To begin, please, please do not look at this blog post as a warning sign or a cry for help. For those of you about to read this, please, once you have commenced in reading it, you MUST finish reading. You have to finish. Please read the entire thing. Do not worry, do not fear...
Last night and this morning were hard...there were moments of light, but the dark overshadowed and came back. Yesterday I felt a fear. I felt a lot of emotions, but I had fear. I felt darkness. Today, the darkness grew, subtly, without my realizing it, it grew and it spread. But God is good and will save me. I had plans to go to lunch with a friend, only that didn't work out. Just another disappointment...So I chose to go to the temple instead. God saved me. As I drove to the temple I thought, 'you know...I'm done. I can't even. Why make friendships only to be disappointed? Why try and why put myself out there? Why feel?' I got to the temple and the darkness increased... I thought about what it would be like to just run off the side of the temple hill...to just jump and be free. I thought maybe I could go home, take some pills and just go to sleep...I thought (please, please do not fear. Please keep reading. Please keep reading to the end. Mom, don't worry, please just keep reading...) I thought about if it would hurt if I shot myself or if it ends quickly and you don't feel the pain. (Please keep reading, I know. I know how this sounds and I know how scary this is. Please keep reading, please have faith...) The darkness became consuming...In the midst of this darkness, I spoke to God. I told Him my thoughts and I told Him my fears. 'I'm scared, Heavenly Father. I'm really scared.' (I know I said keep reading, but...I'm about to share, with God's permission, some very personal, private, and sacred things. If you don't believe in God...If you will make fun of me for the things I'm going to say or if you are going to think me weird, or a Jesus freak, or will mock God and my relationship with Him, stop reading now. I will not share sacred and wonderful things with those who do not respect or appreciate them. okay...) I then began to talk to God. Not face to face, but in my head. 'Father help me. I'm scared.' God spoke back to me, through the scriptures. 2 Timothy 2:10 'Therefore, I endure all things for the elect's sake, that they may also obtain the salvation which is in Christ Jesus with eternal glory'
'Father, I can't. I can not endure anymore. I am not Christ. He suffered more than anyone, and I get that, but I'm not Christ. I can not do this.'
2 Timothy 1:7 'God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of a sound mind.'
The rest of our conversation, I will not share with you. Again, it is private, it is personal, and it is sacred. I will tell you that God sent assurance that I CAN indeed do this. I am powerful. I just need His help. One other scripture that was shared with me was in the Book of Mormon. Alma 7:5 'yea, I say unto you come and fear not, and lay aside every sin, which easily doth beset you, which doth bind you down to destruction, yea come and go forth, and show unto your God that ye are willing to repent of your sins..' Satan is afraid. A few verses later in Alma 7:19 I read 'For I perceive that ye are in the paths of righteousness; I perceive that ye are in the path which leads to the kingdom of God...' I'm there. I'm on the path of righteousness! I'm doing good! I'm doing great! And the devil knows that and he is scared. He knows I have far too much to do; I have far too many more blessings yet to receive in this life. I am going to be a great force for much good. I already am. My life is amazing and is going to get even more amazing! And that scares Satan. 'I can not let him live. He can not receive that happiness.' So he tells me to end my life. That this is too hard. He fills me with fear and doubt. He fills my mind with thoughts that it will not get better and that what I have now is not enough. I thought back to a conversation I had with a friend in which they shared that they are scared of mediocrity. That they are not doing enough and that there is so much more to their life that they are not realizing. Another friend has shared with me that they are afraid that they will not meet their full potential. These are fears and God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power. I understand both of my friend's fears. I often wonder, 'is this it? Am I going to be making hamburgers until I'm 48 years old? Am I going to live in my sister's basement until I'm 64? Am I going to ever get baptized or am I just going to keep making mistakes and reliving my life of sin, never moving forward, never progressing. Only to die the same person I am today?' Thinking this, why WOULD one want to continue to live? If I'm going to be the same person I am today as I am when I'm 85, then why continue to 85? Friends, you are NOT mediocre. You are NOT destined for mediocrity, but for greatness. You WILL make more of your life if you will let God help you. I fear I haven't reached my potential, and maybe I haven't, but the only person who is stopping me from living my fullest life, is myself. and Satan, but the devil can only do so much. True, he is powerful. I told God that, "Father, Satan is powerful. This is hard. He is strong."
