Becoming Born Again...

This last year has been...many things: Wonderful, terrifying, hopeful, hopeless, sad, joyous, difficult, blessed, amazing, awful, and so much more. My hopes in talking about this experience is to maybe give someone else who is struggling some hope. While you may not agree with some of the things I've said or some of the things I believe, I feel like challenges are a part of everyone's lives, no matter what you believe or who you do or do not worship. Finding ways to overcome challenges are also an essential part of life and this last year, I have been working really hard to overcome those challenges. The difference for me is that I have God and Christ to help me so I don't have to do it alone, and I feel like I CAN'T and shouldn't have to do it alone. I also have family and friends who are kind and supportive and loving, and I think that is something that we all have to help us through. I hope that the things that I say can touch your life in some way or at least get you thinking about things in a different, more positive light. Maybe you could even say a little prayer right now to help you find something in the words I write that can help you in your particular situation. Okay, moving forward... A little over a year ago, I decided to meet with a counsel of church leaders to discuss ways in which I can get back into God's light and into the church that I feel radiates this light. The counsel met with me and discussed and came up with a final solution: excommunication from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. This meant that I no longer belonged to the church and that I would have to work on getting baptized and work on getting back all of the privileges I once enjoyed. Someone once said to me, "sooo, they kicked you out." No. That is not what happened. I tried to tell this friend that I, basically, "kicked myself out" by not following God's commandments, but I didn't do a very good job of explaining things, because he just repeated, "no, it sounds like they just kicked you out." I will try again to explain, friend, and hopefully it makes more sense this time. Let's use an analogy though. For all of you parents out there, maybe this will be easier to understand, but as a parent, you set rules and guidelines for your children. While your children may think that you hate them and that is why you have these rules, as a parent, you know that these rules are actually to give your children MORE freedom (I.E. Rule: don't drink Resulting Freedom: freedom from prison in the off chance you drink and drive and kill someone) I want you to think about the rules you give your children, and I want you, if you are not a parent, to think about the rules your parents give you. Then I want you to think about why that rule is given and what the freedom is that it allows you to have. Now for every rule that is broken, a punishment is given. Again, not because the parent hates you, but because, as a child, you learn from that punishment "Oh, I probably should think about this the next time I want to break a rule" So, let's say that the punishment for coming home after curfew (the freedom there is that you don't stay out until three in the morning and then have to wake up for school the next morning and be so tired you can barely function. So you are free to function and make better choices...believe me, staying out late has always resulted in me not being able to function the next day and it's awful...but anyways..) the punishment for staying out past curfew is that you get your cell phone taken from you for a day. Something that you love and that you feel you can't live without is taken from you, not because your parents are just jerks, but because they know that you will appreciate that phone more once you get it back and hopefully, you will learn how awful it is to be without a phone and so you will come in at curfew. Back to me: I was excommunicated from the church. I can not take the sacrament, I can not pray in a group setting, I can not pay a tithing to God. There are other things that would bring me additional blessings that I can not do. This is not because God is a jerk and wants to see me unhappy. This is so that I will work harder to get those things that are truly important to me back in my life. I will appreciate the sacrament so much more when I am able to take it again. I will be so excited to receive any calling in the church(except for one calling which I am not saying out loud, because if you don't say it out loud then you won't get called to that calling, right!?...right!?), because I can't serve in a calling right now. So it helps me to look at it that way. I was not "kicked out" but rather, I was given the opportunity to fight harder for the things that I really want and show God that this is important to me and I really do appreciate the things He has given me. Tomorrow, I meet with a counsel again. I don't know what is going to be said or what is going to happen, but I am not scared. I'm hopeful. I know that what I have been doing the last year has been good in the sight of God. There are things that I still do that do not make God happy. They don't make Him angry, they just make Him sad. Sad to see a child not living up to their full potential. I'm still working everyday to make myself perfect, but I know that perfection can not come in this