"Forgive them father for they know not what they do..."

Someone once said, 'holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.' I've had a lot of anger the past few weeks. I don't know when it first started happening, but it has been brewing for awhile now. I noticed it, though, when a friend from my past apologized to me for how we left things, asked for forgiveness, and I told her no. I was not ready to forgive. What I said gnawed at me for a few days. Then I started noticing the hate. I started noticing the anger. I noticed it at work. I'm still working with that certain boy that I will never have. We've not worked together often, and when we do, I did not ignore him, but rather I was cold and rude to him. I thought that would be better than hurting. I thought, 'If I'm angry with him; if I hate him, that's better than being in love with him and being sad. Anger...hatred...is better than sadness.' This is false. Anger is just as devastatingly painful, just in a different way... My hate and anger began to spread. I began getting annoyed with his girlfriend. I hate her. I hate her for getting him. Doesn't she know how much pain he's caused me? Doesn't she understand how awful he is as a person and how he ruins lives? It then spread to my friend. She's friends with his girlfriend. How can she be friends with the enemy? How can she be nice to someone who is dating someone that has made me cut myself? This anger spread and spread and it started affecting my relationships. I became withdrawn. I became highly annoyed with anyone and everyone at work (the thought being 'how can anyone like this guy who is such a jerk? Why do they even want to be friends with someone who has hurt me so deeply?') I began to stop trusting people. I gave my heart to someone who didn't want it and rejected it and let me down. Why do that with anyone else? So, I'll just stop sharing my heart. I'll tell people I'm just tired or that I'm fine. I stopped sharing my feelings, my problems, my thoughts with people because what's the point? They are just going to let you down and they really couldn't care any less about what you have to tell them. They aren't going to care. My so called friends hurt me consistently and deeply so why have friends? I can not forgive them. This morning it got really bad. I tried reading my scriptures but the overwhelming anger inside of me kept me from focusing. All I could think about were the people who have hurt me, especially that one guy. I thought, 'how unfair. How unfair that he is happy and dating and doing well at work and laughing and having friends when I was cutting and not eating and thinking of suicide all because of him. How dare he. I hope his girlfriend breaks up with him. I hope his mom gets cancer and dies. I hope that he gets arrested for drugs or drinking and ends up in jail. I want him to feel pain. I want him to hurt like I've hurt. I hate him. I hate him and I hope awful things happen to him so he can understand my pain and my hurt.' I had similar thoughts for all of those people in my life who were associated with this person. I wanted, not only him to feel pain, but all of them; anyone even remotely associated with him. I wanted all of them to see how hurt I was and how much I've been through. I could feel the hatred and the anger welling up inside. I became hot inside and very dark. In the midst of this...a small voice said, 'Brent, stop. Come back. Please don't feel this way. This isn't making you happy! Please stop!' So I said a prayer and asked for help. Then went to the temple to get instructions on what to do. The answer came to me. I began reading in John in the bible. John chapter 19: verse 1 'Then Pilate, therefore took Jesus, and scourged him.' verses 2 and 3 'And the soldiers plaited a crown of thorns, and put it on his head, and they put on him a purple robe and said, Hail, King of the Jews! and they smote him with their hands.' verse 6 'When the chief priests therefore and officers saw him, they cried out, saying, Crucify him, crucify
him.' verses 23 and 24 'Then the soldiers, when they had crucified Jesus, took his garments, and made four parts, to every soldier a part; and also his coat..They said therefore among themselves, Let us not rend it, but cast lots for it, whose it shall be' verses 28 and 29 'After this, Jesus knowing that all things were now accomplished, that the scripture might be fulfilled, saith, I thirst. Now there was set a vessel full of vinegar: and they filled a sponge with vinegar, and put it upon hyssop, and put it to his mouth.' and verse 30 'When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, It is finished: and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost.' How could people hurt someone so much? How could they do this? Surely, Jesus wanted them all to die. Surely, Jesus wished they would get a terrible disease that would painfully and slowly kill them all, right? Right!?  Luke 23:34 'Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.' ....What?! Father forgive them?! No! No! Father, kill them all. Make them feel the same pain I have felt! Make them suffer!! But no, Christ forgave them and asked God to do so as well. I can not comprehend that. It passes my complete understanding. Not only was Jesus hurt by those who didn't know him though. It gets worse. John chapter 18, verse 3: 'Judas then, having received a band of men and officers from the chief priests and Pharisees, cometh thither with lanterns and torches and weapons.' then verses 16 and 17: 'But Peter stood at the door without. Then went out that other disciple, which was known unto the high priest, and spake unto her that kept the door, and brought in Peter. Then saith the damsel that kept the door unto Peter, Art not thou also one of this man’s disciples? He saith, I am not.' verses 25-27 'And Simon Peter stood and warmed himself. They said therefore unto him, Art not thou also one of his disciples? He denied it, and said, I am not. One of the servants of the high priest, being his kinsman whose ear Peter cut off, saith, Did not I see thee in the garden with him? Peter then denied again: and immediately the cock crew.' Not only was Jesus beaten and hit and spit upon and mocked, but two of his closest friends hurt him; one by betrayal and the other one by denial of their friendship. Okay, so surely Jesus must have wished hurtful things for Peter right? I mean, that's super rude and what a jerk friend Peter was! John Chapter 21: verses 8-15 '
8 And the other disciples came in a little ship; (for they were not far from land, but as it were two hundred cubits,) dragging the net with fishes.

