Glory to the newborn King...

'For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life' St. John Chapter 3, verse 16

December. It's already mid-December. I am amazed at how quickly this year has flown by. Even more amazed am I at all of the experiences that have been crammed into a single year. In one month, I have the opportunity to resubmit a letter to the first presidency of the church...to resubmit my desires to the Lord and to God to be brought back into the fold of His church and be baptized. I don't know yet when I'm going to start on this letter, but I do know that I have some thoughts on this year and, more especially, on Christ; being that this is the time of year when we should have our thoughts turned to Him. This journey I have been on, as you who have read my blog well know, has been difficult. I tend to give you the hard truths and the struggles I face, not because I am a negative thinking person, but because I hope, by the end of each post, that you can see that difficulties are always made better through the Savior and through God's grace, which is given because of the Savior. Friends, I have experienced heartache I thought I would quite literally die from. I've felt fear that quite literally caused me to lose my words, shake, and weep. I have also felt joy. I have felt joy that I can not put into words, no matter how I try. I simply can not give you the feelings I have felt. words and descriptions can not satisfy or give in enough detail the actual feelings of joy I have experienced. Not only joy, but peace, safety, love, security, power, confidence, and hope. My Savior, Jesus Christ, is the reason for that hope, peace, safety, and security. In a year that has been filled with doubt, confusion, and fear, Christ has been the guiding force in my life. The times when I feel like I can make it, are the times when I am reading my scriptures, praying, and reaching out in service to others (even when I don't know how to serve and don't feel like I am serving) Those times when I am depressed, fearful, and feeling alone, are those times when I've told myself 'I don't need Christ right now. I need to do this on my own. I can't ask Him for help, He wants me to be tough and strong and figure this out on my own.' That is a lie. I think we have formed in our minds, as a society, that men are tough. We don't ask for help. We don't run away from a fight and we never back down. We don't admit that we are scared because that's 'gay.' We don't cry because we 'are not a little girl. Man up. Stop crying. Get over it. Superman doesn't cry. Don't you want to be tough like Superman?' No. I've come to realize I don't want to be tough like Superman or Thor or the Hulk or Iron man or any of the avengers that are so idolized in society and in young boy's lives these days. I want to be tough like Jesus. Jesus is the ultimate super man. He is a hero. He is my hero. He is also my best friend. I've gone through a few friends this year. An interesting quote I saw said, 'it's strange how some of our best friends are now strangers and how some strangers have become our best friends' and  this is so true of my life. My birthday is coming up and I am having a party and I thought back to last year's birthday party. I don't think a single person from my party last year is going to my party this year. I know that sounds junior high, but really, it's because people have moved away, moved forward, moved on, or moved in a different direction than me. I don't know how many people from my party this year will be there next year, but my point in all of this is that there is one who has been my best friend for more years than I can count. Christ has been there for me. Always. I may not invite him to my party some years because we are not in the same place, but he still waits for that invitation. Every year. He invites me to his birthday every year. Am I going to attend? Am I going to celebrate his birth? This year I have tried my hardest to celebrate his birth, his life, and his death and resurrection. This December has been one of magnificence because I have taken the time to ponder upon the life of my best friend and big brother, Jesus Christ. My heart has been so full. I never understood that saying when the old ladies or the teary, emotional women would stand up in church in testimony meeting and say 'oh, my heart is just so full.' But...I get it now. I'm that emotional old lady! It is so hard to describe, but it's probably something similar to what the Grinch felt when his heart grew. For me, it feels like my heart is expanding and getting larger in my chest. So much so, that it causes me to cry sometimes from sheer joy. I can't express it in words, I can not reasonably understand the love and the joy and so all I can do is cry. I can not get that joy from even the funniest romantic comedy. This joy can not come from sexual encounters, from a 'good beat' in a song (though music can add to the joy), or from some sort of alcoholic buzz or drug induced high. It pains my heart that there are many of you who I know, some who may even read this, who have no idea what I'm talking about; who do not know what this means and can not see past their pride and their happiness in alcohol or pornography or swearing or whatever you feel makes you happy...not even makes you happy, but helps you through the day. Believe me, I am not 'holier than thou.' I am not without sin. In fact, the reason I am pained in my heart for you is because I AM you, to a certain extent. Sometimes,  I choose my drug in lieu of joy and real happiness because it's just easier and faster and takes less work or self-introspection. I let my pride take over and I miss out on what could have been a better experience had I just fought on. I plead that you let go of your own pride and do what your best friend would want you to do. He loves you. He wants to see you smile and wants to see you happy. Christ is that best friend and in this season of joy and goodwill towards men...can we please reconnect with our best friend? I can promise you, with sincerity of heart and as a promise that comes from experience; I promise you that if you will stop...just stop...breathe for a few seconds...clear out all other distractions that I guarantee will come into your mind when you are trying to do something good (but...but Facebook though?! I don't have time, I have to _________. I'm just too tired, I need to Netflix and shut my brain off for a minute or an hour...or four) STOP. Peace, be still. Take five seconds and stop. Then ask any of the following questions:  'Lord...what would Ye have me do, right this second.' 