life (at least not with out Christ) In meeting with this counsel tomorrow, I have had cause to reflect on the last year of my life...even the last few years. I wish I could tell you all of the changes that I have made in my life. (some of you, I have told and I appreciate so much your love and support and non-judgmental attitude towards the way I used to live and the things I used to do) I will not tell you all of the awful things I used to do because that does not build, nor inspire, nor does it bring light. It just serves to remind me of the many terrible things I did. I'd rather just say that the changes I have made in my life have been monumental and some of them...if not all of them...could not have been made without the help of God. Whether it was through a friend, through a family member, through a talk in church, through a song or an uplifting film, God has used many tools to show His love for me and His hand in helping me through this challenge of life itself. One of the big struggles in my life is same-gender attraction which I mentioned in a previous post. This week has been a struggle to determine if I want to "give up" a possible relationship with a male, because doing what God has commanded is more important. This means I may never find a wife, due to the fact that I may never be attracted enough to a woman to find a wife. But something inside tells me that a family, with a wife and children, is something that would make me the happiest man on earth and I'm pretty sure God is going to help me find happiness, so long as it is a righteous happiness. I've done a lot of thinking this week over this particular issue, because I think it is one of the major things that I fear. I fear going back to that lifestyle. I fear that I will stray again and start this whole process over again and I don't want to do that. But that's what gives me hope. If I don't WANT to do those things...then why should I? I don't have to. The temptation is strong, but my desire to do good (I've learned this week) is stronger. This week has been one of the more challenging weeks. However, it has not been a bad week. It's been a challenging week. There is a difference. I am preparing to do many great and wonderful things and the devil...well...HE'S a jerk. He wants to make sure that I am never happy and that no good things happen for me ever. I know this though. I know that when good things are happening, or are going to happen, Satan will come to tempt and to distract and to basically make your life miserable. So, I prepared for that (luckily, I served a mission so I know that when you invite someone to come to church, you always tell them, "just so you know...this week, your car will die, or your kid will get sick, or you will get called into work, or you will be out to lunch and your friend will tell you horrible things about church. This will happen. It is not a sign that you should not go to church. It is a sign that the devil doesn't want you to learn and feel good things at church so you need to fight hard to get to that church!!") I prepared and prayed for help to make it through this week and to learn what I needed to know to help me make it through this week with success. God helped me make it through this week. There were things that happened this week that really...it felt like a final exam. Like, "okay, here's a situation. In this situation are you going to A. do something bad B. do nothing (which really isn't good sometimes) or C. do something good." Sometimes, I chose A. More often than I would have liked I chose B. But, in looking back at this last week, and then at this last year, I realized that I choose C more often than I think I do. And that LITERALLY brings a smile to my face. I hope to be baptized at the end of the year. If not at the end of the year, than at least before I die! :) I'll continue to let you all be witness to my challenging and yet wonderful life. I will share my ups and my downs with you. I will share my insights into how to overcome, and I will continue to ask you for help, because I love that God gives each and every one of you insights, whether you know you are helping or not. Galatians Chapter 5, verses 22 and 23 say "But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance..." (King James Version) I feel ALL of these things. I have felt all of these things on my road back. This lets me know that the path I'm on is the correct path. For those of you who have fallen off of that path and don't think you can get back on, you can. It takes humility, it is sometimes embarrassing to come back. It takes strength. You have to know that this is the right choice, no matter who mocks you or is judging you along the way. It takes confidence. You have to make the choices that are right for YOU (and for God), having confidence that God is working with you to make those choices easier to make. It is hard, and it is not for the casual man or woman. It is a path that is long, and very narrow, but don't worry. Christ already walked it. He will provide the directions, the provisions, and the companionship along the way. You'll make it, friend. I'll help if I can!! Because, like you, I'm on a similar road. God is good, life is good, and things get brighter and better everyday. Believe that! I'll keep trying to believe that too! Keep me in your prayers and I will remember you in mine.