"You're stronger. You're stronger Brent. I'm stronger."
God is more powerful than Satan. I am more powerful.
Friends...Fear is a powerful thing. Do NOT let it overtake you. You are more powerful. You are stronger. You can do anything you want to do and be whatever you want to be. God loves me and He will save me. He already did. Yeah, I may not have been able to go to lunch with my friend. But it's because I had a much more important date that I had to make. God knew I needed to go to the temple and He knew we needed to have a talk. Don't worry, Mom, God worries about me enough for the both of us!
Friends, we can not live with fear. I have to do whatever I can to stay away from the darkness and from fear. I have to make the things that make me happy and full of faith the priorities in my life. I can not spend my time with things that bring me down, or make me question, or lead me to sadness. Some of you might find your safety in sex, your calm in smoking, your peace in pornography, or your happiness in alcohol. I don't. The only way I can feel safe, secure, calm, happy, peaceful, loved, less lonely, light, and good is when I am doing what God wants; when I am surrounding myself with the gospel of Jesus Christ. That gospel includes keeping my body and my mind clean, lifting others through service and kind words, watching uplifting movies and shows, being genuine and honest, going to church and reading scriptures, spending time at the temple or just in nature. I will not condone or judge you. If you REALLY feel like you are finding happiness in sex, drugs, drinking, pornography, swearing, or anything else, then you do what you need to make you happy. But I promise you that there is real happiness out there. There is more and there are better things for you. As for me, I can only find REAL happiness (not pleasure, because those are two different things) in doing good things. That is how I will make the fear go away. I HAVE to rely on God to suggest what to do. I can't do it on my own. Every time I try and think that I can do it on my own, there is the chance (the very scary chance) that I will pick wrong things or make the wrong choice. I think we get into a habit of thinking, "oh look at what I accomplished! Look at the car I bought, because I worked hard for it. Look at the miles I ran because I trained and trained. Look at how much I know about science and math and law and finance because I have read so much.' and we forget about who led us to the high paying job that gave us our car, who gave us our legs to run a marathon and who gave us our brain and our mind to expand and grow. Give up your pride. Stop being so defensive and realize that you need God. We all need God. We need Him. Every day. If you are depressed and if you are scared, that is my strong suggestion. Surrender to God. Let Him make you happy, by doing what He asks you to do. Yes, it's been hard for me. Yea, I've had some pretty scary moments, but I am not giving up. God won't allow me to. I am too important. I am too special. Even if I don't make a difference or don't have an impact on anyone else's life (which is not true. I impact people more than I realize, I think.) but even if I don't...I still have the greatest impact on myself. And I affect God and the things I do matter to Him, even if they matter to no one else. Brother, Sister, Friend, you are far too important to ever give up. You have too many things left for God to bless you with. I have a life to live and, while it is a hard life filled with many tears and many trials, it is also filled with (and is going to continue to be filled with) joy and peace and love. But that only comes if I follow God and allow Him to take over. 1 Corinthians 10:13 'There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to ESCAPE, that ye may be able to bear it.' I don't think I fully understood this scripture. God will not allow me to suffer to the point of killing myself. He won't allow it. He will always intervene because I mean too much to Him. Mom, I'll be fine. I really will. God has me in His care and He will help me when I feel like no one else can. He will send me to the temple. He will prompt my friends to text me to come eat at Rancheritos at 11 at night so that I can laugh and smile. He will prompt my mother to send me a text to remind me how proud she is of me and how much she loves me. He will have my nephew hold my hand as we walk, just so I can feel loved and special. He will help me realize the love of my earthly father as we discuss spiritual things on the phone or late at night when he should be in bed. God is good and has said, 'Look unto me in every thought; Doubt not, Fear not.' There will still be hard days. There will still be times when I don't want to go on and when I may even be afraid and enter the darkness again, but I trust in my Heavenly Father and I know that I will be safe with Him. I will not enter that darkness If I can rely on God. I will continue on, because I love my life and I love what God is doing with my life. If you need me...if you feel this sadness or this darkness in your own life, please let me know. Maybe I can't do anything for you other than to say sorry or to take you out to get a cheeseburger or go on a walk, but maybe that's all you will need. Maybe you will have to just find strength in yourself to force a smile. But you can smile. God will help you smile. He gives you that inner strength. Pray to God for help! God will help you, I PROMISE.
