Count Your Many Blessings... (alternative title: I'm working on that...)

I had originally started a different post today, but was interrupted by two of the cutest girls in my life. I was a little agitated, because I wanted to get this post written and then take a nap, but I also had had a really bad night last night and a tough morning and God said, 'you need to serve others and put them before yourself.' So I got off the computer and did puzzles with my one niece while the other one poked my ears and 'honked' my nose and said, 'ewww, so many boogers' and then laughed at her own hilarious joke. As I got on to finish this post, 7 hours later, I decided on a completely different topic. I was going to share my fears and my hardships of last night and of this morning, but all I'm going to say on that is that last night I had a lot of fear that filtered into this morning and I had to have a really honest, open conversation with God and had to ask Him for help. "I can't do this" was a main theme of my fears. I'm right, though. I can't do this. At least not on my own. Thankfully, I don't have to do this on my own. I have God and He has given me Christ. He's also given me a multitude of other blessings. (my nieces being two of those blessings) Spencer W. Kimball said, "Journals are a way of counting our blessings and of leaving an inventory of these blessings for our posterity.”  Since this blog is one of my journals, (in fact, it's one of the only ones I'm semi-good at keeping) It's hard to begin a list of blessings. I could name the obvious ones: a nice home to be in, food on the table, and clothes on my back, a car to drive, a job, money, food....I'm REAL thankful for food. But my list of blessings extends far beyond that. I don't JUST have a job. I have a job that I love going to. How many people can say that they love going into work. Even on those days when I don't really feel like going into work, I get inside and the smiles and the, "hey Brent"s that I get put me into a better mood and I wonder why I ever felt like not going into work.

I have been given an amazing family who loves me and who loves each other. I've heard of daughters who 'divorce' their parents, fathers who disown sons, brothers who fight over a grudge that neither of them can remember, and I think of how blessed I am to have a family who enjoys being around one another. Not just my direct family, but my extended family. I know people who haven't ever MET some of their cousins. I know all of mine and most of their children...I'm still working on that part. My uncle is my hero. My Grandma is my delight. My cousins each hold pieces of my heart. The support that my family gives to me is mind-blowing. It's humbling to know that not only do they take an interest in me, but they pray for me, fast for me, and fight for me. They love me and I only pray that I can love them as much.

I have been blessed with the most amazing group of friends. I really, and quite legitimately, don't understand them. I don't understand why they come visit me at work...some of them don't even like burgers! (I work at a burger place, for those who are confused) I don't understand why they pay close attention to little things I say and then remember to ask me about them later or they will remark about how they liked what I had said about something that I didn't even think anyone was listening to. (sometimes, I just like to hear myself talk, so it freaks me out when other people like to hear me talk as well) I have a group of 'bros' who don't care about my past or about my same-gender attraction; to them I'm just 'one of the bros' and I don't understand that! I sometimes feel like I'm SUPER awkward around them and I sometimes worry I'm going to say something 'gay' or slip up and show my true excitement for a movie musical that will make them all think, 'oooookay, so who's gonna tell him not to be seen around us anymore?' But then I spend a few minutes around them and I feel so loved and accepted that those fears go away (most times...still working on that) I have one friend that is so dear to me that it makes my heart ache with joy that she is in my life. Her laugh is pretty much my number one favorite sound in the world. She cares so deeply for everyone in her life and is such a good friend to everyone that it makes me feel like the worst friend ever! I look to her as my example of how to be a good friend. I look to all of this group as my example of how to be a true friend.

I have been blessed with one truly, very special friend. I'm preeeeetttty sure most people know who I'm talking about. She doesn't care about who I was; only who I am now and more importantly who I'm becoming. I miss her when she is not around. She brings peace to my soul and clarity to my confusion. I only have to be around her for about 6 seconds for all of my fears to completely go away. She's beautiful and I'm not just talking about looks (she got a haircut that is super foxy) but her entire being is beautiful. Her soul and spirit is so attractive. She continues to restore my faith in people and is making it seem okay for me to maybe trust in someone. When so many others have left, she remains (and I really don't know why.) I'm just waiting for the day when I say something stupid or when I do something that is going to be too much for her to handle and she will walk away and leave me. So far, that hasn't happened yet and I keep praying it won't because I need her too much. I love her and have been blessed to have her in my life.

