Converted to the Lord?

Yesterday I received a letter. I have been waiting almost 2 months for this letter. Basically, what happened is that I met with some leaders of my church who send a letter to higher up leaders in the church who, I believe, receive revelation from God, just like Moses did, just like Abraham did, just like the prophets mentioned in the bible all did; I believe God still is the same yesterday, today, and forever and it just makes sense that there would be a prophet today. So this leader of my church in my area, sent a letter of recommendation to the leader of the entire church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the Mormon church) who is the prophet...and the prophet prays and asks God what should be done in my case. In this case, the prophet (though I feel it's God) has decided that I am not ready yet to be baptized. I will have to wait another year before the leader of my church in my area (called a 'stake president') can re-submit a letter and we can do this all again, but hopefully, I will be more prepared next time. I agree completely with God's decision for me to wait. I'm not fully committed. I'm not fully converted to the Lord. Certain people and certain circumstances that happened in the last few months have really made me question if baptism is what I really want in my life. I think I got so hung up on the fact that I have to get baptized that I lost focused on whether or not I WANT to get baptized. I lost focus on why I wanted to get baptized in the first place. Don't worry, I still want to get baptized. It took a lot of tears and a lot of prayer and a lot of thinking and pondering, but this decision to wait another year really answered my prayers. It woke me up to the realization that I need to work harder for this. I know a lot of you think I've been working really hard at this, and I have been, but recently I've lost that commitment to hard work. There is still so much that I need to learn and so much that I have to do. It's all about my attitude and my drive. I've never really worked hard for anything in my life. I have very low expectations about everything, because I have very low (if any) confidence in myself. If something good happens to me, then that is great. If something doesn't happen for me like I would have liked, thanks to my low expectations and low self-esteem, I just figure 'well, I shouldn't be surprised. I'm just not good enough to get that...(whatever it is)' or 'yea, I didn't think it was going to happen anyways' I never try and I never commit, just in case I fail. If I don't fail, it's a nice surprise, but if I do fail, I kind of figured it was going to happen anyways, so no harm done. This is a terrible way to go through life. It's safe, but it's also no way to live. I don't try to go for management at work, because I don't expect that I'm 'management material'. I (which is very sad) kind of expect that my friends won't be my friends forever or that eventually they will just leave because I'm not funny enough or cute enough or because I will like something that they don't like and they will lose interest in me and not talk to me anymore. Then, once they leave, I won't be that hurt because 'well, I kind of figured that was going to happen anyways.' Spiritually, I have that same mind-set. I didn't expect to get baptized because, 'well, I'm just not good enough and the things I did were pretty bad so I guess I shouldn't be surprised' but if the letter came back and said I was okay to get baptized I would have thought, 'well, cool. I guess I'm ready.' God has come back with the perfect answer. 'Brent, you need to try. For once in your life, you've got to actually WANT something and then WORK for that something.' I want a wife, but I just assume she will appear and be given to me if I'm good enough. I want to be a manager at work, but I just assume that if I come in and do my job for long enough, eventually it will be handed to me. I want to get baptized, but I just assume that if I hold out long enough and do just enough, that I will get to be a part of Christ's church. That is not how it works. Friends; family...this is going to be the hardest year of my life. I am not accustomed to working hard to get what I want in life because I honestly and sincerely don't think I'm good enough to get what I want out of life. Please don't think I'm fishing for compliments here like "oh you can do it" or "stop it, you're great!" Those are nice things to say, but if I can't believe them myself, I will never change myself. I am preparing to do some really tough things this year. I'm going to try and tell myself I can do it. I've never done that before. I'm going to try and reach out and say hi to a stranger before they say hello to me. I've never done that before. I'm going to try and be a leader and that scares me to death. I'm not a leader, I don't stand out and I rarely know what I'm doing in any situation. I'm going to try and stand up for what I believe in and I'm going to try and find myself, even if it means I will lose some of the friends I so desperately want to keep in my life.... Has anyone seen 'runaway bride?' Basically, Julia Roberts runs away from every wedding she is supposed to have. she's afraid of marriage. So Richard Gere shows up and follows her around (he's a newspaper reporter, not just some creep stalker) to get the story on why she runs away. He finds out that she loses herself completely in her fiancés. There is a pivotal moment when Richard Gere tells Julia Roberts, "you don't even know what kind of eggs you like!" because he notices that she orders whatever kind of eggs her fiancé orders. Anyways, they fight he leaves, she doesn't get married again, but she starts finding herself. she starts her own business and she comes back to Richard Gere and says "benedict." He's confused, and she says "I LOVE eggs benedict. I HATE every other kind of egg." the reason I tell you this. I want to be Julia Roberts (who doesn't. haha) I want to be her character in this movie. I want so much to know who I am and what I like and what is worth fighting for in this life and what makes me the most happy. The last year of my life, God showed me glimpses of who I am: I am His child, I am a friend, a brother, a cousin, a nephew, and a son. I've been learning what I like: I like music that no one has ever heard of. I don't like egg yolks, pizza, bacon, brownies, or anything barbeque. I do like cheesecake, anyone who is funny, dinner parties, lip-syncing in the mirror at 2 in the morning when I get off work, having my own private dance parties in my room at midnight, Barbra Streisand and Rosalind Russell, and many other things that I'm too embarrassed to share with you for fear that you won't like me or be my friend anymore. God has shown me what things make me happy, truly happy not just bringing me pleasure: my family, rain, jazz music, church, the temple, sea otters, the sound of waves at the beach, and singing off-key to contemporary Christian music. As far as what is worth fighting for...that will take some time. I know what's worth fighting for, but am I willing to fight for it? Can I change my heart? Can I become converted to the Lord and trust that He will help me in ALL aspects of my life, not just spiritual things? That is my test. That will be the challenge of this new year. But with the support of all of you, with the love of God and Jesus Christ, and with a bit of fear mixed with optimism and a new-found sense of determination I have never had in my life....I'm hoping I can make it. I'm hoping I can do this. I'll keep you posted on my failures, but also on my successes. MY successes that I earned by working hard for them! I love all of you so much and know that you are a support to me and I hope I can be an example to you as you have all been such good examples for me!