"For whom the Lord loveth, he chasteneth.."

Okay. I really needed a chastening this week. For the past few days I've been feeling like I have been slipping. I looked at old photos of my 'past life' and felt the longing to go back. I've been falling back into habits that I once thought I was rid of and I even had the thought, "What's the point? Why are you still even trying at this point? Why do you still even care? Give up." I have felt the need to surrender to the gloom that has been building inside of me. I tried desperately this week to do anything to bring the spirit into my life. I think I went to Deseret Book 4 times this week just to feel like I was in a good place and to feel some sense of peace. I read messages from the prophets, I've sang hymns when feelings of gloom or temptation set in, I've tried talking myself up, "you're okay! You are an amazing person, and the devil just wants to make you feel sad so that he can say he has won. Keep fighting, you can do it!", I have tried to call people, I've tried buying things for myself and also for others in hopes that making someone else smile would make me feel better, I've even had to force a smile a few days this week because I was just so mad at myself and at my situation. Why? Why did I do all of these things? Why am I telling them to you now? It is not, however it may sound, to signify how wonderful I am or how much I think of others or how much good I do. (I actually tend to focus on how much BAD I do, rather than what good things I have done.) The reason I tried doing all of these things is because I love the Lord. I love my God and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I feel peace when I do what is right. I feel joy when I serve others and can forget about my own self for two seconds! I feel safety when I know that I am in places where I should be and when I am doing the things I know that I should be doing. I think I was just scared. I was scared this week. I don't like darkness. I've been there. I've been in places where it feels like the light of Christ has been all but snuffed out. I hated it. And I felt a little bit of that this week. Sadness can take a frighteningly speedy spiral downwards if it is not quickly recognized and corrected. The words of an ancient prophet from the Americas named Nephi come to my mind and have been the thoughts of my heart for the past few days, "O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins...." (1st book of Nephi; chapter 4 verses 17-19 I have been sad because I haven't been good enough. Because I haven't done enough and because my heart isn't in the right place. I can not go on. I can not keep fighting and I can not take another step. Nephi continues, "my heart groaneth because of my sins: nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; he hath led me through afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh...Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night time." Tonight, my parents and I watched 'Ephraim's rescue': a movie about pioneers who crossed plains and deserts and streams and rivers and snow and ice through unbelievable circumstances: losing loved ones, giving up all of their wealth and social status, succumbing to frost bite, being belittled and persecuted by men and women who should have been their brothers and sisters in the spirit. It was an amazing story and my mom commented that "it's been said that the pioneers would look at our day and think 'I couldn't do that' while we sit here and watch what the pioneers went through and think, 'I couldn't do that" and I explained what I had felt during the film and in watching the pioneers struggles. Part 1: The trials are different, but the test of faith is the same. There is an amazing story of a man who was involved in one of the handcart companies that had to pull all that they owned with them in a handcart many, many miles to get to their final destination. He said something that I have pondered all throughout the movie "I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up for I cannot pull the load through it..." Many years later, I still say the same thing. I tell myself, even this very week have I told myself, "I must give up for I cannot pull the load..." A few mornings this week I just wanted to stay in bed, fearing I could not face the day and fight another battle. My struggles are different than yours are. My struggles are different from the pioneers. But struggle is universally known and experienced by all. There seems to be an unending supply of heartaches and sorrows to go around; for everyone to face. Part 2: Hope comes through faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ and in Repentance and the cleansing effect of the Savior's love and his healing powers. There is one part in the movie 'Ephraim's Rescue' where a young man is given a blessing of health and comfort. He had given up his shoes because they were basically no longer shoes anymore and had walked in snow for so long that frostbite had set in and his feet were bloodied and blackened from the severity of the frostbite. Ephraim gives this young man a blessing and says something to the effect that, "even though they are black, your feet will work again" and the thought came to me of my life, my heart and my soul. "even though it is black, your soul will work again. Even though it was black, your heart will work again." I spent so much time in blackness and in darkness. I think that is what was getting to me this week was the memory of that darkness and I worried that I would go back to that. But what I didn't consider was the lesson God was trying to teach. In the book of Hebrews in the Bible we read, "For whom the Lord loveth, he chaseneth..." (Hebrews Chapter 12 verse 6) Job knew the meaning of these words. He lost everything and was told to curse God and die. But Job said, "I know that my redeemer liveth...he knoweth the way that I take:when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." (Job chapter 19 verse 25 and chapter 23 verse 10) My God loves me. He wants me to succeed. He wants me to learn and to grow. The only way I am going to learn and grow is if I can be tested. How can I ever know the peace that comes from doing what is right if I have not tasted of the fear and unsurety that comes from doing what is wrong. The only way that I know joy comes in serving others is because I've felt the unhappiness that comes when I am self-centered and self-serving. I feel safety in doing what is good and I know what safety feels like because I have witnessed for myself the very soul harrowing