When men's hearts shall fail them...

I have been richly blessed. Last year, I made big changes in my life and there were trials and tears and there was joy and total happiness. Last year was a big year for me. This year has been harder. I think that one of Satan's most powerful weapons he has against us, or at least me, is to have us lose focus on the little things. Last year, I gave up coffee and tea, I stopped watching R-rated movies, and I left my partner. I went from praying once a year, to twice a day (often more than that) I went from never reading the scriptures (what kept me from reading was the guilt I felt from the truth; harsh to the unrepentant sinner, peaceful to the penitent seeker of forgiveness) to reading scripture every day. I worked on deleting contacts in my phone of all the boys I used to text when I was feeling lonely or when I needed a moment of sin back in my life. I got rid of certain apps on my phone (once they lead to excitement and pleasure, now they lead to pain and disgust) I got rid of any clothing that was immodest (and yes, men, you can wear immodest clothing too, not just women) or that took my mind to places it should not dwell. I asked my work for Sundays off so I could now attend a church I had long since lost a love for. So many big, life-altering decisions were made last year. I made all of these changes, keeping in mind that, as I did more and more to align myself with God, the less and less I would feel Satan's influence. This was an error in thinking. I've come to find out that as one aligns themselves more and more with God, the greater and harder the devil tries to get you back to where he was happy. We know that Satan "seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself." (Book of Mormon; 2 Nephi Chapter 2, verse 27) I didn't realize this however, until this year. Last year, with all the changes I was making I was feeling the influence of God and His spirit so much and that kept me going each day. Satan was strong. I had terror and I had fear that I can't explain. But I also had joy that I have never experienced before. So what does this have to do with focusing on the little things? I tell of my major changes to make a point. This year, I CONTINUE to try and read my scriptures every day. I STILL go to church on Sunday. I have yet to watch another R-rated movie. (though, I'm now realizing PG-13 movies can also be terribly uninspiring, filthy, and inappropriate) I have not had coffee or tea. (although I still can't walk by a Starbucks iced coffee without making a small frown and giving a tiny sigh of loss for my friend...I miss you sometimes, Starbucks.) In short, I haven't made any life-altering changes or decisions this year; and THAT is when Satan attacked me hard. It is hard to not be able to take sacrament with others at church. I want that cleansing, that only comes from Christ, every week. It's painful to watch children sing in church and wave to their parents and know that I am still waiting for my son to wave to me and my still-yet-to-materialize wife. I become so frustrated when a lesson is being taught and I want so much to participate and raise my hand. I want so much to speak in church and let others know of the great things that I have learned that week. I feel impressed to mention, at this point, that those who are not of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints...and, actually, even some who ARE of the LDS church... who may not understand "the rules." They may even think that the Mormon church is evil, restrictive, and controlling. I do not see it this way. I see this as a punishment. Not as a punishment of hate, but as a punishment with love. If a parent takes a child's doll away until they 'can say they are sorry for hitting your brother' or 'until you can appreciate your car, you may not drive it for a week' we don't say that the parent is evil, controlling, or hateful. Even though a teenager may say "YOU HATE ME!" when a parent takes their cell phone away as a punishment, the parent does not, and a good parent will NEVER, hate their own child. They are giving their child a chance to appreciate what they have and to work harder to get back that which was taken away or lost, due to the child's own disobedience. Similarly, and as hard as it is to deal with, I know that I lived a life that was against God's teachings and so God, not the church, placed certain restrictions on me, for the time being, so that I can appreciate the things in my life that I miss. Once I have proven to God that I am worthy to have those great things back in my life, He will restore those things to me and I will be even more happy. There are those who complain or reject a calling in the church, for whatever reason. I can't have a calling yet. I wish sometimes that they could switch places with me, "okay, you don't want to serve God in the calling He chose for you, let's take away your option to have ANY calling..." That approach would maybe be a bit too extreme. But my point is, don't ever take for granted your many blessings and opportunities that some of us have to go without in order so that we ALSO can appreciate our blessings once they return to us. In the midst of all of this frustration, Satan appears. "Brent, what's the point? You were happy before. Now you can't do anything you want to do and what are the blessings you are receiving? Do you have a wife? Can you go inside the temple? Can you do ANYTHING? What's the point?" Add to that the constant barrage of the world and it equals a really difficult situation. Last year, I made so many amazing and huge changes, this year, it seems like I have done nothing of worth or nothing amazing. This is Satan's tool. "I went to church today, but I didn't pay attention to ALL the talks that were given." "I didn't read my scriptures today; therefore my day was bad." I think that I got used to all the big changes last year so now, if I do anything of worth it doesn't seem to be making a big difference. I think it's also the fact that I don't see any progress. I am just doing the same thing every day and feeling like, even though it's not true, I am not getting any blessings for my "hard work." Then the thought also comes, "you are sooooo not working hard. If you REALLY wanted it, if you were REALLY working hard, then you would stop watching t.v. shows that talk about sex (even if The Office is really funny) you would listen to every prompting that God gives you, you would stop checking out guys and focus on the Savior 'at all times, in all things, and in all places' You just aren't trying hard enough." My weakness is my over thinking...of everything! Satan uses my over-active thinking against me and I end up over-thinking myself into a depression because I simply am never going to be good enough. What I, and maybe most of us, need to realize is that I (we) can not be perfect. Not in this life. I will never be able to follow ALL the commandments ALL the time. But I can be good enough. Because of Christ, I can be good enough. I will make mistakes. Some days I will make a lot more mistakes than others. The key is to remember that EVERYBODY makes mistakes. Everybody has those days (ugh...Hannah Montana) When I have a particularly hard day (or hard days like I have the past few days) I need to keep fighting, keep going, and keep moving forward. I need to remember my accomplishments and the things that the Lord has helped me do. I don't know how to do that quite yet and so I'm turning this to you, the reader. What things do you do to remember your worth? When you are feeling like "the only accomplishment I can have is getting out of bed this morning..and I don't want to do that," what else do you tell yourself or what things do you to do get yourself out of that "funk" and back on the path of happiness? Please let me know and I will share what has helped me. To close, one thing that does help me is having loved ones around me. I always feel inadequate, unimportant, and sinful. To have friends around that build me up and tell me how awesome I am is...well...great, but, quite frankly, very surprising. I don't ever see that in myself. If someone says, "Brent, you are so great!" I immediately think, "you must not know me very well then because I did _______________ yesterday" or "I can't believe that is true, when I know that I _________ earlier this week and if you knew that I did that, you wouldn't think I was so great anymore." But (and I HONESTLY don't mean to sound cocky or prideful here) the more that I hear from someone or someones how great I am....I kind of start to believe them. A small glimmer of hopeful thinking pops in saying "hmmm...maybe you are a kind person. Maybe you CAN be a good guy after all." I truly believe that love is one thing that gets me out of my funk. (and hugs are ALWAYS appropriate in my opinion soooo show some love!) So tell me, what helps you? What keeps you going? My life is hard, yes. So is everyone's. But God's love is real. He loves me, He knows me, He makes me smile, and He sends help when I'm not smiling. He is my friend and my joy and He is definitely one thing that keeps me going every day.