It's all about love...

Okay, so when I began to change my life around I did not go into a whole lot of explanation on my thoughts concerning same-gender attraction. I did not explain my thoughts, because I did not want this blog to just be about same-gender attraction. I've heard it said recently that there are no "special sins" and I didn't want to make my struggle with same-sex attraction to be seen as something "special" or something that makes me seem like I'm going through something worse or better than anyone else. The point of this blog was to remind everyone that we all make mistakes and we all have trials and temptations in this life and that, no matter what you are dealing with, you can always return to God and He will always love you. So it doesn't matter if you struggle with same-sex attraction or an addiction to coffee; my struggle is just as hard as yours and whatever you are dealing with is just as hard to overcome as whatever I am dealing with. Having said that, I have been lead to ponder a lot on why I have this particular challenge in my life. Just as someone who has lost a child or a husband might ponder the reasons why, I have spent many nights and many days wondering why this is the particular lot that I chose to have in life. Sometimes, I think, we don't receive answers right away to the reasons for something happening to us or for why we were given a particular trial. We may never even receive an answer in this life. I have been fortunate enough to get a glimpse of things. I'm not saying that I know God's whole plan or that I am a prophet or even that I am anything truly special beyond, of course, being a son of God, but in pondering over same-sex attraction I have come to the following conclusion. A few things before I discuss my thoughts. These are, just that, my thoughts. They are not doctrinally sound and they may not be thoughts you agree with. The world would indeed say that I am a Judas, that I am betraying "my own kind" for speaking about my struggle with the temptation to sin as many in the world do not consider homosexuality to be a sin. I am a peace maker and, as anyone who knows me will tell you, I am not opinionated and if I do have opinions I generally keep them to myself. I am about to give my opinion and, as a result, I might lose some friends, I might show myself off as a person that one might not have thought I was (and for some it might be in a negative way), I may even start a global war all over my OWN thoughts. But calm down. If it bugs you that I think that way, then don't listen to me. So if you find yourself getting angry at any point during this post, just please go to Youtube and type in "Simon's cat" and proceed to watch any of the videos that it finds because they are all adorable. For those of you that want to continue on, here it goes. I believe in a life before this Earthly life. I call it the 'Pre-Earth' life. Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (or Mormons) believe in this as well. I don't know if other religions profess to believe this, but the Mormons do. That's not the point. I believe in the concept of a 'pre-Earth' life. In this life, we did not have bodies yet. Just spirits that were pure and innocent and wonderful. We did not know right from wrong or good from evil yet, because we weren't really doing anything yet. We didn't have any "life experience" as it were. I do believe that we spent some time in heaven in this pre-Earth life and that, during that time, we had family. We were all family. I had brothers and sisters and they were each and every one of you. Some spirits I loved so much that I spent a lot of time with them, maybe. I don't know that I necessarily loved any one brother or sister above another brother or sister, but maybe there were just certain spirits that I connected really well with. If you think about 'soul mates' or about the family that you were sent to live in, a pre-earth life, to me, just makes sense. I think my mom and I, for example, must have been really good friends in the pre-Earth life and so I think I probably said something to God similar to, "Hey, we have been best friends up here in heaven, can she be my mother on earth?" I really feel strongly like we chose, before we came here and with God's direction of course, who we would be with in this life. Also, I believe that we were given talents. Special talents that make us who we are and, although we are all made in God's image (Genesis chapter one verse 27 King James Version) and are each given, say, patience or a sense of humor or the ability to learn a language easily, some of us find one talent more accessible than others. Please don't become defensive with what I'm about to say next because I do think that we all are capable of love and that no one is prone to hatred or spite...but I think that some of us have a talent where we just love and we love deeply. We are deeply sensitive and we just love everyone so much. I believe (and I don't mean this to sound prideful) that I was one of those who was given a talent of overwhelming love for everyone. Don't worry, for those thinking I'm being prideful, I am not musically talented, I was not blessed with the talent of dancing or extreme faith or a bold personality. Other people have