Some people might not understand me. There are good reasons for this. My blog, while SUPER honest and straightforward, does not tell everything about me. I believe that we all hide things and, sometimes, there is good reason to. We don't share everything, we don't pour our hearts out to those we just met, we don't expose our whole soul to people we don't feel like we have enough trust with and, in some cases, we still don't expose our whole soul even to those we feel we can trust the most. I know that I have been very bold in my telling all of you my feelings of same-gender attraction, my thoughts on suicide, my lost battles, and my thoughts and feelings on God and my relationship. I still have not told you all everything. It wouldn't be sacred or personal if I told everyone my very private talks with God. It would be 'throwing pearls before swine' as it were, to share the darkest and most painful and terrifying times in my life. The same is true for the brightest and most sacred and spiritual times in my life as well. The reason I'm telling you this, is because you have no idea what this journey has been like. I have no idea what your journey is like, either. I have no idea what it is like to steal money from my parents so I can meet late at night with my dealer to get my next calming fix. I have no idea what it is like to feel pressure to end the life of your child that has not yet been born and to live each day knowing the decision you made is final and permanent and can not be taken back. I don't know anything of the pain, the tears, the trust issues, the anger and of having to let that go that are all associated with rape from someone who you are supposed to look up to and take after or respect. We sometimes look at others and think, 'wow, good for them for changing and overcoming this thing in their life. I could never do that.' and you are right. You can never do what that person did because you are not that person. Even those who struggle with same-gender attraction can not go through what I went through, though our 'affliction' is the same, our stories are so very, very different. While it is true that you can not do what I can do, or what your mother can do or what your neighbor can do, that does not mean that you can't do it, if that makes sense. "I can't do this." is VERY different from, "I can't do what so-and-so can." Yes, I've had to do certain things on my road back that have been very difficult and required a lot of prayer and fasting and tears and fear and courage and determination and patience, but I have been able to do them...and I am not a rare case. You are not immune to the help of your Father in Heaven. You are not too far gone to come back. I know of so many men (and I'm sure there are an equal number of women) who are attracted to another man (or woman), but who love God. They don't know what to do, so they choose a partner rather than God, because "I can't do it." I was one of those people! I could literally see no other way to be happy in this life than to 'just be gay! Just be gay, you do you and you do what feels right. If a guy makes you happy, than you be with a guy!" and so I did. I did what I thought was going to make me happy. It made me happy, yes. The cost of that happiness? TRUE joy. I gave up blessings, I gave up God, I gave up my family and some of my friends, and I gave up...period. Friends, this war that I'm in right now (and it is an everyday war that will last until I die and probably even beyond that for awhile) is not easy. It is not easy to go each day knowing that I will never be able to cuddle with my partner ever again. I will never be able to kiss his cheeks and hold him in my arms while we watch T.V. together. It is not easy to cut out certain people from my life because they are bad for me...in fact I still have yet to do that. I'm in love with a boy that I can not have a future with and I have to live each day knowing that he will love someone else and she will be his everything. It is not easy for me when I find friends who are gay and I think, 'wow, he's so great and he's got so many good things going for him, he would make a good partner' and when that thought comes...I have to avoid that person. This is not easy, folks. My friends who deal with same-gender attraction, it is not easy to get out of the 'norm' of a white picket fence, a dog and two kids, and a life-long partner and chose God. It's not easy...but it's possible. Those who feel that a margarita helps them to be more fun and easy going, but give that up so that they can be sober and healthier...that's not easy. Those of you who are depressed or angry and feel like you have no control over your life so you use and you make all of the stress go away through marijuana or smoking or cocaine or whatever substance is yours of choice, but you give that up and decide, instead, to work through these problems by communicating or by working hard instead of running to your drug of choice....that's not easy. None of that is easy. Life is not supposed to be that way. I have to work hard every day to stay away from sin and temptation, some of which might make me very happy and feel fulfilled. The key thing I have to remember is that these sins or bad choices is that they are always a temporary happy, a temporary fulfillment, a