I then had the thought, "Brent, you could tell them you need more time, and then wait in fear for another unknown amount of time, suffering anxiety and unsurity. Or you could try and live the gospel as best you can and see if that works for you. I think it will." So I went back into the meeting room and Elder Cook asked, "so what are your thoughts?" and I told him what had just occurred in the lobby. I then told him, "I'm clean. I'm ready." He looked and me and said, 'I feel the same way. So does your stake president. With your confirmation, I think we are ready to bring you back into the church and fully restore all of your previous blessings." I finally got my "car" back! I began to cry and asked if I could give him a hug! He said yes and I cried and hugged him and then my stake president. We all went back into his office where my parents were, impatiently, waiting for the news. I told them and they both began to cry so I started crying again. I hugged them and then I sat down to receive all of my blessings back. I am choosing not to disclose information on how that process happens because it is quite sacred to me. I can say that there is just a strong, strong feeling of love. So for those of you who are inactive or are no longer with the church but feel a longing to come back, please come. You may think it is too scary or that people will be mad with you...and maybe some people will. Maybe some people will not be willing to forgive your actions while you were inactive from the church or when you were living against the church. But I can promise you with a 100 percent guarantee that God will never be angry with you. He loves you and will accept you with love and joy if you are willing to come to Him in sincerity.
One thing that was said to me by Elder Cook as I left was "every day is a new day." I love that. I have still tried to keep that in my mind, especially when I make mistakes, I still make them. I am human. Just by getting all of the blessings back that I had previously not had, does not mean that I am perfect. A lot has happened in the six months since. I will probably share some of them with you later, but I just want to say that the road I took to get to where I was on April 6, 2017 was not an easy one. It was not quick and it was not always pleasant, but it was WORTH IT. Please come back to church. Please repent and live each day new. You are clean every morning when you wake up and every night when you go to sleep if you will ask for forgiveness with real sincerity and keep trying to do good things. I love this church so much and am so grateful that this chapter of my life has come to a close. That does not mean that I am not going to continue to be converted to the Lord. I have to be converted again every day. You can too. I can try and help in any way I can, because I love you and want to see you happy as well, because we should all be happy!!