talents that are different from mine and I'm so grateful for that. One of the talents that God has given me is the ability to love deeply and has given me sensitivity as far as people are concerned. So how does same-sex attraction tie into all of this? I think, and again these are my THOUGHTS, that I loved a spirit in my pre-Earth life. The kind of love that is talked about in the first book of Samuel (starting in Chapter 18) with Jonathan and David. Jonathan and David were not gay, that I know of. But Jonathan loved David "as his own soul"...which is a LOT of love. I believe I had that same love for a certain spirit in the life before this Earth life. Then I came down to Earth and my spirit received an amazing gift. A body. Though this body was an amazing gift...problems arose, because I had to get used to this body of mine. The spirit gives in to God and the good things, but the body has it's own agenda, right now, it seems like! One day, after this life is over, we will be able to align our spirits AND our bodies and we will live forever with a perfect body and spirit...but that's later. For now, we have to learn to take control over our body. Satan, the devil, does not have a body. He was not given that gift because he never came down to live on the Earth. So, basically he's angry...all the time. He sees us with an awesome body and thinks "okay, what can I do to ruin this perfect, clean, and wonderful body?" Soooo, he then says, "I know. Let's give them alcohol to inhibit reasoning and judgement that come with a body. Let's give them good food to eat in excess and lose the energy and health that comes from wise eating and exercise. Let's make tattoos look really awesome so that they can graffiti all over the clean body that God gave them." and we do. I eat cheesecake more than any human should reasonably do. I pay the price for that temptation that I give into. Each day is a test for us to control our body and submit to our spirit. Basically, in this life, we are at war with this new body that has new distractions (alcohol, pornography, loud music, drugs, etc.) and the goal of this life is to learn self control. "A man without self control is like a city broken into and left without walls" (Proverbs chapter 25 verse 28 English Standard Version) Again, what does this have to do with same-sex attraction? Well, I feel like my spirit loved another spirit in the life before this. We were best friends and we loved each other in the most righteous and "BFF" kind of way possible. Then I came down and got a body. My spirit friend also came and received a body. When I saw my now ex partner, (let's call him D) I felt something I hadn't felt before (or at least not that I had noticed before) My spirit recognized his spirit and said "ooooh! We were best buddies!" Most unfortunate for me...Satan decided to take that feeling and distort it, as he does everything that is meant for good (the internet, books, music) and turned it into something dark "ooooh, he's cute!" and rather than my spirit and his spirit remembering the wholesome friendship that we shared, I chose to listen to the voice that told me, "I am IN love with him" rather than, "I love him." It's confusing, but I hope you can still stay with me here. I loved my friend, D, and we had some wonderful times together. We were best friends. The sad thing is, if we had left the sin out of our relationship, we may have still been really close friends. Men can love each other and that's okay. I am learning that all the time and it's really difficult for me. I still am awkward around men because I always think, "okay, don't be gay. Uh oh, was that gay? Oh gosh, did I creep them out? Did what I just say sound gay?" I really just don't know how to act around men, because Satan keeps twisting the love that I have for men and making it something cheap or unpleasant. I hate having negative thoughts about my brothers. My negative thoughts, however, are not thoughts of hate, on the contrary, they are exaggerated or warped thoughts of love. Love, when twisted, becomes lust. It becomes thinking with your body and no longer thinking with your spirit. A good example is a guy that I met recently. This guy is amazing. He has something about him. My spirit did that same "jump for joy" that it did when I first met D. But now, thanks to many mighty prayers for understanding and help with my thoughts about guys, I can see a bit more clearly through Satan's deceiving thoughts. I used to believe that my first thought was the body's thought...meaning...My first thought (oh gosh, this is going to get embarrassing.) was "oh my, he's got the best smile, he's gorgeous." I now believe that my first thought is actually spiritual "ooooh, I remember this guy! He's got an amazing spirit and he's a great brother and we used to be friends!" but in less than 2 seconds, Satan takes that good, spiritual thought and warps it into something bad. But only if I LET him. I'm just starting to realize that Satan does not have complete control. If I can calm down my body and let my spirit take control I start to realize some great things. This guy I was talking about is super friendly. He is always upbeat. I don't know if he knows God or Jesus, but he needs Jesus in his life because I can only imagine