 9 As soon then as they were come to land, they saw a fire of coals there, and fish laid thereon, and bread.

 10 Jesus saith unto them, Bring of the fish which ye have now caught.

 11 Simon Peter went up, and drew the net to land full of great fishes, an hundred and fifty and three: and for all there were so many, yet was not the net broken.

 12 Jesus saith unto them, Come and dine. And none of the disciples durst ask him, Who art thou? knowing that it was the Lord.

 13 Jesus then cometh, and taketh bread, and giveth them, and fish likewise.

 14 This is now the third time that Jesus shewed himself to his disciples, after that he was risen from the dead.

 15 ¶So when they had dined, Jesus saith to Simon Peter, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me more than these? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my lambs.'

Jesus fed the very friend who denied him. He also taught him how to carry on preaching the gospel and how to continue to run the church. I can't...I just...it...wow. I'm blown away. How!? How can Christ forgive like that? I don't know how to do that. I was down about it. I didn't know what to do. I am not Christ. I can not forgive. Wow, good for Jesus that he could forgive people, that's awesome. I don't care. I've been hurt and I want my so-called friends to know it! I want them to hurt! Clearly, I'm stubborn and so God put his palm to his face, shook His head and said, 'Okay, Brent...let's try a different angle...'  Matthew 5: 43-48

'43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

 45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

 46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?

 47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?

 48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.'

and then the scripture that really hit it home to me. Matthew 6:14 and 15

'14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

 15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.'

Brent...how many times have you hurt Christ? How many times have you had to plead before God and ask for His forgiveness for denying Him and going against what He asks and hurting Him with your actions? And how many times has He forgiven you?' it was chilling....to realize that if I can not forgive others for the hurt they have caused...then why should God forgive me for the very same hurt I have caused him? Having this thought also changed my perspective. I looked at my situation in a new light. This guy...this guy who I have hated because he was a jerk to me...did nothing wrong. He was (and maybe still is) my friend. He was just trying to be a friend and do whatever I asked him to do to make me happy. I was the one who caught feelings. I'M the one who was dissatisfied at the amount of love and friendship he showed me. I'M the one who wanted a relationship with him that was more than just friends and he could not give that to me. So why am I so angry with someone when they have done nothing wrong? His girlfriend has done nothing wrong. She simply liked a boy who liked her back. That's normal. That's a good thing. My friend did nothing wrong. She simply got along well with this guy's girlfriend. So why do I have so much hatred and anger for those who have done me no wrong? ....Okay, Father...I get it. So what do I do now? 'Brent...you have to let this go. You have GOT to get this awful, hateful, and satanic poison out of your life.' ... But, Father, I'm scared. I can't do this...it's too hard.. 'Yes, Brent, This is going to be hard. This is going to take strength (that you DO possess, stop telling yourself you can't do it) and it is going to take patience, a calm head, and a lot of prayer, but this IS possible.' I then decided I need to swallow my pride and ask for forgiveness for the evil and malicious thoughts I was having. So I texted almost all of those who I had hateful feelings for (still have three left, but I'll get there) and then took a deep breath and thanked God for His help and understanding. I'm so grateful that Jesus is not a spiteful person like I am. I'm so glad that he has not wished me to feel the same pain he felt, because...I literally can not. Only Christ could feel the pains he felt. but because of it, I am free and I am able to learn from my mistakes (including the mistake of anger and hatred)

Friends, please do not carry a grudge around with you. Please. It will suck all of your happiness away. It will eat at your soul until you become a shell of the person you were. Please do not be angry with others for an unkind remark, for an ignorant comment, or for something that was said that was taken the wrong way. Please do not become defensive at a friend's concerned suggestion. Do not wish the same hurt you have felt upon someone else, because I can PROMISE you that it will not make you happier. You will not feel satisfaction from their misery. You will just feel miserable yourself for stooping to their level or even lower. I know this is hard, BELIEVE ME! I am going to ask for God's continued help to find love and charity for others because I know that without it, I truly, TRULY can not do it. I am human and therefore, if I'm hurt, I want to retaliate. That is why I need God to help me rise above and be the better and bigger man. If you don't believe in God or if you are not religious...I guess my only suggestion for you then would be to serve those you hate. I know that sounds ridiculous and impossible, but it's not. It is not impossible to do something nice for someone you hate. Maybe even just a simple, 'hey, that's a nice shirt.' or 'oo, cute shoes.' That's all. See if it doesn't help, even for a split-second. I love you, friends, and I'm really trying to mean it. ;)