fear and terror that comes from not knowing if you are safe. It is truly dark and terrifying, but I experienced that terror and now...now I know what light and what happiness TRULY comes from being clean, following God, and listening to Christ! I can not describe how dark my life was but I also can not find words to describe how happy and blessed I am today. I had to say some major, "I'm sorry's" to my Heavenly Father for my pride and my selfishness this week! I forgot how blessed I am. I forgot how much God loves me. He loves me so much that He sends trials to me so that I can remember exactly how much He loves me. That might not make sense. But I felt pretty crappy this week and then God sent me that movie to remind me that, "Brent, you CAN go on, you can keep going and you can keep fighting." I quoted a man earlier and a story he told, he finishes his thought by saying, "...I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up for I cannot pull the load through it. I have gone to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me! I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the Angels of God were there. “Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No! Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company.” I can not pull the load...but I don't have to. Jesus has said, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (St. Matthew chapter 11 verses 28-30) Christ will pull your load. Let him help you. I can not do this life on my own; I just can't. Thankfully, I don't have to. My heart is turned, now, to a few particular souls (none of whom will read this, I am ALMOST sure...but the Lord works in mysterious ways so I can not say I am fully sure they will not read this)...my heart is turned to a few particular souls who I feel may not feel like they have the courage to come back to church. Maybe they don't want to come back to church, but maybe they just want to come back to the light and happiness that IS part of living the teachings of Christ. They are afraid. There is too much to give up and they have done too much and are in far too deep for them to ever change that around. I wish with all of my heart that I could divulge the amount of things that I "gave up" or the exact changes that I made in my life, but I can not go into detail. I won't because it pains me too much to think of the things I used to do. I will say a few things though: the day I received the warning voice of the Lord telling me I needed to repent and change my ways, I remember saying, "But how? I will have to leave my partner of 6 years. I will have to explain to all of my friends what I've done and I will lose friends. My partner and I have an apartment, where will he live? Where will I live? How can I afford it? What will my family and everyone close to me think? I will have to break my partner's poor heart. I can't do it. There's too much involved." I tell you with all truthfulness that God spoke to me. I did not see Him, but the words were clear, "Trust me." I broke my partner's heart. I changed my number so as to not receive any more texts from him. I shut down all sites that I used to frequent that had anything to do with same gender attraction and "dating" I shut down my Facebook to rid myself of all of the friends in my life who made me feel unclean, unhappy, and unChristian. I also shut down my Facebook so that I didn't have all of the memories of when I was so young and foolish and unholy. I gave up tea and coffee (I still sigh a little when I walk by the iced Starbucks vanilla coffee at Wal-Mart). I gave up R-rated movies (and actually have turned off a few PG-13 movies) I moved back in with my parents and at 28 years old, felt like one of those losers who lives in their parents basement until they are 35 and I was so worried about all of the social stereotypes associated with single, 30 somethings still living with their parents. I lost friends, a comfy home with happy memories of times spent with my best friend and partner, a pet who I still miss terribly and many more things. But what have I gained? I have true happiness. I have friends who make me smile and who make me laugh, not because of off-color jokes or irreverent talk but because they are uplifting and because they make me feel better that I am me and that it's okay to have standards of morality even if some of these friends don't fully understand ("wait...so...like you don't drink coffee at all? That's so weird, but whatever!" Haha) I lost some friends, but I got my family back. I had chosen, by my actions, to separate myself from my family. I could not feel clean or comfortable around them. Now I do...most of the time (still working on that sometimes) I gained 2 beautiful nieces and 2 very handsome nephews who mean more to me than any thing that used to hold importance to me in my old life. I have peace every Sunday when I listen to the hymns. I gained a relationship with my Father in Heaven that means more to me than any R-rated movie, unwholesome song lyric, coffee, foul language, or sexual relation could ever offer me. I smile so very much more than I used to and I gained clarity, love, comfort, hope, understanding, patience, and maybe 500 more things that I just can't think about right now because it's late and I should be in bed! But my point is...repent. Be brave and make that change. Choose to be happy again. Choose to come back home. It's so worth it. I know I didn't start off this post making it sound like it's worth it, but that is my very point. The reason I keep doing these good things even when it is hard and even when the world seems so much more "worth it" than being above the world and it's teachings; the reason is because what I have gained is so much more than what I have "given up" I would rather give up foul language than give up on being truly safe. I would rather give up an r-rated movie than give up one moment without the comfort of Christ. In "giving up" the "fun things" in life and in obeying the "rules" of the church, I have found more freedom and happiness than I ever thought would be possible. It is possible. I love you, my friends, please come back. I'll be here for you! And here are a few things that make me happy: my nieces and nephews, my good friends, standing in holy places like the temple, being modest in dress and in speech and in action, spending time with my dad and mom (I already put a picture of my mom up and this was all I could find of my dad and I! Haha)...and I was going to put a picture of food, but that happiness has always been happiness at ALL times of my life. :)