the amazing missionary work that this man could do if he came to a knowledge of God. Satan hates all of those thoughts. So, to keep me from thinking about all the good things and all of the potential this man has (and maybe I can be a good example for him so that he can come to a better knowledge of God) Satan puts the thought there of "oh he's got a cute smile, I like (oh gosh, super embarrassing) his arms. He's got some nice arms (I go for nice arms on a guy...I don't know why...don't judge me!)" and then I get upset because I am thinking bad things about this guy and so then, because I don't want to have those thoughts distracting me, I just avoid this person entirely because I don't want to have to deal with those thoughts. And that is how Satan wins "oh good, another possible wholesome and amazing spiritual connection has been ruined." Does this make sense? I hope this makes sense. Why am I sharing this? I want all of those out there who are struggling with same-sex attraction to know that you are a loving and caring person. You love your brothers (and your sisters!) so much and you are so powerful and strong. You have so much capacity to love that it literally scares Satan. He is scared of you, because you possess such wonderful capacities. So he does anything he can to make you less threatening. So he tells you that the love you are feeling is good and natural. One of Satan's greatest tools is to use partial truths. He LOVES that. The partial truth is that the love you are feeling for someone else IS good and it IS natural. The lie is that sex is love. The reason I haven't explained all of the things I think is because it takes FOREVER and you have to understand procreation and the sacred powers of giving a spirit a body to come to. Women, you can do that. God created life. You are literally able to do something that God does. How sacred is that thought to you!? Men, you help women to create life. There are still spirits up there waiting to get a body, and YOU provide them that chance! Satan, once again, hates everything about that. So, what does he do? Tries to make every possible attempt to not let those spirits have bodies. One way he can do that is by stopping procreation. Satan seems pretty stupid. No one can ever stop procreation. But you know what, he's doing a pretty good job lately. Two men will never make a baby. Ever. Two women will never make a baby. Ever. God intended woman to be with man. They complete each other. Period. So Satan says, "okay, the more men I can get to be with other men (or women and women)the less procreation will take place and the less spirits will come into the world" (he also tells people that being single forever is more fun and that having children is a burden but that is another topic all together, my point is he uses many ways, but homosexuality is ONE of the ways he uses) Make sense? For those of you who I haven't already offended or angered, for those of you who stuck around and are waiting for my point...it is this. There is temptation everywhere. Whether you are tempted to play the lottery or whether you are tempted to give into your body and view pornography, temptation exists everywhere. Sin also exists. Sin and temptation are not the same thing. Temptation is the fork in the road. Sin is one road, the other road is success. My point, friends, is that you can have success. You can choose not to sin. I sin everyday in some form or another, but I also succeed in one form or another. Each day is a battle between good and evil and that battle will take place in the world, but it also takes place in you. The good news is, you have Christ on your side. God commanded Adam and Eve to multiply and replenish the Earth. The wisdom in that is so that spirits, waiting to have a glorious and wonderful body, could be given that chance. God has commanded it for each of us for that same reason and purpose and God does not make exceptions to His rules. I will be able to "multiply and replenish" the Earth. I will be able to give a spirit (probably one of my best friends in the pre-Earth life) a precious little body. I can't wait for the day when I can look into my wife's eyes and smile as we welcome our son into the world, knowing that we, with God's approval and power to create, made this little person. We made him. That will happen one day. I am not exempt from the blessings and commandments of God. He will make it possible. Each of you struggling with a temptation you think you can not overcome; each of you who thinks you can not have a happy life because you have gone too far down the road of sin or because you were just born to be a bad person; you are also not exempt from God's commandments nor His blessings. You can do this! God WANTS you to live the life you are supposed to live! He will provide a way and that way is made possible through Christ. I promise it. I love each of you so much (trust me, it's a talent of mine!!) and I want so much for each and every one reading this to know that I want you to be happy and I know God wants that for you too. Talk to me if you need anything. More importantly, talk to God if you need anything; ANYTHING that will benefit your life God will give it to you! Keep fighting and keep praying and keep being wonderful!!!