temporary pleasure or satisfaction. It's temporary. If I am hungry and want something right now, I can microwave a turkey dinner. Takes, what...10 minutes maybe? And I will be full and I will have met my need for food...but it isn't Thanksgiving dinner. Homemade mashed potatoes take a long time and a lot of elbow grease. Cranberry sauce takes at least 30 minutes, minus cool down time (I should know, I'm in charge of it every Thanksgiving!) and then there's the turkey. The turkey takes practically all day to cook and baste and roast and whatever else you do to that bird. But at the end of the day, which would leave me MORE fulfilled? I would rather the thanksgiving dinner every day than a microwave meal. So many of us are settling for the microwave dinner because we are just too busy or we are too stressed or we don't feel like we know how to cook. (I hope you are seeing the metaphor/analogy here) Friends, it is exhausting to make a Thanksgiving feast every single day of your life. But when your life on Earth ends and you look back on your days, wouldn't you like to see that each day was a feast and not just a settlement for a temporary meal. I know for a fact that there are those of you I wish would read this that will not read this. Even worse, I know there are those that I really wish would read this, and will read it, and then do nothing about it because they, while not satisfied with their microwave meal life thus far, are not brave enough, or don't think they are strong enough to move past that life. Please...please, don't think this way. You ARE strong enough, and when you aren't strong enough, God and Jesus are strong enough for the both of you. You CAN do this, I promise. I can also promise that you will mess up. There are days when I don't want to read my scriptures or pray and that day can turn into a few days. And that's okay. If I want to go without the help from my Father who knows all and can do all then that's fine. I just have to be okay with the consequences of that. (In my case, the longer I go without scripture study, church attendance, and prayer- the consequences are that I don't feel like I'm ever going to get married. I start to be more flirty with guys whether they are gay or straight, it doesn't matter, I'm just lonelier. I get more tired and I feel less motivated to do anything. I don't want to spend time with my family. I am more emotional and less logical about decisions. I feel more sad.) If I'm okay with the consequences then that's fine. Obviously, I'm not okay with these consequences and so I have to do all I can to keep myself safe and protected and happy. The thing is, some days... I really just can't do it. Some times I listen to a song that I know has suggestive lyrics, but I do it because I love the beat. Some days I watch a show that talks about sex or makes one-night stands and drinking seem normal and maybe even funny. Maybe I drop something on my foot or I jam my finger into something and I say a word that is...less than holy. Some times I am not my best. None of us is perfect and we fall short. Some days, Satan punches me in the stomach, I fall to the muddy ground, he laughs, kicks me in the side, and walks away to leave me all alone and wondering why I ever listened to or trusted him in the first place. The good news is, I can ALWAYS get back up out of the mud. I don't have to stay there. I don't have to lie there forever and wallow in my own bad choice and think 'well...this is it. This is where I stay.' No! You get back up out of that mud and you keep walking! Is Satan going to come back and punch you again? I guarantee it. But there's a smile brought to my face and confidence in my heart when I know that if I do a puzzle with my nephew instead of swiping through different guys on Tinder 'just to see what I'm missing out on out there', I'm raising a shield of protection so that Satan can't punch me in the stomach. If I can just call a friend to go on a walk with me when I'm having a hard day of depression instead of sitting at home and crying because I don't have someone to kiss or because I'm getting old and gaining more weight while simultaneously losing more hairline, I'm putting on a helmet to protect from the devil punching me in the face. Is it hard to pick up that phone and text someone to go on a walk when I could just lay there? Some of you may have no idea how hard that is, but I can tell you with all the pain in my heart that it is sometimes the hardest thing you will do that day is to simply pick up a phone. But it is SO worth it. I love you; all of you and I know that you can do this. Please trust in God. Please choose Him and the long lasting joy that He can bring you instead of choosing that other thing that looks so appealing, but will only give you an hour, a minute, a day, or even a week or a year of happy only to fade and leave you disappointed. "Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt and where thieves do not break though nor steal." (St. Matthew 6:19-20 KJV Bible)
Keep on fighting, get up and get going forward and know that you can do this, okay!? "Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage, be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee, whithersoever thou goest." (Joshua 1:9 KJV Bible) Be strong, warriors, you got this!