'Lord, do You love me?' 'Lord, am I still yours?' 'God, can Ye help me feel a little peace right now?' and then LISTEN. I will not talk to someone who is talking over me. It's rude. I will let them talk. God is the same. He will let you talk...even if you have nothing important or uplifting or good to say. Try letting Him talk. Once you ask the question, listen. Now, a word of caution. If you do this....you will receive an answer. God will answer you. The word of caution is that you may not like the answer that comes. All too often, people (myself included) do not want to ask because we already know the answer and we know we won't like what the answer is, so we just don't ask. We push it back or 'hide it away' or 'sweep it under the rug' because it's too much. That answer comes with a lot behind it. What does it mean if the answer is, 'Yes, child. I love you."? What responsibility do we then feel we have based on this love? Responsibility that we don't want to take on, so we don't ask. That way, we feel we don't have to worry about that responsibility. It's still there, whether we acknowledge it or not. When I knelt down in the apartment I was sharing with my partner of 6 years and asked God what He would have me do...I felt completely unprepared for the responsibilities that would entail a complete change of life. 'No, Father, there is too much required. I have to break my partner's (and my own) heart. I have to figure out how to tell our friends. Will my family still take me back when I've estranged myself? What happens when I meet a new guy and feel regret at choosing You instead of him and a life of happiness together? Can I stay on this path? I will have to talk to a lot of people and admit a lot of really horrible things that I have done. It's too embarrassing and humiliating. Can't I just ignore it and continue to sweep it all under the rug? Can't I just continue to try and live this life I'm currently living? It's easier....' These were some of the thoughts I had. But friends...I severely underestimated the power of God and the power of Christ's atonement to change people. I broke my partner's heart. Today, he is thriving and doing so well living a life that he wants with goals and hobbies and dreams being fulfilled and met. I told our friends of our separation and most of them I have not spoken to in years. Some are still, remarkably, my friends and I have been blessed to make so many new friends along this journey back to God. My family was kind enough to take me back and I was so fortunate because some families, sadly, don't give that forgiveness and love back to their own children/brother/parent. and what of meeting a new guy and feeling regret for choosing God instead of that old life with that cute new guy? I have felt fear of choosing that old life...but I have never regretted choosing God. God was the best choice I could have ever made. Yeah, there have been cute guys. Luckily, they haven't been interested or have been straight or are already taken...but...even if a cute guy did show up who was single and interested in me... God is my choice. He is the one I choose and will always choose. That is where faith comes in. I can not doubt. I must have faith that if a super hot guy said, 'hey, you're kinda cute...can I get your number?' I would make the right choice and tell him 'first of all, I'm flattered because clearly you are blind or drunk or both or have glanced over the soda-belly and the vanishing hairline, but second... thank you, but I'm going to have to say no.' because while my old life may have seemed like an easier choice...this life I'm living or at least trying to live each day...is so much better and is so much more worth it. It's hard work, but it's so, so very worth it. I'm so grateful to Christ for allowing me the opportunity to change. It passes all understanding and, honestly, if I hadn't been the one living it, I would have no idea how I got here and how I was able to make it through all of the changes that this journey has required. All of the repentance and all of the humility and all of the focus. It's all possible because of the Savior. Again, some of you might think 'well...Christ had nothing to do with it. It was all you.' or I often hear 'Wow, good for you for making such big changes, I don't know how you did it.' the answer is...I didn't do it; at least not by myself. Please take some time...no matter how far gone you think you are or even if you don't want to change your life around and stop drinking or leave your partner or reconcile with a child you just can't forgive or turn off the pornography or quit your job that is a bad influence on you...even if you can't commit to that, commit to take just five minutes; five seconds to say thank you to Jesus. Thank Him for his sacrifice for you and his love for you. I'm pretty sure he'll love five seconds of your time than nothing at all this Christmas season. CHRISTmas is about Christ so make it about him for five minutes and not about you. I love all of you and I especially love my savior, my brother, and my best friend, Jesus Christ.

'For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace' Isaiah chapter 9, verse 6

'...The angel spake unto me, saying: Look! and I looked and beheld the virgin again, bearing a child in her arms. and the angel said unto me: Behold the Lamb of God, yea, even the Son of the Eternal Father... and I answered him saying: Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore it is the most desirable above all things.' 1 Nephi, Chapter 11, verses 20-22