Some other things I've been blessed with. I've been blessed with tests in my life. Tests that have made me, and even those around me, better people. I'm blessed to have a love for everyone. I really love everyone. Having said this...I recently have started feeling anger towards some people. It's new and I don't like it. I've never felt this way and I'm working on finding that innate love that I used to have for everyone. That has always been a talent God has blessed me with and it is something I fear I'm losing. I've been jaded by past experiences that have left me wondering if it's even worth it to love people if they just let you down or leave your life. I'm learning that some people were only meant to be in your life for a certain amount of time to teach you something or for you to teach them something and once that lesson has been learned, they move on, but leave those imprints and those lessons in your life and you or they are a better person because of it. (You can start singing 'For Good' now...I'll wait...)  I'm learning that I need to forgive those people for not loving me in the way that I wanted to be loved. I know that sounds weird, conceded, awful, or unfair and maybe it's confusing and doesn't even make sense to you. But I need to realize that everyone has weaknesses and that everyone needs forgiveness. I need it, so I must be willing to show it to others. I've spent too much time being angry with those who don't show as much love as I wanted them to or who aren't there as much as I'd like them to be or who don't text me back right away! I'm realizing, by now having friends who are absolutely crazy about me, that I'M that bad friend to them! I don't text them back right away! I don't show them nearly as much love as they show me. I'm getting off topic, but I just wanted to express this for those of you who read, "I'm blessed to have a love for everyone" and say to me, via the computer screen, 'yea, love for everyone except me!!!' I hope no one is yelling that at the computer, but if you are...I'm so sorry I am not a better friend and that I don't love you in the way that you would like me to....I'm working on that, too.

I'm blessed to have same-gender attraction. I know...this one's a hard one to say. But the blessings that have come out of this adversity are so many. My heart hurts so much for those brothers and sisters who have this in their life. But here are maybe some blessings that you can recognize because of your same-gender attraction as well. Because of my same-gender attraction, I have a more understanding heart. I'd like to think I'm less judgmental (although I think that comes from having such a terrible past and becoming such a better person through Jesus Christ, that I see a smoker, or a cutter, a junkie, or a 'homo' and I just see the future father, teacher, artist, or the comedian, or I simply see the beautiful girl, or the caring friend) My family's life has been blessed because we've grown even closer. My relationship with my parents is so much stronger. Bishops and Stake Presidents have a whole new understanding of what it means to be gay and have a testimony of Jesus Christ, because of this.

I am blessed to have suffered loss. Loss of my friend when I was 8, loss of my grandfather when I was 16, loss of friends, and recently lost loves. I'm blessed because I didn't die. I'm blessed because my world still went on when I thought it couldn't possibly do so. I'm blessed with knowledge and strength and experience that I wouldn't trade for anything.

I'm blessed to have rain! I LOVE the rain. I love the sunshine that makes bright red tomatoes. I'm blessed to have sight so that I can see the bright red tomatoes. I love looking out the window and watching the peaceful snow fall to the ground. I love standing outside while the snow is falling and hearing absolute silence. The world gets somehow quieter when the snow is falling. I love standing out in a rain storm and hearing it beat upon the ground and feeling it beat upon my face is one of my favorite feelings. I love being able to hear the rain. I'm blessed with hearing! I'm blessed with legs to stand on and a body that works. I'm blessed to have a body. It's amazing. I don't have a six-pack or slim waist (I'm working on that, too...lots of things to work on) but when I get sick, I can go to sleep and my amazing body can heal itself....seriously...it heals itself! I can't even begin to go into how amazing the female body is and how it reshapes itself during and after pregnancy is...creepy, but also fascinating!
I have so very many more blessing in my life. I'm blessed to have a Father in Heaven that I can talk to whenever I want and I know He will listen to me and love me. I'm blessed with Jesus Christ in my life. He comforts me, he walks with me, and I swear I can feel his arms holding me sometimes when I'm so very low.
Can you all just take some time and look at the blessings in your life? You don't even have to believe in God, even though He believes in you. You just have to look around and think, "wow, I'm so thankful that I have a working, healthy body. I'm so thankful that I have a car to drive me wherever I want. I'm glad I have food to eat tonight." Henry B. Eyring has suggested even starting a gratitude journal. He says,
"As you start to write, you could ask yourself, “How did God bless me and those I love today?” If you do that often enough and with faith, you will find yourself remembering blessings. And sometimes you will have gifts brought to your mind that you failed to notice during the day but that you will then know were a touch of God’s hand in your life.

I pray that we may make a continuing effort in faith to recognize, remember, and give thanks for what our Heavenly Father and our Savior have done and are doing to open the way home to Them."

I pray for the same thing for each of you, my friends. I love you and am blessed to have you in my life!